sub-burbs

I feel like I need to update the blog every 2 hours since my life and marriage seem to be in that much of a flux.

While I was writing yesterday’s post, my wife was on the phone with her good friend Cindy that is also a counselor.  (Well, she has the credentials, but is non practicing.)

Cindy told my wife that she should leave.  I’ve abused her enough, this was cheating (again), and she needed to go.

We talked after she got off the phone and she told me that, as more details emerged about my time with Trecia, the more hurt she became.  She was also shocked at the depth and detail of my deception.  (For instance, when pushed, I told her the BDSM furniture was being sold to a nice couple in Wisconsin that I met on-line to help fund my "counseling retreat" in Minnesota.  When asked upon my return, I told her I met them in the parking lot of the Home Depot just outside of Madison and even described them for her.)  

I’m going into work today, but my wife is packing some things and going to her sister-in-law’s house.  She’s planning to stay there for at least a couple of days, after which we’ll meet again and decide if we’re going to stay together or part ways.

My wife said the biggest reason she’s stayed around is that she can’t imagine life without me.  She asked if I had thought of life without her and told her I did.  I said it was a potentially lonely life, but that I figured out a plan for at least the near future if need be.

We also discussed "The Plan", our house-in-the-burbs-full-of-kids plan that is still unfulfilled.  We agreed that it would be nice to have all that, but I once again expressed my fear about bringing kids into this relationship.  After all our past fertility issues, our window for having our own kids is closing fast and we’re scheduled to start on another treatment course in June.  (That is one of the reasons I’ve been so hellbent on figuring this out definitively as fast as possible.)  She of the opinion that having kids and then splitting up is better than no kids at all, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one.

While part of me keeps agreeing to the conditions under which we would get back together, another part of me wonders if we can ever get back from this.  So much of D/s is embedded in trust that I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to fix this relationship to the point where it work as a FemDom marriage.

I met my wife when I was just turning 19 and we were married two years later.  We’ve been together literally half our lives, but we were such different people back then.  I keep wondering if we are both holding onto the ideals and people we saw in each other back then and not looking at who we are now.

The greatest guilt I’m feeling at the moment is at the idea of how much of my wife’s time (and life) I’ve wasted.