sub-burbs

This morning, my wife apologized for shutting down the night before after I described my friend’s situation.  (He and his partner parted ways due to my friend’s need for D/s and his partner’s not being able to accept it.)

As I figured, my wife immediately saw the parallel and was concerned about us since we’re in the exact same situation.  This started a long talk, both while we were getting ready for work and during the hour’s drive into the city.

One of things we focused on is that I do enjoy vanilla sex and being intimate with her.  I also reiterated the fact that I find her attractive and think that everything else in our life clicks very well.  I explained that she needs to separate the notion of "sex" with that of "sexuality".  I also tried to explain that, while there is sexual play in D/s, it’s mainly a tool for exacting power and control, just as nudity is a tool for exploiting feelings of vulnerability and exposure to the same end.

We also discussed the topic of my past abuse.  When I came to her with the revelation of my need for D/s and how intertwined it is with my past and current desires, my wife was convinced that this was all bad because it was somehow spawned by the physical abuse from my mother or the sexual abuse from my Scoutmaster.  I explained that, while I’m sure they had an impact on my sexuality, the core of my submissiveness goes much deeper.

I also described how I feel that my D/s and need to have "pain for pleasure" is different that, say, a person choosing bad relationships because part of them needs to suffer.  Basically, there is "good pain" and "bad pain" and that while I think my abuse and some of my D/s feelings are somewhat commingled, I don’t think that I am into D/s because I want to relive the unhealthy experiences of my past.  I explained that I did start to drift into relationships like that but now understand the need for "safe, sane, consensual" play that is safe where I can sub in a nurturing environment instead.

We paused at one point and laughed at the conversation we were having since it was so frank and so far beyond anything we had ever discussed before.  I feel that my wife is starting to understand things somewhat and is starting to realize that she’s completely out of her depth and comfort zone.  She made a couple of comments to the effect that she doesn’t know if she will be able to fulfil this part of me after all, something which I said I thought as well.

Where we go from here is unknown, but I am actually relieved that we’ve been able have these pointed, calm, and intelligent discussions about this topic.  My wife even thanked me for not just pushing her out and for giving her the benefit of the doubt to try and deal with these issues.  Her fear is that she doesn’t know me anymore, something I told her wasn’t completely true.  This has always been a part of me, just a part she hasn’t seen on the surface before.

Tomorrow is our 16th wedding anniversary and is also 18 years to the day from when we got engaged.  It’s taken us this long to finally figure out how to communicate successfully.  Hopefully, we can continue the discussion and start to figure out what it will take for us to be happy.  While I know we both would like that to mean staying married, I think we’re both starting to figure out that maybe that’s not possible.