Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

Archive for April, 2007

House Rules

Almost 24 hours have gone by and my marriage hasn’t completely changed.  I almost don’t know what to do!  (Just kidding.  I’m glad things are starting to level out after such an incredibly emotional week.  It was only 7 days ago that I confessed all to Jacqueline, but it seems like an entire month has passed.)

Last night, Jacqueline asked me to come into her study and review a list of books she had found on the topic of D/s.  She asked me to pick two for myself (I chose "The Complete Slave" and "Becoming a Slave") and then she filled the cart with books for herself, everything from "SM 101" to "The Mistress Manual" bringing the order to almost $170.

I’d heard of many of the titles and was impressed how much she had been scouring the web for the best resources available.  She also picked up a couple of books full of erotic short stories and said she may start reading me bedtime stories if I am a good boy.  (She even promised to stroke my hair while doing so, something that I adore and puts me into full puppy mode.)  My wife has an incredible voice and, since much of the early part of relationship and marriage took place by phone and audio tape, I have an incredibly special and deep connection to it.  I’m thrilled and excited at the thought this new time together.

We then watched the movie Secretary.  It was one that Mistress Trecia had shown me and one that I thought perfectly captured the emotional side of D/s, so Jacqueline agreed to watch.  She is also a huge James Spader fan which probably helped sway her decision.  We discussed the movie the next morning and Jacqueline confided that she was surprised that she didn’t relate or connect to Maggie Gyllenhaal submissive character at all and, in fact, hasn’t felt the expected growth of her own submissive side during all her research.  Our relationship would be a whole lot less complicated if she wasn’t a "switch", so this was welcome news for me.  I know that it may change, but the revelation helped nonetheless.

This morning, I had a neat little nudge into my favorite space.  I was grumping about getting up early to go work out and Jacqueline said if I didn’t want to go to the gym, she’d get a treadmill for the bedroom, chain me to it through my penis piercing, and would then get to choose the speed.  I got out of bed with a blush and a smile.

On the way into work, we picked up our discussion from yesterday about wanting to try and move back to a 24/7 arrangement.  I had been already missing the servitude and Jaci feels that my doting on her will help get her into Topspace.  I only had one request - I really wanted to be collared 24/7 as that is something that enhances my feelings of submissiveness and connection to the Domme.  Fortunately, the order from Stockroom we placed and then tried to cancel last week (which included a really nice "day collar") actually slipped through and is due to arrive today, so Jaci said she would consider doing so.

We then discussed the new house rules and I was given the following directives:

  • No touching myself without permission.
  • I am to take care of all the housework in order to give Miss Jacqueline time to read, research, and plan sessions.
  • If I am upstairs for more than 5 minutes (when cleaning or whatever), I’m to be naked except for a collar.   (We currently don’t have drapes or blinds downstairs, otherwise I have a feeling it would apply to the entire house.)
  • I am not to view any pornography or visit adult-oriented web sites without permission.  I asked if this included the blogs I’ve been reading and was told I could submit a list to her in advance and get blanket permission to read them daily.  I am allowed to continue bloging here to my heart’s content and have been given permission to include all the good and bad that happens with our experiences.  I confessed that giving feedback to her directly would feel like "topping from the bottom" and that I’d be more comfortable doing within the blog.
  • Miss Jacqueline will set my meal menu and exercise plan for the week and I am not to deviate from it for any reason.  (In the past, I would sneak soft drinks from the machine at work or run out to lunch for Chipotle when the mood struck.)
  • I am not to spend any money without permission.  I tend to be a compulsive spender and have run up huge debts in the past due to my shopping.  Also, there is the matter that I’ve been secretly spending money on gifts for another woman, so this is also to boost her trust in me.

Jacqueline is happy at the thought of being "Queen of the House" again and I’m happy to slip back into the place I find so comforting, serving at the feet of a Goddess.

Key to Myself When I opened my lunch today, I noticed a very special gift placed there by my Wife.  There was a box covered in red cloth with some beautiful embroidery on the top.  Inside was a handcuff key and the following note:  "This is a gift, a very special key.  It has nothing to do with me.  It is a handcuff key.  Keep this in your pocket every day as a reminder that you have finally found the key to yourself.  Now your journey can begin…"

I was deeply touched at the gesture and the words.  I did resist the temptation to put the key around my neck and followed the instructions explicitly fashioning a Hobbit-esque lanyard out of an old memory stick carrying case so I can keep the key in my pocket but lashed to my belt so it won’t get lost.  I’ll devise something classier and more permanent once I am home with my crafting supplies.

