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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

Right Round, Baby

Before I launch into today’s update, there’s a little piece of business I need to address.  I realized a couple of days ago that I’ve never referred to my wife by name (or even pseudonym) on this site.  Since it is getting increasingly awkward due to her central place in this saga, I need to fix that.  So, meet my wife Jacqueline or Jaci.  I will also be creating a "Cast of Characters" page today or tomorrow so that new readers can keep everyone straight.

Yesterday at work, I spent a good portion of the day e-mailing back and forth with my friend Jim.  (He is the friend I "came out" to recently and also left this great comment a couple of days ago.)  He has been cautioning me that, while my wife’s intentions may be pure, it’s just not possible to turn Domme overnight.  He also warned that you can’t decide to be that way - it has to be within you to begin with.

Since Jim and his husband parted ways recently over D/s (Jim needed it and his husband was too vanilla), I place a great deal of stock in his advice.  Since Thursday’s talk with my wife ended on such a hopeless note, much of our discussion was over whether you can find the deep emotional connection to D/s that Jacqueline seems to lack.  We both agreed that it didn’t seem likely and that if one member of couple had it and the other didn’t, neither would really be getting what they want out of the relationship.

I left for home that night with the intention of telling my wife I wanted a divorce.

When I got home, Jacqueline was there.  Her plans to spend time at her sister-in-law’s house had derailed and she ended up just staying home.  I mentioned that Jim and I had discussed a great deal that day and gave her the summary of what we talked about.  I also said that I thought we were too far apart to ever find our way back to the middle again.

Rather than the screaming match I expected, we starting having a really open and fantastic talk and made a few huge revelations about ourselves and our marriage.

First, Jacqueline said that she has actually been suppressing her own D/s desires.  When she was 14, she met Jason in High School and immediately had a connection to him.  She had extremely low self-esteem and this handsome, confident guy became a source of fascination and attraction.  Although he mostly refused to acknowledge their relationship in public, the two of them met daily in his bedroom, something that led to talk of sex and spanking, a specific passion of his. 

As time went on, Jacqueline fell deeper and deeper under his spell and eventually became his sub.  While the roles were never formalized, she describes reaching what we both agree was subspace and the emotional connection she had with their time together.  On more than one occasion, she said the pain of the impact play (which eventually grew from spanking into paddling, whipping, and caning) would force this cathartic release and leave her first sobbing and then completely floating free of thought.

However, Jason’s constant emotional abuse (making her feel "less than" and never wanting anyone to know about their secret time together) started causing some deep scars.  When their sessions ended after her and I started to date in college, Jacqueline’s guilt over her willingness to do anything to be close to Jason (and the degradation she felt about the spanking after their sessions) forced her to bury the positive feelings she had experienced.

The two of them remained friends, but Jason’s emotional abuse continued.  It wasn’t until almost 10 years later, after Jaci and I got back together, that they had a final falling out that would cause them to stop speaking.  Jacqueline was growing stronger as a person and was standing up for herself, something that caused Jason to immediately reject her in favor of the other footstep-worshiping people he typically surrounded himself with.  Jaci was understandably devastated and, lumping her D/s experience in with all the other negative aspects of their relationship, buried everything.

Unfortunately, this meant that when I first had my inklings that D/s was the centerpiece and key to my own emotional turmoil, she had become aggressively vanilla.  This, in turn, forced me to look elsewhere and not explore what turned out to be the source of my pain and longing.

If that isn’t an emotional connection to D/s, I don’t know what is. 

Next, we discussed my recent revelations.  Jacqueline agreed that she had been expecting me to navigate a catch-22.  She said I should have come to her as soon as I realized that D/s was this all-consuming thing for me before I "stepped out" with Mistress Trecia, but I didn’t understand that D/s was this all-consuming thing for me until  I became fully dedicated and devoted to Mistress Trecia.

