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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

Trip - The Long Road Home

Note:  This post is going to be some pretty unsexy stuff.  If you just want stories of the erotic scenes with Mistress, scroll down and read the last few entries.

I woke up at 10:30 a.m. (thankfully, I had thought far enough ahead to set the alarm) with an hour to get packed and checked out.  As I was just ready to leave the room, I got a call from my wife.

I’m not incredibly proud of this fact, but my wife thought I was at a retreat to deal with sexual issues caused by my mother’s physical abuse.  This is actually not untrue, but is still incredibly misleading.  On the phone, my wife wanted to know if I figured anything out about "us".  I said that I had wanted to do some thinking before we talked, but she insisted that I tell her now.  I said that, right off the top of my head, I knew we aren’t compatible sexually and that I have been incredibly unhappy and that I don’t think it’s fair for me to keep her here in my life while I’m still trying to figure out who I am.  She said, "Oh" then, after a long pause, said that maybe we should talk when I get home and hung up.

Great.

The seven-hour drive home was pretty uneventful and I spent the time thinking about what I want.  What scared me is that this is what I was feeling 12 years ago when my wife and I split the first time.  Lost sexually, lost emotionally, unhappy, and wanting to just reinvent myself so I could start fresh.

Part of me just wanted to drop everything, rent a U-Haul, and move to Minnesota without looking back.  My wife and I are on the outs in a serious way and it will take a miracle to fix our relationship.  My family has never been there for me, but now expects me to take over as the patriarch.  I hate my job.  It seems the only thing keeping me in Chicago is my best friend Josh, a gaming buddy who has become a close, trusted friend.  He, however, travels all the time for work and our only "in person" meet that we’ve been having is about to go on-line as one of our group’s members moved to Baltimore and the rest are scattered all over Illinois at the moment.  I could easily stay in touch via the Internet and not miss a thing.

On the other hand, I do feel a strong commitment to my wife.  (I have strange way of showing it, but there you go.)  I figure I owe her one last shot, to tell her that I think we’re sinking that we either have to right the ship or jump overboard.  She’s been there for me during some pretty dark times and I do adore her (despite the fact that she makes me crazy and/or angry and/or sad most of the time).  Part of me also thinks I’ll regret leaving my family behind again.  Although, when I left for the Navy in 1989 I had no intention of ever going back.  (It was my wife who brokered my return and got me to accept my family again.) 

This debate raged in my head during the drive.  What was clear is that I need to find a new direction.  My life to this point is just not working for me.  I’m financially successful with the nice house and a lucrative white collar job, but the relationships in my life are complete a mess.  I need to make some changes.

My wife arrived home shortly after I did and we started to talk.  It was actually pretty calm and collected.  I told her that I felt like we were at the point where we first broke up 12 years ago and she agreed.  I told her that we need to either start working on making us better or we needed to get a divorce.  She also agreed.  I confessed that my first instinct was to just be a completely horrible and/or just ask her for a divorce outright to push her away again, but she said that she was a grown up and can make her own decisions to stay or go.  For now, we’re going to make one last effort to work things out.  I’ve devoted almost half of my life to this woman and that’s something I don’t take lightly.

Later that night, I chatted with Mistress in IM.  When I described the above internal conflict and talk with my wife, Mistress immediately asked if I wanted her to back off.  I told her that I didn’t and explained my thinking behind the piercing.  More than anything, I got it because I wanted to show my commitment through what I knew would be some upheaval in my personal relationships.  I also told her that I think we’re a good D/s fit and that I cherished our time together and didn’t want to lose her through all this.

I put it like this:  "Without a source of light, you have no idea how dark it is." 

The journey I started with Mistress three months ago showed me just how unhappy I was with how things were and how lazy I was for just accepting all this crap in my life without wanting to fight for something better.  While I adore my wife, it’s unfair to both of us in the long run to stay together if it’s not working, something that I never even considered due my denial of my situation.

Long story short, I’m still devoted to Mistress, but am trying to see what pieces of my old life can be salvaged before I start anew.  I’m really  scared to finally face all this stuff, but Mistress has given me the strength and confidence in myself to take charge and carve out a place for myself in this world where I can be happy and am no longer content to stay in broken relationships just because it’s the easy thing to do.

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