During the ride home, my wife told me that they key was from a pair of handcuffs she used on me back in 1989 during a visit while I was in my Navy training school after boot camp.  I love that it’s symbolic of us trying to reconnect with pieces of ourselves long forgotten.

Waiting on our porch when we got home was the box from Stockroom and it is still sitting unopened in the kitchen, Jaci’s little way of torturing me.  (I always need to open all boxes as soon as they arrive.)  Hopefully, we’ll get to play with all our new toys very, very soon.


Site Change & Chilling

Yesterday, Mistress Trecia expressed concern that my blog which, while originally an "instrument of devotion" to her, was "degrading into ’sour grapes’".  I disagree with her in that regard, but she’s correct in that I created this for her and it has lately become a platform for me to discuss my marriage and Jacqueline’s emerging Domme.

Therefore, "confessions of a timid boy" has officially become "sub-burbs".  I’m happy with the site’s theme, but I will be tweaking the features over the next couple of days.  I’m also not set on the default size of the text.

The new URL of the site is, but I will keep active and pointed to the blog so that existing incoming links keep working.  If you have me on your blogroll, I would really appreciate it if you would update the link.  (I’ll be contacting those that I know about via "talkback" personally.)

Also, I’m no longer going to refer to myself as "timidboy".  My name is Chris, and I’m a submissive.  Welcome to my site!

Today, I’m just chilling at home taking a "veg" day.  After this emotionally charged week, Jacqueline and I agreed that we needed a day to just hang out, play games, and just have fun.

We did have one brief discussion today, however.  Jacqueline confessed that she is feeling like less of a Domme since I haven’t been doting on her for the past two days.  After our agreement that we needed to slow down and not start with a 24/7 FemDom marriage, I did as we agreed and stopped worshiping Jaci as much as I was.  I am still helping out around the house, just not trying to do everything as a devotional.

Since we’re both pretty burnt, we decided to table the discussion on this until tomorrow.

Jacqueline is nearly done with the book "Different Loving" and has started putting together an Amazon wishlist of other books she is interested in.  (I noticed one guide to cock and ball torture on the list which excites and worries me at the same time.) 

Tomorrow, we’re planning to stop by Native Rituals, a piercing and tattoo shop in Oak Forrest so she can pick out a new ring for my piercing.  We also discussed getting my nipples pierced some time in the future.  Her main issue with getting them done is, basically, "What would the neighbors think?" should I ever take our nephews or (someday) kids to the neighborhood pool.  I told her that once they heal enough, I could take them out for a couple of hours without any issues and she agreed that would be a suitable compromise.  She did warn me not to pester her about it and said that she would save that for a very special treat.

This weekend is our first munch and we’re both nervous and excited and hoping we meet a bunch a new potential friends.  We also got confirmation that we’re on the list for Galleria Domain’s new members night in two weeks which should also be a lot of fun.

I’m going to stop writing now and get back to my big task for the day - advancing through Expert level on Guitar Hero II.


Right Round, Baby

Before I launch into today’s update, there’s a little piece of business I need to address.  I realized a couple of days ago that I’ve never referred to my wife by name (or even pseudonym) on this site.  Since it is getting increasingly awkward due to her central place in this saga, I need to fix that.  So, meet my wife Jacqueline or Jaci.  I will also be creating a "Cast of Characters" page today or tomorrow so that new readers can keep everyone straight.

Yesterday at work, I spent a good portion of the day e-mailing back and forth with my friend Jim.  (He is the friend I "came out" to recently and also left this great comment a couple of days ago.)  He has been cautioning me that, while my wife’s intentions may be pure, it’s just not possible to turn Domme overnight.  He also warned that you can’t decide to be that way - it has to be within you to begin with.

Since Jim and his husband parted ways recently over D/s (Jim needed it and his husband was too vanilla), I place a great deal of stock in his advice.  Since Thursday’s talk with my wife ended on such a hopeless note, much of our discussion was over whether you can find the deep emotional connection to D/s that Jacqueline seems to lack.  We both agreed that it didn’t seem likely and that if one member of couple had it and the other didn’t, neither would really be getting what they want out of the relationship.

