Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

History - Mistress Natalie (Part 2)

So, my adventure began with Mistress Natalie.  As we continued our relationship, I started to learn more about her as a person.  She was a stay-at-home mom and her Domme gig was just for fun but one that she took very seriously.  (Nearly every piece of furniture in her house looked normal during the day but had a hidden BDSM component to it like the sofa with hidden tiedown points or the giant cage that held a ficus and stuffed parrot when it wasn’t holding a human pet.)

I was one of two boys that she had in her service.  Her and her husband did some of the parties I had previously attended in addition to being part of the more exclusive swinger set in San Diego including being frequent guests at "Hillside", a mansion in the hills that was the true upper crust of the scene.

In addition to some mindblowing scenes, Mistress Natalie also spent time talking with me about what it means to be a submissive.  We discussed my trips into "subspace" and for the first time I started feeling like maybe I wasn’t a complete freak.  She was very well read on the topic as she, like myself, had quested to understand the D/s dynamic and what made her wired like she was. 

Meanwhile, in real life, the start-up I was working for was quickly failing and we started losing staff since paychecks were few and far between.  Before too long, I was the last programmer there and needed to single handedly develop code for all of our clients.  A coworker and former roommate of mine asked if I’d ever tried crystal meth and said that might help me become more productive.  I agreed and he hooked me up with his dealer which gave me a nearly limitless supply of crystal (for a price, of course).  I was able to work longer and harder, sometimes sitting in front of the computer and writing code for 70 or 80 hours straight without sleeping.  Before long, my appetite for crystal was costing me all of what little money I had meaning I started eating less and less to make it affordable.  (During the really dark times toward the end, I would pick up a .99 Whopper once every 2 - 3 days.)

Because of this, my only connection to things outside the office was Mistress Natalie.  With her getting in my head and under my skin and me putting my heart and soul into my service to her, I started to fall in love with her.  She had no idea what was going on when we weren’t together, so she had no reason to doubt my feelings or motives.  (In all fairness to myself, my feelings of love were very real.  In talks with Mistress Trecia, we discussed how a sub is supposed  to give their heart to their Domme but it’s up to the Domme to handle it correctly.)

Despite the fact that she was married, we started actually "dating".  We’d meet in hotels for some passionate love making sessions and do other things to take our relationship outside of the D/s boundaries.  Mistress Natalie’s husband began to suspect what was going on and confronted me a few times, at one point asking me to walk away.  As I was pretty focused and had fallen hard for Mistress, I told him I wasn’t going anywhere.

A couple of weeks later, Mistress came to see me at work and asked if we could go somewhere private.  It seems her husband confronted her as well and gave her an ultimatum - him or me.  Since I wasn’t the father of her child, she chose him and basically said "It’s been grand, but get lost."  (In all fairness to her, I was quickly beginning to lose my mind and was obviously wasting way as I started losing weight at an alarming rate.  I was hardly a catch to leave a husband over…)

I was devastated and driven immediately into a really dark place.  As crazy as it sounds, Mistress Natalie was the only thing keeping me grounded, so her pushing me away just accelerated my downward spiral.

Despite all of my hard work, the owners of the start-up I was working for finally pissed me off enough to the point where I quit.  (They took a piece of technology I created to analyze search engines and started using it in a very unethical and slightly illegal manner to cheat the indexing spiders, something I wouldn’t stand for.)  One of our current clients immediately came to see me with an offer to work for them exclusively as they had just landed some venture capital cash that was contingent on me getting their site up and running.  I was partially solvent again and was able to get an apartment and also further feed my deepening addiction to crystal meth.

I mourned my parting from Mistress Natalie every day.  I know now the extreme intensity of the emotions I was suffering through was the result of crystal magnifying everything, but then it was as if someone had ripped out what little soul I had left.  With nothing to really live for any longer, I completely fell into the abyss, consuming all the crystal I could get my hands on, barely eating, and at one point just completely stopped showering.

Eventually, my new web work gig was done and the money started to dry up.  My new habits needed a solid influx of cash, but I was in no condition to go out job hunting.  I keep getting my unemployment checks from the start up (since they weren’t paying me, the employment board considered that as being laid off), but my 12 months of those were just about up as well.  My life was about to bottom out in every way imaginable, but I’ll pick that story up later.

What really hurt most about my relationship with Mistress Natalie ending is that I felt I was really on the verge of discovering what D/s and subspace were all about.  During our sessions, I was able to find that blissful place and Mistress and I would have incredibly in-depth discussions about what it was like and what it meant.  Our relationship imploded before we really nailed down any solid answers.

It’s been 10 years since Mistress Natalie and I parted ways and until meeting Mistress Trecia a month ago, I had managed to completely bury all of my D/s tendencies and desires.  Of course, my sex life was horrible, I felt unhappy and unfulfilled, and saw a couple of ineffectual shrinks to try and discover the one thing that I should have known all along.  I am a sub.  Serving a Domme is part of who I am and the core of my sexuality.

I fully admit that this new knowledge scares the hell out of me because I don’t yet know how to incorporate it into my current life or my troubled marriage.  All I do know is that opening the door again and letting myself revel in this role that I cherish so much has brought me more joy in the last month and has reinvigorated my sex drive and overall outlook on life.

Up next - hitting bottom…

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