sub-burbs

As of today, it’s been 11 days since Mistress has allowed me any sort of release.  Every night, I kneel by the bed, fighting my body to drive it to the edge of that sweet orgasm only to force myself to cap it off and fight back with every ounce of willpower in my body.

While it gets harder every night, I’m also not making it any easier on myself.  I listen to Mistress’s teasing voice on my MP3 player, browse the pictures on her site, pull out my favorite pictures and vids from my own porn collection, and in one case turned into a complete panty slut.  I do each of these without thinking and almost immediately regret it as it makes me race to the edge and the momentum makes it so  much more difficult to stop.

Mistress has previously referred to me as a "pain slut" and went so far today as to label me a maschocist.  I don’t know why this hasn’t been obvious to me until now, but she’s absolutely right.  I hit my subspace bliss so much faster when I’m restrained and abused in some horrible way.

And yet, with as much as I’m aching, I don’t feel I can ask Mistress for release in any way.  Unless she broaches the topic, I remain mute and just continue my "project puppy" work for her, happy in my service but crying out for the deeper desire that burns and aches inside my body.  Were she to ask if I was ready, I would throw myself weeping at her feet, begging  and offering anything just to reach that which I have been denied.

Perhaps this is part of my test - to balance my desire to please Mistress and obey the code of respect and protocol while trying to find some way to ask her for the mercy I seek.

Until then, I ache in silence and pray for the day Mistress grants my wish.