I left for home that night with the intention of telling my wife I wanted a divorce.

When I got home, Jacqueline was there.  Her plans to spend time at her sister-in-law’s house had derailed and she ended up just staying home.  I mentioned that Jim and I had discussed a great deal that day and gave her the summary of what we talked about.  I also said that I thought we were too far apart to ever find our way back to the middle again.

Rather than the screaming match I expected, we starting having a really open and fantastic talk and made a few huge revelations about ourselves and our marriage.

First, Jacqueline said that she has actually been suppressing her own D/s desires.  When she was 14, she met Jason in High School and immediately had a connection to him.  She had extremely low self-esteem and this handsome, confident guy became a source of fascination and attraction.  Although he mostly refused to acknowledge their relationship in public, the two of them met daily in his bedroom, something that led to talk of sex and spanking, a specific passion of his. 

As time went on, Jacqueline fell deeper and deeper under his spell and eventually became his sub.  While the roles were never formalized, she describes reaching what we both agree was subspace and the emotional connection she had with their time together.  On more than one occasion, she said the pain of the impact play (which eventually grew from spanking into paddling, whipping, and caning) would force this cathartic release and leave her first sobbing and then completely floating free of thought.

However, Jason’s constant emotional abuse (making her feel "less than" and never wanting anyone to know about their secret time together) started causing some deep scars.  When their sessions ended after her and I started to date in college, Jacqueline’s guilt over her willingness to do anything to be close to Jason (and the degradation she felt about the spanking after their sessions) forced her to bury the positive feelings she had experienced.

The two of them remained friends, but Jason’s emotional abuse continued.  It wasn’t until almost 10 years later, after Jaci and I got back together, that they had a final falling out that would cause them to stop speaking.  Jacqueline was growing stronger as a person and was standing up for herself, something that caused Jason to immediately reject her in favor of the other footstep-worshiping people he typically surrounded himself with.  Jaci was understandably devastated and, lumping her D/s experience in with all the other negative aspects of their relationship, buried everything.

Unfortunately, this meant that when I first had my inklings that D/s was the centerpiece and key to my own emotional turmoil, she had become aggressively vanilla.  This, in turn, forced me to look elsewhere and not explore what turned out to be the source of my pain and longing.

If that isn’t an emotional connection to D/s, I don’t know what is. 

Next, we discussed my recent revelations.  Jacqueline agreed that she had been expecting me to navigate a catch-22.  She said I should have come to her as soon as I realized that D/s was this all-consuming thing for me before I "stepped out" with Mistress Trecia, but I didn’t understand that D/s was this all-consuming thing for me until  I became fully dedicated and devoted to Mistress Trecia.

During our talk, I realized much of my desire to bolt immediately from the marriage is because, now that I know the source of this pain and emptiness that I’ve felt so long, I want to run out and do as much as I can to fill it right away.  Jacqueline said it was like parking a starving man at a buffet.  I know she can’t give me what I want immediately, so I want to run away and get it from where ever I can.

It is exactly this type of behavior that caused me to make such bad decisions with the Dommes I new in San Diego.  I would trust anyone  who could scratch my itch without regard to their experience or my own safety.

Seeing that, I realized that I probably should slow down and not immediately try to immerse myself into a 24/7 sub relationship.  Between my first fantasies at age 8 and this new discovery at age 37, I think a step back and a few months to reflect and learn aren’t a huge sacrifice and will actually be a good thing.

This led us to a talk about our own expectations as a couple.  Asking Jacqueline to go from complete novice to lifestyle Domme overnight was incredibly unfair of me.  It’s no wonder I wasn’t feeling the connection - I put so much pressure on the relationship and impossible requirements on Jaci.  Our new plan is to step back in our D/s relationship and to not try to sustain a 24/7 lifestyle.  We are going to schedule sessions several times a week during which we will experiment and "play", something that will give Jacqueline time to plan new sessions and analyze her own feelings.

We also took some time last night and started the process of reaching out to local D/s groups and the Chicago community.  We requested an invite to the Leather SINS bi-monthly dinner, planned to attend the Midway Munch next weekend, and also an requested an invite to Galleria Domain’s next new member’s night.  (Galleria Domain is a play club that also hosts frequent educational sessions.  It’s member’s only, but they invite prospective members in once per month to meet the regulars and get a feel for the place.)

