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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

History - Mother

While I hate to leave anyone hanging, waiting for the lurid tales of my time with Mistress Debbie, events today dictated a little rewind to talk about my mother.

My immediate family got together today for a family portrait, meaning my mom, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and wife were all in the same same room, huddled arm in arm, and smiling for the camera.  It was a little tense, but I normally get along pretty well with my mom these days.  This is mainly due to the fact that my sister and I have (for the moment) given her a complete pass for the abuse she inflicted on us as kids.

To this day, I don’t ever remember my parents fighting.  I’m assuming they did so in private, because one day my mom picked me up from the library and, sitting parked in our garage at home, told me that she and my dad were getting a divorce.  I was 10.  While I was devastated at the news, things really went downhill from there.  My mother apparently thought my father didn’t discipline us enough, so my sister and I were quickly left with no buffer for her wrath.  Whenever she thought we were not behaving (an elusive standard that changed from day to day), she would smack us in the face as hard as she could.  She was always telling me to "take it like a man" and would hit my sister and I a second time if we flinched. 

Shortly after the divorce, my mom’s lover Bill moved in with us.  (From what I can piece together, they were actually having an affair long before my dad was out of the picture.)  She also belonged to a swingers group (made up of members from our church, if you can believe that) and had long weekend getaways with her female "best friend" (who, my sister and I are 99.9% sure, was also her lover).

When I finally got bigger and stronger than my mother, she got angrier since she couldn’t punish me the way she wanted.  (I remember the last time she tried vividly - I caught her wrist in mid-swing and stared her down until she walked away.)  This lead to some doozy fights once I became a teenager.  One time, we were in a screaming match with her at the bottom of the stairs yelling at me at the top.  I decided I was going to kill her and raced forward to grab her neck in my hands.  I ended up tripping and falling down the stairs taking all of the neatly hung family portraits down with me.  It was painful and poetic at the same time.

A few times, I ran away.  Once, I spent two days in a movie theater at the mall.  (I worked at the mall sporting goods store and knew all the maintenance passageways.)  During another, I slept in the stairwell of a nearby resort hotel.  Eventually, though, I’d call my dad for help and he’d drag me back.  He swears now he didn’t know any of this was going on, something I’m also still dealing with.  While I get along great with my dad, I still feel on some level that he turned his back on my sister and I because he didn’t want to get between us and our mother.

So, you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with BDSM, right?

I’ve read in the past (and had at least one of my shrinks tell me this as well) that men who were physically abused by their mothers from a young age tend to develop a fetish for wanting to be dominated by women.  Supposedly, at some level, we associate the abuse we suffered as love and need that "attention" again to feel whole.  While I agree with this theory on some level (I mean - look at me!), I also don’t think that can be the only factor at play in my case.  Even if it is 100% true, buying wholly into this theory would mean that I would picture my mom as I was naked performing my assignments for Mistress and that is just way too much for me to wrap my head around.

Although I’m starting to make peace with the D/s part of my sexuality (thanks, in large part, to Mistress Trecia), I’m still puzzled about what to do about my mom’s past abuse.  Leaving home at 19 for the Navy (and moving 8,400 miles away to Japan to boot) did shock my mother into finally doing some reflecting.  My sister said she thinks my mom actually went into counseling for awhile.  Once, my mother actually tried to apologize for what she had done, saying that it "was just how people disciplined kids back then", something that is at the very least a real stretch and at most an outright delusion on her part.  Still, I give her some points for the effort.  We’ve also developed an uneasy but amicable relationship and we get together as a family several times a year to share a meal and play some boardgames.

The array of shrinks I’ve seen over the years (more on them later) all seem to think that I should just forget about the past and let it slide.  She’s made progress, they say, and what would be gained by rehashing the past?  I’m also at a loss over the situation.  If I do confront her, what outcome do I hope to achieve?  Would an apology finally let me bury this?  Am I prepared to eject her out of my life if she refuses to acknowledge her wrongdoings?  Is there any resolution that would make the situation better all these years later?

Mistress Trecia had one idea that had actually never occurred to me - using face slapping in a session to try and take back some of the emotional turmoil I suffered.  I don’t know if that will accomplish anything, but admit that I really won’t know until that first blow lands on my face.  Part of me thinks it will just be typical punishment like a flogger or crop, but something tells me there is a walled-up dam of emotion there just waiting for the proper catalyst to finally burst.

I’ve been wrestling with these issues for almost 27 years now, so I don’t ever expect a solution to just fall out of the sky and am fully prepared for these things to go unanswered long after my mom is gone.  Hopefully, I will eventually find a way to make peace with this part of my past.

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