During our talk, I realized much of my desire to bolt immediately from the marriage is because, now that I know the source of this pain and emptiness that I’ve felt so long, I want to run out and do as much as I can to fill it right away.  Jacqueline said it was like parking a starving man at a buffet.  I know she can’t give me what I want immediately, so I want to run away and get it from where ever I can.

It is exactly this type of behavior that caused me to make such bad decisions with the Dommes I new in San Diego.  I would trust anyone  who could scratch my itch without regard to their experience or my own safety.

Seeing that, I realized that I probably should slow down and not immediately try to immerse myself into a 24/7 sub relationship.  Between my first fantasies at age 8 and this new discovery at age 37, I think a step back and a few months to reflect and learn aren’t a huge sacrifice and will actually be a good thing.

This led us to a talk about our own expectations as a couple.  Asking Jacqueline to go from complete novice to lifestyle Domme overnight was incredibly unfair of me.  It’s no wonder I wasn’t feeling the connection - I put so much pressure on the relationship and impossible requirements on Jaci.  Our new plan is to step back in our D/s relationship and to not try to sustain a 24/7 lifestyle.  We are going to schedule sessions several times a week during which we will experiment and "play", something that will give Jacqueline time to plan new sessions and analyze her own feelings.

We also took some time last night and started the process of reaching out to local D/s groups and the Chicago community.  We requested an invite to the Leather SINS bi-monthly dinner, planned to attend the Midway Munch next weekend, and also an requested an invite to Galleria Domain’s next new member’s night.  (Galleria Domain is a play club that also hosts frequent educational sessions.  It’s member’s only, but they invite prospective members in once per month to meet the regulars and get a feel for the place.)

We also talked about the brutal fact that we are not in a financial position to split at the moment even if we both wanted to. We’ve mortgaged our house to the breaking point in order to complete the first phase of our insane remodelling project.  To make the house saleable at all requires us complete our plan to finish this first phase and refinance to roll all the costs to date back into the mortgage.  (The house value should climb high enough with our improvements to more than cover what we’ve spent.)

The process has taken 6 years of hard work, but we are actually within 3 -6 months of completion.  Faced with that reality, we both agreed that there was no sense in trying to break up until the house is done.  Therefore, we’re going to dedicate ourselves to explore and learn as much as we can about D/s and our places in it during that time and reevaluate once we’re solvent again.

Finally, I had a realization last night about my time with Mistress Trecia.  While I know I crossed a line by violating Jacqueline’s trust, I also believe that Mistress Trecia and I crossed a line as well.  When my relationship with Mistress Natalie drifted from D/s into romantic and sexual territories, it nearly consumed me.  Despite many talks on the topic with Mistress Trecia and an agreement that the sub should give their heart to the Domme, I think I let myself fall too far.  I blame myself and my inexperience for this and am ashamed at myself for getting in over my head again.

I know this was probably my "starving man at a buffet" reaction, wanting to submerse myself (no pun intended) as wholly and completely as possible into the role.    It still wouldn’t have been healthy in the long term and has made me realize that my inexperience and soul-crushing need for D/s are at odds with each other, which is just yet another reason to take a step back and learn more about this and myself before moving forward again.

We finally called it a night at 2 a.m., embracing warmly and kissing good night, both of us looking forward to the exploration ahead.

5 Comments so far

  1. MWK April 28th, 2007 11:20 am

    There have been many posts in the past few days I felt compelled to speak on, but I have been trying to remain quiet and in the background to let TB and his wife figure out their primary relationship. I feel this post has basically forced my hand and I feel I need to comment.

    I feel it’s in very bad taste to take an instrument of devotion and degrade it to a platform for “sour grapes”. Why not just nuke it, scrub all traces of me, and start a new blog, one in devotion of your wife, or your discovery process, or the journey? Seems that would be easier on everyone.