We also talked about the brutal fact that we are not in a financial position to split at the moment even if we both wanted to. We’ve mortgaged our house to the breaking point in order to complete the first phase of our insane remodelling project.  To make the house saleable at all requires us complete our plan to finish this first phase and refinance to roll all the costs to date back into the mortgage.  (The house value should climb high enough with our improvements to more than cover what we’ve spent.)

The process has taken 6 years of hard work, but we are actually within 3 -6 months of completion.  Faced with that reality, we both agreed that there was no sense in trying to break up until the house is done.  Therefore, we’re going to dedicate ourselves to explore and learn as much as we can about D/s and our places in it during that time and reevaluate once we’re solvent again.

Finally, I had a realization last night about my time with Mistress Trecia.  While I know I crossed a line by violating Jacqueline’s trust, I also believe that Mistress Trecia and I crossed a line as well.  When my relationship with Mistress Natalie drifted from D/s into romantic and sexual territories, it nearly consumed me.  Despite many talks on the topic with Mistress Trecia and an agreement that the sub should give their heart to the Domme, I think I let myself fall too far.  I blame myself and my inexperience for this and am ashamed at myself for getting in over my head again.

I know this was probably my "starving man at a buffet" reaction, wanting to submerse myself (no pun intended) as wholly and completely as possible into the role.    It still wouldn’t have been healthy in the long term and has made me realize that my inexperience and soul-crushing need for D/s are at odds with each other, which is just yet another reason to take a step back and learn more about this and myself before moving forward again.

We finally called it a night at 2 a.m., embracing warmly and kissing good night, both of us looking forward to the exploration ahead.


Flip Flop

I feel like I need to update the blog every 2 hours since my life and marriage seem to be in that much of a flux.

While I was writing yesterday’s post, my wife was on the phone with her good friend Cindy that is also a counselor.  (Well, she has the credentials, but is non practicing.)

Cindy told my wife that she should leave.  I’ve abused her enough, this was cheating (again), and she needed to go.

We talked after she got off the phone and she told me that, as more details emerged about my time with Trecia, the more hurt she became.  She was also shocked at the depth and detail of my deception.  (For instance, when pushed, I told her the BDSM furniture was being sold to a nice couple in Wisconsin that I met on-line to help fund my "counseling retreat" in Minnesota.  When asked upon my return, I told her I met them in the parking lot of the Home Depot just outside of Madison and even described them for her.)  

I’m going into work today, but my wife is packing some things and going to her sister-in-law’s house.  She’s planning to stay there for at least a couple of days, after which we’ll meet again and decide if we’re going to stay together or part ways.

My wife said the biggest reason she’s stayed around is that she can’t imagine life without me.  She asked if I had thought of life without her and told her I did.  I said it was a potentially lonely life, but that I figured out a plan for at least the near future if need be.

We also discussed "The Plan", our house-in-the-burbs-full-of-kids plan that is still unfulfilled.  We agreed that it would be nice to have all that, but I once again expressed my fear about bringing kids into this relationship.  After all our past fertility issues, our window for having our own kids is closing fast and we’re scheduled to start on another treatment course in June.  (That is one of the reasons I’ve been so hellbent on figuring this out definitively as fast as possible.)  She of the opinion that having kids and then splitting up is better than no kids at all, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one.

While part of me keeps agreeing to the conditions under which we would get back together, another part of me wonders if we can ever get back from this.  So much of D/s is embedded in trust that I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to fix this relationship to the point where it work as a FemDom marriage.

I met my wife when I was just turning 19 and we were married two years later.  We’ve been together literally half our lives, but we were such different people back then.  I keep wondering if we are both holding onto the ideals and people we saw in each other back then and not looking at who we are now.

The greatest guilt I’m feeling at the moment is at the idea of how much of my wife’s time (and life) I’ve wasted.

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Things have calmed down a little bit since my last post.  We both got a couple hours of sleep and started talking again.

I realized in that time that I have a number of fears and that me trying to bail on things was me not wanting to face them.

I’m afraid that my wife doesn’t really understand what she’s promising when she talks about D/s and wanting to Domme.  By offering to find a mentor and go to the munches, I think she is sincere in "knowing what she doesn’t know" and her willingness to learn.

