sub-burbs

Mistress Trecia and I both had really a crappy day yesterday between my job and her classes, so she gave me a break and told me that I could stroke at my leisure, but (of course) not cum.

"Woohoo," I thought!  I can download a little porn and just have a grand old time.  Of course, nothing is ever that easy.

Since it’s been awhile since I’ve had any "free" time, I went completely overboard as I usually do.  I enjoyed the stroking so much that I hit the edge quickly and much harder than I intended.  (I usually ease up to that point so it’s easier to hold the line.)  I ended up having to bite it off hard, nails in palms and my teeth biting through my cheek.  (It still hurt the next morning.)  Of course, the stroking felt so good that I kept going, only to hit the wall again.  And again.  And again.

I knew I was torturing myself but just couldn’t stop touching.  At about the one hour mark, I was just desperate to cum.  I wanted to feel that release, the star exploding rush of sweet orgasm.  I finally was able to pull myself away from the computer and get dressed again, followed by the absolute least erotic MP3s I could find.  (This Week In Tech is always a good audio cold shower.)

The battle I face during these times is something I’m still trying to get my head around.  On one hand, my body just craves sexual contact, so much more so than I’m used to.  (I think this is partly due to the lack of release, but also due to my new sexual awakening at Mistress’s hand as I continue to embrace and rediscover my sub side.)  That part of just wants release and drives me subconsciously to the edge hoping that I’ll slip up and give it what it wants.  On the other hand, my deep devotion to Mistress means that I will follow her assignments and rules to the letter in order to make her happy, something that means I must  suffer and obey that single most important command:  "No release without express permission.  " 

Most of this battle happens without me even knowing it consciously.  Mistress’s new "no touching" rule was handed down simply because the part of me that needs contact would take over my hands and I’d always be absentmindedly touching myself. 

While the logical part of me is saying that I need to get a handle on this, there’s something about the chaos that adds to the assignments, the internal struggle just adding fuel to my feelings of submission and a constant reminder that I’ve given Mistress completely control over my sexuality, even to the protest of my own subconscious.