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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

Fears

Things have calmed down a little bit since my last post.  We both got a couple hours of sleep and started talking again.

I realized in that time that I have a number of fears and that me trying to bail on things was me not wanting to face them.

I’m afraid that my wife doesn’t really understand what she’s promising when she talks about D/s and wanting to Domme.  By offering to find a mentor and go to the munches, I think she is sincere in "knowing what she doesn’t know" and her willingness to learn.

I’m afraid that my wife is saying what I want to hear.  Again, I think she’s sincere and we’ve discussed being open about how the D/s is working our and agreeing to split down the road if we’re not getting our needs met.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to accept my wife as a Domme.  We have a lot of history (and baggage) between us and I’m worried that this will diminish my ability to put her on that pedestal.

I’m afraid of my wife’s inexperience and what that might mean for her acceptance and understanding of the role.  We’ve discussed this in relation to reaching out into the local scene for help and it has only been two days, so this one is on me to be patient and see where things go.

Most of all, I think I’m afraid of our future.  For our entire marriage, I’ve been searching for the thing I need to fill this hole in my heart.  I’ve thrown sex, money, porn, swinging, and just about everything else I could think of into that hole, but it never seemed to help.  The peace I feel when I’m subbing and the happiness that I feel is proof to me that this  is what I’ve been seeking for so long.  These desires that first appeared so long ago and since kept locked away seem to be the source of my longing.  But what if this is just another thing on the long line of "sure things" meant to close the void.

We’re taking a short break now, but we spent three hours this afternoon going through my blog post by post with a great deal of my wife beating me up over my choices and my discarding of our marriage vows.  I’m trying so hard not to be defensive since most of what I did has no defense.  Seeing the day-by-day events over past four months through my wife’s eyes has shown me how much I abused her trust and was blind to the disrespect for her and our marriage.

My constant mantra was that my ultimate wish was to get Trecia and my wife together, but in what insane alternate dimension would that ever happen?  After our horrible swinging experience (and the fights/discussions that followed), she would never be comfortable letting another person into our marriage in that capacity.  I was blinded by my desire for subbing and my search for solace that I disregarded her feelings entirely.

As is stands now, we’re still going to attempt to move into a FemDom marriage.  Many of the things that have bothered both of us up until now (my wife’s control issues and manipulation, my selfishness and unwillingness to budge on certain household issues, and so on), would all be solved in the FemDom context.  Our troubles also closely echo those of Mrs. Claudia and her husband and their new roles really helped their relationship.

I know it seems really convenient for my wife to suddenly make the jump into FemDom, but I really do think she is sincere and does have the Goddess within her.  All we need to do now is figure out how to take what we’ve built up to this point and make it a stronger foundation for our new lives.

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