I’m afraid that my wife is saying what I want to hear.  Again, I think she’s sincere and we’ve discussed being open about how the D/s is working our and agreeing to split down the road if we’re not getting our needs met.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to accept my wife as a Domme.  We have a lot of history (and baggage) between us and I’m worried that this will diminish my ability to put her on that pedestal.

I’m afraid of my wife’s inexperience and what that might mean for her acceptance and understanding of the role.  We’ve discussed this in relation to reaching out into the local scene for help and it has only been two days, so this one is on me to be patient and see where things go.

Most of all, I think I’m afraid of our future.  For our entire marriage, I’ve been searching for the thing I need to fill this hole in my heart.  I’ve thrown sex, money, porn, swinging, and just about everything else I could think of into that hole, but it never seemed to help.  The peace I feel when I’m subbing and the happiness that I feel is proof to me that this  is what I’ve been seeking for so long.  These desires that first appeared so long ago and since kept locked away seem to be the source of my longing.  But what if this is just another thing on the long line of "sure things" meant to close the void.

We’re taking a short break now, but we spent three hours this afternoon going through my blog post by post with a great deal of my wife beating me up over my choices and my discarding of our marriage vows.  I’m trying so hard not to be defensive since most of what I did has no defense.  Seeing the day-by-day events over past four months through my wife’s eyes has shown me how much I abused her trust and was blind to the disrespect for her and our marriage.

My constant mantra was that my ultimate wish was to get Trecia and my wife together, but in what insane alternate dimension would that ever happen?  After our horrible swinging experience (and the fights/discussions that followed), she would never be comfortable letting another person into our marriage in that capacity.  I was blinded by my desire for subbing and my search for solace that I disregarded her feelings entirely.

As is stands now, we’re still going to attempt to move into a FemDom marriage.  Many of the things that have bothered both of us up until now (my wife’s control issues and manipulation, my selfishness and unwillingness to budge on certain household issues, and so on), would all be solved in the FemDom context.  Our troubles also closely echo those of Mrs. Claudia and her husband and their new roles really helped their relationship.

I know it seems really convenient for my wife to suddenly make the jump into FemDom, but I really do think she is sincere and does have the Goddess within her.  All we need to do now is figure out how to take what we’ve built up to this point and make it a stronger foundation for our new lives.

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Truth & Consequences

On Tuesday, I confessed everything to my wife.  Trecia, my trip to visit her, everything.

She seemed to take it well and we started to move forward.

Then she read the blog.

I don’t think she understood the power D/s has over me and how much of myself I gave to Trecia. 

After an amazing day yesterday (we even did some shopping for "toys" on-line), she started to read the blog last night.  I was woken at 2:30 a.m. by her screaming at the computer.

We talked for a few hours, but the rage and anger I was expecting Monday finally surfaced.

I’m afraid now that it’s over.

I love my wife, but I keep hurting her. 

I don’t know what to do.  She made the point that whenever I want something, I take it, regardless of the costs or consequences and she’s right.

Around 5 a.m., I came downstairs so she could think.  Just before I had done so, she mentioned wanting to pack a bag and move to her sister-and-law’s house.

I know I could probably smooth talk her and tell her again about how I’ve seen her in this amazing new light, but 2 days of "magic" after 16 years of one fuck up after another isn’t really a good selling point.

And here I am pushing her away for her "own good" again.

But, then again, that’s how I feel.  I don’t even trust myself any longer.  Back in my history posts, I kept talking about how Crystal Meth was responsible for my bad decision making.  I realized this morning that it was just another excuse and that I am the person that was making those decisions.  Making these  decisions.  Making the decision that everything will be alright now if she would just do this or that for me .

And what sucks even more is that, even now, I can’t say I regret my time with Trecia because of how it helped me deal with the demons of my past and come to terms with who I am.  That’s not to say that I regret how I handled things overall, but that might just be being pissed that I got "caught".

I normally don’t just vomit thought out onto the blog without putting together in my head first, so I apologize for the tone and nakedness of this post.

I’ll post some more later when I’m feeling a little more coherent.

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This morning, I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

I asked Mistress Trecia to release me.

As she herself said, I can’t serve two Mistresses and I have to give my wife a chance to fulfill this role in my life.  Mistress took the news with a great deal of grace, wishing the best for my wife and I, but we both shed some tears over this sudden change in our relationship.