    Now a few points that obviously need clarity:

    #1 I NEVER encouraged you to dissolve your relationship with your wife, quite the contrary. I treated you like any other of my boys in a committed relationship and ATTEMPTED to tailor you “assignments” to include your wife. I only abandoned that approach with you when you repeatedly came to me after your advances were rejected by your wife apologizing for “failing me”. Because you described your relationship with your wife as “perfect in every way except sex”, I was hoping that a sexual approach with the focus being placed on her needs would foster some intimacy.

    #2 Nor did I EVER imply that I wanted a romantic relationship with you. I made it very clear that even in my wildest fantasies that could include you in the role of one of my “live ins” my husband would always be the focus of my romantic and traditional/vanilla sexual energies… AND that your wife would be welcomed and appreciated to fulfill your romantic and non D/s needs. Hell I even joked about hubby topping your wife while I topped you boys, since we both agreed that she seems to have a sexually submissive identity/affiliation.

    #3 Did I love you? Sure, of course I did… as I said before I honestly considered you my puppy. Did I fall in love with you? No… my heart does and probably always will belong to my husband. I can’t imagine myself ever asking for my heart back, but then I don’t give it lightly either.

    #4 I didn’t and still don’t think that our feelings of deep care for one another is the real issue, but I no longer feel EITHER of you has what it takes to recognize that distinction. Nor do I think you have the courage to handle the implications.

    I think this whole situation is very sad, but it’s quickly becoming embarrassing. In my chosen PROFESSION, I am all to aware how quickly and easily I become the bad guy. And if that’s “enough” for you and yours, to demonize the big bad Dominatrix, then fine… that’s your perrogative. But I refuse to be hung for trying to introduce you to the concept of unconditional love and acceptance… or for holding up the mirror so that you can see yourself for who/what you are.

    My assertion is still the same, all I REALLY want for you is peace, understanding, love, and happiness, however I can no longer hold your hand on your journey.

    I keep thinking of the “lifeguard” analogy: the lifeguard REALLY wants to save you, but he’ll let go and watch you drown if you keep flaying about. It’s sink or swim time.

    Good luck.

  2. timidboy April 28th, 2007 4:33 pm

    In all of this, I’ve only made one slightly negative comment, that being that I thought I was falling too deep and that I felt we both let that line slip. The venom in your comment seems very far out of proportion.

    I am keeping the blog up and running because, as you once stated, it might help others who were lost and struggling like myself. To steal your analogy, think of it as swimming lessons off the long pier.

    I’m sorry it had to end this way. I will always be grateful that you helped me find myself.

  3. JIM April 30th, 2007 9:34 am

    I have known timid for a long time now and there are a few other issues at hand besides what he has placed here. Even if he posted every little detail, knowing some ones heart and what the other fully feels, will only be known to the both of them (him and his wife).

    MWK, all I can say is, interesting. May I make a rebuttal from an outside point of view.

    1 – Just from reading the blog, he has mentioned few times you were ENCOURAGING him to work things out, I have not seen once were he stated you told him to break it off.

    3 – Yes, I do agree with the Loving and In-Love with you. But he is a “puppy”, I have found in last few months that in the last 5-6 years Dogplay/puppyplay has become it’s own little segment and gaining popularity. I have been into it since before the explosion. I have found most “puppy’s” give their hearts feely, and where it on their sleeve. Pup’s trust all to quickly usually blindly. With “puppy’s” Domme’s have to be extra careful with them due to these slight variance from boy/slave. Even with the wide range of “puppy’s” there are, each is different with different limits as with boy/slave. But most who are true “pup’s” are loyal to a fault, regardless who it is. And yes, I am a pup as well as a handler, I am rare in the fact I can switch modes and understand them. And I too, have to snap myself out of certain feelings for someone sometimes. I am not knocking you, as I respect all Domme’s and understand all can not know of every little thing in the “scene”. Even I am learning things nearly every day.

