sub-burbs

Things have calmed down a little bit since my last post.  We both got a couple hours of sleep and started talking again.

I realized in that time that I have a number of fears and that me trying to bail on things was me not wanting to face them.

I’m afraid that my wife doesn’t really understand what she’s promising when she talks about D/s and wanting to Domme.  By offering to find a mentor and go to the munches, I think she is sincere in "knowing what she doesn’t know" and her willingness to learn.

I’m afraid that my wife is saying what I want to hear.  Again, I think she’s sincere and we’ve discussed being open about how the D/s is working our and agreeing to split down the road if we’re not getting our needs met.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to accept my wife as a Domme.  We have a lot of history (and baggage) between us and I’m worried that this will diminish my ability to put her on that pedestal.

I’m afraid of my wife’s inexperience and what that might mean for her acceptance and understanding of the role.  We’ve discussed this in relation to reaching out into the local scene for help and it has only been two days, so this one is on me to be patient and see where things go.

Most of all, I think I’m afraid of our future.  For our entire marriage, I’ve been searching for the thing I need to fill this hole in my heart.  I’ve thrown sex, money, porn, swinging, and just about everything else I could think of into that hole, but it never seemed to help.  The peace I feel when I’m subbing and the happiness that I feel is proof to me that this  is what I’ve been seeking for so long.  These desires that first appeared so long ago and since kept locked away seem to be the source of my longing.  But what if this is just another thing on the long line of "sure things" meant to close the void.

We’re taking a short break now, but we spent three hours this afternoon going through my blog post by post with a great deal of my wife beating me up over my choices and my discarding of our marriage vows.  I’m trying so hard not to be defensive since most of what I did has no defense.  Seeing the day-by-day events over past four months through my wife’s eyes has shown me how much I abused her trust and was blind to the disrespect for her and our marriage.

My constant mantra was that my ultimate wish was to get Trecia and my wife together, but in what insane alternate dimension would that ever happen?  After our horrible swinging experience (and the fights/discussions that followed), she would never be comfortable letting another person into our marriage in that capacity.  I was blinded by my desire for subbing and my search for solace that I disregarded her feelings entirely.

As is stands now, we’re still going to attempt to move into a FemDom marriage.  Many of the things that have bothered both of us up until now (my wife’s control issues and manipulation, my selfishness and unwillingness to budge on certain household issues, and so on), would all be solved in the FemDom context.  Our troubles also closely echo those of Mrs. Claudia and her husband and their new roles really helped their relationship.

I know it seems really convenient for my wife to suddenly make the jump into FemDom, but I really do think she is sincere and does have the Goddess within her.  All we need to do now is figure out how to take what we’ve built up to this point and make it a stronger foundation for our new lives.

On Tuesday, I confessed everything to my wife.  Trecia, my trip to visit her, everything.

She seemed to take it well and we started to move forward.

Then she read the blog.

I don’t think she understood the power D/s has over me and how much of myself I gave to Trecia. 

After an amazing day yesterday (we even did some shopping for "toys" on-line), she started to read the blog last night.  I was woken at 2:30 a.m. by her screaming at the computer.

We talked for a few hours, but the rage and anger I was expecting Monday finally surfaced.

I’m afraid now that it’s over.

I love my wife, but I keep hurting her. 

I don’t know what to do.  She made the point that whenever I want something, I take it, regardless of the costs or consequences and she’s right.

Around 5 a.m., I came downstairs so she could think.  Just before I had done so, she mentioned wanting to pack a bag and move to her sister-and-law’s house.

I know I could probably smooth talk her and tell her again about how I’ve seen her in this amazing new light, but 2 days of "magic" after 16 years of one fuck up after another isn’t really a good selling point.

And here I am pushing her away for her "own good" again.

But, then again, that’s how I feel.  I don’t even trust myself any longer.  Back in my history posts, I kept talking about how Crystal Meth was responsible for my bad decision making.  I realized this morning that it was just another excuse and that I am the person that was making those decisions.  Making these  decisions.  Making the decision that everything will be alright now if she would just do this or that for me .

And what sucks even more is that, even now, I can’t say I regret my time with Trecia because of how it helped me deal with the demons of my past and come to terms with who I am.  That’s not to say that I regret how I handled things overall, but that might just be being pissed that I got "caught".

I normally don’t just vomit thought out onto the blog without putting together in my head first, so I apologize for the tone and nakedness of this post.

I’ll post some more later when I’m feeling a little more coherent.