I am indebted to her such a great deal.  If our paths hadn’t crossed, I’d still be downing Courtney Love-level anti-depressants trying to kid myself that my marriage wasn’t all that bad.  It took the joy she introduced into my existance to show me how much I needed to change and find happiness, the service I entered into to show me my true self, and her elevating my expectations of what life should be like to inspire me to face the changes that had to be made.

I owe her my life and my marriage.  I will forever cherish the memories of our time together and the service (and suffering) I was honored to be a part of.  Mistress "Wycked Kytten" Trecia is a rare and special woman, an extraordinary Domme, and an exceptional human being. 

I do hope that Trecia and I can find a way to stay friends through the pain and heartache of our "break up".  My life will only be richer with her in it, even if I can’t be in the role I came to love so much.

As for the future going forward, I’ve decided to keep blogging, even if the frequency fades a little from my current "post a day" pace.  One of the reasons Trecia asked me to start this blog was to help other subs who may be going through the same pains of awakening and struggles with their lives and  marriages.  If even one other person is inspired and/or assisted by the story of my transformation, it’s worth maintaining.

Plus, part of me will always be "timidboy", the unspecting guy who reached out to a voice from across the Internet and ended up turning his life around.  It is in that honor that this site will keep its name.

I’m going to sign off now, perhaps even for a day or two.  There’s plenty of crying left to do…

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Sugasm #76

Sugasm #76

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #77? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
The Curse of Nude Modeling Strikes Again (…)
“I choose to share images of my nude or near-naked self on this website.”

My Kinkiest Fetish (…)
“There is an erotic frisson about a skillful mindfuck that is almost as good as the real thing.”

Upgrading the Product Line (…)
“But even in the throes of orgasm, part of my brain is ticking off the clock.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
What Am I Supposed To Do? (…)

Editor’s Choice
The Sex Club: Part 1 (…)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Clitorises, caffeine, consuming, and other oral fixations (…)
Our Struggle With Desire (part 2) (…)
Still not a total bitch (…)
What turns you on just by thinking about it? (…)

Sex Politics
1984 is approaching (…)
Putting On My Big-Girl Panties, One Leg At A Time (…)

NSFW Pics (& videos)
I Feel Myself (…)
Playing with my New Toy (…)

Sex Work
First kiss of the whip a first meeting (…)
Getting Off (…)
Translation… (…)

BDSM & Fetish
Fantastic fellatio (…)
Featured Fetish - Balloons? Really? Huh. Ok. Balloons! (…)
Figure Study (continued) (…)
Happy HNT - Frozen flash (…)
Impatient Kitty (…)
The Stroke Slut is Back (…)
Tighter: the garage (…)
Unexpected, Part Three (…)

Sex News & Sex Reviews Girls are Good! (…)
The Cone Review (…)
My Favorite Toy (…)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Butterflies & Goose Bumps (…)
Deep Impact (…)
Devotion (…)
Diary of a Futa (part 1) (…)
Flying High (…)
Mid Afternoon Romp (…)
Mooning over moaning (…)
My darkest moment (…)
Project Management in Four easy steps (…)
Sublime Things - Lover’s Discourse (…)
Using Lingerie To Create Intimacy - And Erotica! (…)
Virgin (…)

Sexy stockings pic courtesy of A Slip of a Girl.

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A New Day

The next morning, I woke up and put on a happy face. This was the "new me", the average Joe Husband, the perfectly vanilla guy who just happened to sneak off once and awhile to do secret assignments for his secret web Mistress.  Guys all over the world do it, so why not me.

I found my wife sitting in her room reading "Different Loving".  She told me she had been up all night reading and wanted to talk.

She apologized for our fight the night before.  She explained that she was insulted that I didn’t trust her, but that she should have realized it would be hard for me to accept such a drastic change of attitude without some concern. 

I explained that the title "Mistress" and the worshiping of a Domme is a sacred thing for me.  It is my religion.  When I’m in the service of a Domme, I have to give over my entire body, mind, heart, and soul or it just isn’t real for me.

My wife then took a deep breath and started to explain why she thought she was actually a Domme.  She has serious control issues, meaning that she has to be in control all the time.  She’s most comfortable when she’s calling the shots.  She already runs out house by managing the money and picking out our meals.  She is a master manipulator and can wrap people around her will without them even noticing.  (She hates that I’ve developed the skill to see through that.)  She has a devious and wicked dark sense of humor.  She adores "dress up" and fetish clothing, especially goth and leather (something I didn’t know until right then).

