Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

Dealing with “The Wife”

If you’ve been reading for awhile, you know I’m stuck in a dilemma.  My wife enjoys a man who is assertive in the bedroom while I desire full erotic servitude.  How, you may ask, can two basically submissive people have a fulfilling sex life?

Funny - I was about to ask you the same thing…

Awhile back, I wrote a mammoth post exploring the various options I had when it came to my wife.  Basically, the only serious options I considered at the time were having my wife embrace my service to Mistress Trecia or tell her that we need to part ways.  That, of course, was completely selfish and shallow of me.

Nowhere in that post did I consider my wife’s sexual needs.  Any scenario where I get to live out my desires as a sub completely negates what turns her on.  Asking her to change radically while accepting me as I am is completely unfair and a recipe for disaster.  Of course, so is denying what makes me happy.

I also feel guilty whenever I discuss these topics with Mistress because I feel I’m putting her in the middle of my relationship and the angst that brings.  I also am afraid that she will see efforts with my wife to be a challenge to my devotion to her or somehow diminish my perceived adoration.

This is all just so frustrating for me.  I’ve spent so long being something I’m not and now that I know what I am, I can’t just embrace it without hurting people I care about.  For my wife and I, sex has always been a challenge (probably because we are so incompatible, even if we didn’t know it explicitly), so what’s the harm of having a little fun once and awhile, keeping her happy, and still being able to keep my best and longest friend around?  (Even after 16 years of marriage, we still mesh in just about everything but  sex.)

I have to do some more serious thinking to try and figure out what in the hell I’m going to do about all of this.  My wife and I did have a little "naked time" yesterday and I did try to be a little aggressive (I laced my fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck and held her to me while I brought her to orgasm with my fingers), but it did nothing for me except to enjoy her enjoyment.  Is that enough?  Isn’t that part of servitude?  Making sure my partner’s needs are met without concern for myself?

Maybe that is the answer - act the part for my wife and then get my satisfaction at Mistress’s feet.  Is keeping that part of me hidden from my wife any less fair that not considering her sexuality?

Argh!  Right now, part of me longs to go back to the days when my sex life was an old Cheerios’s box full of pages torn from the bra and panty section of the Sears summer catalog.  Of course, none of those women had the power to say "stroke for me" in an amazing sultry voice and have me begging to do anything  for a mere scrap of attention and an earned "good boy" with a sexy smile.

I also know that this dilemma came about in the first place because I was incredibly unhappy and was reborn through the mentoring and wisdom of Mistress Trecia.  Trying to imagine any type of happy sex life with my wife even a few months ago was impossible.  Just the fact that I’m trying to put this together now is a testament to the power of Mistress’s positive influence on my life.

For now, I really just need to enjoy the ride and bask in the wonderful glow I feel when I’m serving Mistress.  Things are bound to get more clear in the future, right?

3 Comments so far

  1. Anne March 21st, 2007 4:13 am

    Nice blog. I hate to hear about a couple who turns out to be incompatible, it’s such a shame. I do admire your strength and honesty in telling your mate about your desires. For what it’s worth, I had a friend who was submissive and so was his wife. They took turns being dominant and it seemed to work pretty well for them. It sounds like you love your wife and care a lot about her, so it would be wonderful if you found a way to improve what you have. What’s really more important here, a 16 year marriage or a temporary mistress?

  2. timidboy March 22nd, 2007 7:04 am

    The problem is our unhappiness with our relationship in general. We don’t even share the same bed any longer. In fact, I was so unhappy prior to meeting Mistress Trecia that I was on antidepressants. Mistress has shown me that my "depression" was only caused by being stuck in a relationship that wasn’t working.

    I do hope it can work. My wife and I have tried taking the dominant role but both of us are submissive to the point where that role is actually uncomfortable for both of us. (I’ll refer you to a previous article for how much I resist the "top" role. At the moment, I’m content to try and provide for my wife sexually to some degree (making her happy and brining us closer together) while fulfilling my deep-seated sexual desires with Mistress.

    Thanks for your kind comments!

  3. Wotz March 23rd, 2007 4:34 pm

    I’m pretty much in the same boat with the exception that I don’t have a mistress. I’ve also been married for 16 years and it was approximately 8 years ago that I confessed my submissive desires. She’s tried a couple of times, but her heart isn’t in it and each time I’m left more frustrated than ever. I wish there was a solution. Otherwise everything else is great.

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