    And yes, you straight folks have it easy with 1 closet door to open. I have 3, gay, leather, and pup/handler. Each has it’s challenges. But just saying he’s making you the bad guy in all this, I think not. He is not demonizing you from what I have read or in any of our discussions. Even if it ends up down the road they do get a divorce, will you be the primary reason, NO. Will it be because you are a Domme, NO. Thing would be, he was married and went outside the marriage for intimacy. Is that your fault, NO. He is taking responsibility on that one by confessing to Jaci on what he has done. And they are working things out. You unhappy with that???

    And yes, timidboy should be renamed as timidpuppy. For he is more pup than boy.

  4. MWK April 30th, 2007 10:14 am

    Actually Jim, I am VERY happy that they are going to be able to work it out - as Chris deserves as much happiness as he’s willing to claim. Even in the “best situation” I would have been prepared to offer Chris, that as “beta boy” he still would have been just that… “Second” and a “boy” - and he deserves to be #1. In the relationship he’s fighting to hold onto, there is a chance, no matter slim or sure, that he can have it all in one person: an “in love” romantic relationship, a best friendship, and a Goddess to worship - whereas with me, he’d always be only able to go “so far” and be forced to constantly battle with his desire for romantic love and submissive servitude. He’d have to be crazy not to at least TRY it… it’s the stuff dreams are made of. And from what I know about the situation and what I continue to read… he is willing and able to do the hard work. Which is extremely commendable.

    There was a phrase or two in Chris’ original post in which he said “I blame myself for this as much as Mistress Trecia”, which is why I felt demonized and blamed for the current situation - for “blurring lines” of all things. Do I feel the lines got blurred? I suppose they did, do I feel responsible, no I don’t because I really did everything in my power to be perfectly clear about MY limits and boundaries… and which assumed boundaries of Chris’ marriage I was willing and knowingly stepping over or around.

    Does that mean I am COMPLETELY free of guilt? No, hell no. I knew this wasn’t some weekend warrior I was dealing with. I KNEW Chris NEEDED this aspect of who he is, validated and accepted. And I knew it fairly early on, and definitely by the time he was preparing to visit me. Where do I feel I “failed”? I feel my biggest mistake was when I realized how essential service is to his core being, that I didn’t insist that he was COMPLETELY honest with Jaci THEN! Not weeks and/or months down the road.

    As for the intimacy thingie, I understand that - TOTALLY! I would be fairly devastated if my husband formed an intimate emotional bond with another. Especially if/when this bond begins getting more attention, devotion, and adoration than I am getting. That being said, it will NEVER happen. (Knock on wood) At least not on this scale - because I am present in my husband’s life. I am engaged, plugged in, and involved. My hubby can BARELY spend one night on the couch in the instances of illness or argument - and there is NO way I would stay in a committed relationship with someone who appears and feels emotionally absent. There’s sure as shit no way my hubby would walk around for almost an entire month with a piece of metal through MY cock, and me not know.

    So there were obvious intimacy issues at home, something that I did address with Chris, just not as strongly as I possibly should have. And if anyone REALLY needs to hang a sign of culpability on someone/something I personally think they should start here.

    All and all, it’s been an amazing and awe inspiring journey, and one I am blessed to be able to watch even if it is from the cheap seats.

    And finally Jim, I would love to have a conversation or two with you, so if you are at all interested, please contact me at MWK@whimper4wk.com

    Much luck and success to Chris and Jaci and all their readers, may you find all you seek and enjoy the discovery.

    MWK

  5. JIM April 30th, 2007 4:40 pm

    My apologies, I must have missed that line. But, yes, I understand where you are coming from 100%.

    If you want to read / talk more, that is not a problem. I have a blog started, thanks to chris here, on my side of the tracks, on thoughts and such. He should have it linked in his Blogroll, if not http://me.wolfhawk.net

    But, yea, I can send you an email, and we can discuss, not an issue young lady.

    Hawk
    (AKA JIM)

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