I started feeling her out further.  Would she be willing to go to local D/s support groups and/or gatherings in order to help her learn more about being a Domme?  She agreed, with the caveat that, at least at first, we not let the vanilla people in our lives (which she charmingly referred to as "muggles")  into our new roles.  Would she be willing to go to leather and D/s conferences to learn more about being a Domme and BDSM techniques?  She agreed.

She also offered up that she would call a mutual friend (someone we’ve known since college) who is in a D/s relationship with his submissive wife (something I didn’t know) to find out how they balance a family life with their daughter and their roles.

My wife admitted that this was a big step, but she thought that she had the makings of a Domme and realized that how important it was to me.  She then started to tell me the story of "Jason" (name changed to protect his identity) that she knew in high school and college.  I knew him, too - he actually introduced us and was best man at our wedding.  What I didn’t know was the depth of their D/s relationship.  I knew he used to spank her for fun, but had no idea how devoted she was to him and how much she really understood subspace and what it meant to be a sub. 

She then said that, while she did like being a sub in the bedroom once and awhile, there is no possible way she could live like that 24/7.  She also has grown quite a bit in the 18 years since they dated and now is much stronger and likes to be the one calling the shots. 

While she was telling me everything I wanted to hear, she was including enough detail and was so earnest and honest that all of my skepticism from the night before vanished.  My wife even did something completely unexpected:  she asked for a trial period.  We would give a Femdom marriage a serious, full-hearted try and, if it didn’t work out to both our satisfaction, we would part ways.  She said again that she understood how important this was to me and realized how much I needed this in my life and that she would walk away if we agreed that it wasn’t happening between us.

At this point, the reality of the situation dawned on me.  I was accepting my wife as a Domme and had to ask Mistress Trecia to release me.

During our talk, my wife had invited me to sit on the bed with her and over the course of the 4 hours I had scooted over so my head was resting on her leg.  Right around the time I made my realization, she reached out and started stroking my hair.  I immediately burst into a sobbing fit, already deeply mourning the loss of my relationship with Mistress Trecia.  My wife asked what was wrong and I told her, "Don’t worry - I don’t always get this weepy" which gave us both a much needed laugh.

Desperately needing a break from the talk, we decided to go to a favorite local diner and get some pancakes.  On the ride there, my wife said, "So, does this mean you’ll do the housework without whining now?"  We both laughed, but then my wife flashed me a wicked grin and said, "Well, I guess we’ll have to get you a little outfit or something.  I guess we’ll have to get drapes first.  Or maybe not…"

Then then unthinkable happened.

I blushed.

My wife had given me a little shove into my embarrassed subspace.

That’s when I realized that she was for real.  This woman I had promised to "love, honor, and obey" 16 years ago (almost to the day) was becoming my Goddess as well.  She was fulfilling the fantasy that secret subs all over world would have given anything for.  She was going to be my Mistress.

I choked back a new bout of tears.

After breakfast we returned home and my wife invited me upstairs again.  We talked a little bit further, mainly discussing titles.  She said that she was uncomfortable with "Mistress" at least to start with and asked that, if I were to address her "in scene" that I needed to call her "Ma’am" or "Miss".  As soon as I was up there, she told me to stop and hold still.  She then unbuttoned my shirt and dropped it to the floor, followed by my pants.

Just then, I remembered something important - she had no idea my penis was pierced.  Whoops.

Before I could say anything, she reached out to stroke my cock through my boxer briefs and got a handful of Prince Albert.   She was furious and stormed over the bed.

First, she said that I was a complete asshole for doing something so major without checking with her first.  She said that she would not take any further disrespect from me in our new roles and that I would start bowing to her will and not just force my own onto her all the time.  She then told me that I had ruined her surprise - one of the things she had been researching was penis piercings and she had planned to give me a barbell in a ring box as a gift in a few months. 

Finally, the curiosity got the better of her and she asked to see it.  Her mouth dropped open as my piercing was revealed and she stared agape for several minutes, eyes locked on my cock.  She then had a million questions.  Did it hurt?  What was it called again?  Where did I get it done?  How in the hell did I expect to get that thing inside her? Can I touch it?  And so on.

After the talk, she accepted the piercing but did say that she might want to get a different type of jewelry put in to make it more comfortable for her.  She then told me that I was not to get any additional piercings with her express permission and I agreed.  She acknowledged that she knew I wanted to get my nipples done, but warned me not to pester her any time soon.

With that out of the way, my wife told me to lay on the bed next to her.  I did and she started softly stroking my chest, then picked up the pace by scratching my chest and thighs with her nails and forcefully pulling on my nipples.  She then asked if I had any lube and, upon my saying yes, gave me a shove toward the edge of the bed and told me to go get it.  Back in bed, she poured a generous amount of lube into her hand and grabbed my cock.

It’s been more than three weeks since my last release, so it reacted immediately, getting rock hard and throbbing.  My wife started to stroke, varying the strength, speed, and stroke to put me in a frenzy but completely unable to even get to the edge.  Then, she firmly grabbed my cock right at the base and held her hand there.  I immediately started to buck just out of sheer need of contact, but she put her left hand flat on the center of my chest and said firmly, "Don’t….move".

I swear I didn’t mean to say it.  It just escaped my lips.

Yes, Miss.

My immersion into subspace at the hand of my wife was the only thing that didn’t keep me from bursting into another crying jag since I realized I had just violated my vow and commitment to Mistress Trecia.

After a moment, my wife said "I think that’s enough for now.  I’m not letting you cum as a punishment for not telling me about the piercing."

Later, after the subspace haze cleared, my wife and I discussed our mini-session.  She said that things would be better once she had more information about what things I liked and disliked in a session.  I told her that I had reached subspace and she expressed that she was relieved, mostly because she was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get there with her in the Domme role.

She also did something else unexpected - she invited me back into her bed.  We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for some time now (over a year) and this was a big gesture on her part that things might be not only getting back to normal, but that were starting a new chapter in our lives together.  (I told her I needed another night or two as we settled in and she agreed.)

We then went out to dinner and came home, my wife heading up to her room and me to mine and she gave me a goodnight kiss for the first time in over six months. 

Sleep was not to come, though.  I laid in bed staring at the ceiling knowing that Monday I would have to face Mistress Trecia and ask her to release me.  I went through a bunch of possible scenarios (including throwing some clothes into a bag and leaving my wife in the middle of the night), but I knew that I could only serve one Mistress.  Anything else would be unfair to both Trecia and my wife.

Why does doing the right thing always suck?

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Happy Anniversary / Dropping The Bomb

Today is my 16 year wedding anniversary.  It started out on a sour note because I had to do 4 hours of traffic school early in the morning.  Yuck.  It ended up setting the tone for the entire day.

When I got home, my wife was busy on the computer upstairs, so I spent most of the day downstairs watching TV and playing Guitar Hero II.  Not the most romantic of times.

Finally, my wife came downstairs and announced that she had been reading about D/s all day and realized that she might be a Domme in the rough and wanted to try a Femdom marriage.

My first reaction was shock, followed by surprise, followed by suspicion.

The night before, I was getting ready to ask her for a divorce.  It was obvious we weren’t going anywhere and I had even started to look for a job in Minneapolis so I could be closer to Mistress Trecia.  Then, my wife comes with this out of the blue.

It seemed really convenient.  A little too  convenient.  We talked about it a little bit and I asked her if I could process the information for a while.  Then, I got on IM with Mistress and sought her advice.  She, like I, thought it was a little suspicious, but she did say that I had to try if my wife was sincere.  She did remind me that I could not serve two Mistresses and that, if my wife and I started a D/s relationship, she would have to release me. 

So I confronted my wife and said that I was happy with her news, but suspicious if she understood fully what she was talking about. 

She exploded and what followed was one of our worse fights ever.

After about two hours of yelling (our neighbors must love us now), she concluded by saying that I took 18 years of her life away and that me leaving would basically mean that she would never have a child.


It was a dirty blow, but I knew she meant that and that it was completely true.  I decided at that point to shut down completely.  I was going to go back to our horrible life, let her have the kids she wanted, and keep seeing Mistress on the side.  I told her to "never mind" all that "silly" submissive talk, that I was full of shit and was being unfair, and that she’d never had to worry again.

I went upstairs to my room, buried my face in a pillow, and sobbed uncontrollably for over an hour.  Sometime after that, I fell into a restless sleep full of nightmares and visions of a future I didn’t really want to live in.

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