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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

Archive for July, 2007

TMI Tuesday #94

From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, it’s TMI Tuesday!

1. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?

Over, you heathen! (It amuses me that people get so uptight about this one. Fortunately, this is one of the many household things MJ and I agree on…)

2. Toilet when you are done: everything up, seat down but lid up, everything down?

Everything down. That’s the "closed" position. It also keeps my one cat who is obsessed with the toilet from trying to swim…

3. When was the last time you kissed someone not your significant other? [I am talking about a kiss with some gusto not just a little hello or goodbye peck]

It’s been over 9 years, back when MJ and I were separated.

4. Would you rather have you significant other (this can be a hypothetical SO) have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]

Sex, by far. I’ve always been open in my attitudes toward sex (but remain monogamous per MJ’s wishes), so that wouldn’t bother me. The same goes for BDSM play in my mind (something MJ and I disagree on). Falling in love with someone else would be tough to deal with, however…

5. If you had $1,000,000 to give away, how would you divide it up? Who and how much?

I’d refrain from giving any to family - that would be too tough. Who to give how much? There would also be a lot of bad feelings from those that were left out. I’d probably just give the whole amount to Child’s Play.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us something that very few people know about you.

I was a professional singer when I was a kid. I sang with a nationally-known group and recorded two albums and a bunch of singles (but nothing you have ever heard - trust me). Once I finally get around to guitar lessons, I would like to hit the coffee shop circuit here in Chicago as one of those annoying singer/songwriters who make it hard to talk in coffee shops.

6 comments

Sugasm #90

Sugasm #90

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #91? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Fat can be sexy
“I understand what it’s like to be surrounded by images that reinforce that skinny is the ONLY way to achieve sexiness.”

Are Women Visual Critters, Too?
“With the invention of the internet, however, I think that it gets even more complicated.”

Marriage, Monogamy, and All that Jazz
“My chosen lifestyle and relationship type wasn’t making any sense to the other women.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
S Magazine

Editor’s Choice
Supply and Demand

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Am I Missing Anything, Really?
Catalina loves the Museu de l’ Erotica
Cheating Men
“How much confession can one read before becoming uncomfortably numb?”
I’m a Woman Man: Episode 2 - Faces
Lulu Forever
Playground positions
So many rabbits…

BDSM & Fetish
Car Wheels on a Gravel Road
Dirty words
Fetish Film - English Punishment Series (Spanking, Caning)
The Flesh Remembers
Fun with a subby boy
Luring the Guardian Angel
The Percentage Game
Sukebe Otaku: Happy Tears, Revisited
Teeth and claws and cock and cunt
Thunder: Service With A Smile
The Violent Kiss
Wake up bitch…
Worshipping post-erior - leaving my mark
You suck!

Sex News & Reviews
Lelo Nea Mini Vibrator Review
Sex In The Virtual World - Computer Games

Sex Humor
How To Get His Attention

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Amy of 24.7 in the Kitchen
Drum Solo (video)
Half-Nekkid Exhibitionist
Ivett

Sex Work
Busy Princess Play Day

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Distracted by Her shoes
Endangered
I Want
No reservations, part 1
An old friend
Pink
Sleeping Beauty…
Supply and Demand
That Kiss
Torrential
We were in heat

Amy of 24/7 courtesy of Kitchen Girls.

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Thunder: Service With A Smile

One of the seminars I attended at Thunder was author Laura Antoniou’s "Service with a Smile" which focused on being a good service sub.

Wanting to serve is a lot different (and much more of a commitment) than just being a sub.  It’s about completely giving yourself over to the wants and needs of your Top without necessarily getting anything in return.  It’s your job to relieve their burden whatever that might be:  cooking, cleaning, and all of the other less-than-glamorous stuff you can imagine.

All of my past BDSM experiences are what you would probably call "erotic servitude" with part-time Dommes.  I did some service things (for my last Domme, for instance, I did a bunch of writing and web programming), but nothing that prepared me for serving 24/7.  I like to think I was something more than the "’do me’ Internet sluts" that Gloria Brame talks about, but my past "service" was really more about my wants and my feelings rather than serving at the whim of my Dommes.

Now, I’m serving MJ in a capacity that is 98% mundane work and 2% erotic BDSM play.  Part of that shift is because of her new "delicate" condition, but it’s also because you can’t be a bound, naked slave boy all the time (as much as I’d love to try!)  Our normal married life or work is what fills the minutes of most days and my "service" is typically "bring me a Diet Coke and then cook dinner".

If you’ve been reading the blog, you know I’ve been struggling with this kind of service and have been trying to come to grips with what being a servant actually means and finding my own place within that.  I had hoped that Laura’s seminar at Thunder would help and I wasn’t disappointed.

I’m going to share some quotes from the seminar (included below in bold italics) and then provide my comments on them.



First and foremost, care about what you are doing.

This is sounds like a "duh" statement, but it’s really true.  If you don’t care about being in service, then why do it?  If you’re going to do it, then you need to completely give yourself over to the process.  Being in service means fulfilling the wishes of another and acting at their pleasure.  "You need 46 CDs burned in the next three hours?  No problem, Ma’am…"

This leads directly to the next quote:

Know what offering service does for you.  Be clear as to why you desire a service lifestyle.

Great - you’ve figured out that you want to serve, but why?  Does it make your life more meaningful?  Does it give you a sense of purpose because you’ve become an asset to someone else?  Do you just like pleasing your Top?  All of these are completely legitimate reasons for serving.

Laura told the audience to make a list of the reasons for ourselves as to why we wanted to serve.  For her, it was a feeling of being indispensable, something that came from a fantasy of being Alfred from Batman.  Whenever Master Dick needed anything, there was Alfred with it on a silver tray with a witty quip to boot.  She went on to say that many people do charity work to get a good feeling for helping others.  Service is just that but for the good of someone who you personally care greatly about.

For me, I think it’s about needing to be needed.  I like being able to make other people happy.  I get great satisfaction from being able to do for someone else and knowing that I made them happy or were able to lift their burden.  Once upon a time, a marriage counselor told me that this was being "codependent" and that you shouldn’t get your happiness from the happiness of others and what you can do for them.  I now know that is bullshit.  I’m a sub - this is part of who I am.  This is the ultimate love offering - I’m showing my love, devotion, and respect by making your life easier.

The first step is to have the right fucking attitude!

Yes, that’s exactly how she phrased it!  If you’re not happy about being in service or aren’t in that frame of mind, you will be completely miserable. 

One thing she suggested to help is to wake up and think to yourself, "I’m in service today and I’m going to do well".  She also said having a morning ritual with your Top to get you in the submissive and service mindset was good as well.  (One suggestion was kneeling to say "good morning".  A Domme MJ and I know has Her sub fetch a fresh cup of coffee every morning.)  I need to talk to MJ about this one.  I’m all about ritual and protocol and would love to have a little something every morning to get me into the proper headspace.  When I used to putter around the kitchen preparing Her breakfast every morning, I’d be smiling all the way to work filled with that warm, fuzzy feeling of servitude.

The point of service is not to drain yourself.  Martyrs are not sexy.

I tend to do this and it leads me to situations like my freak out during our pre-Thunder packing.  If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be in any shape when your Top needs you.  This goes for both your physical and mental condition. 

Laura emphasized the need to be open and honest about anything you’re struggling with that would impact your service.  Her personal example was a toothache that she suffered with for over a year.  Finally, her Top and partner had to order her to a dentist where she had 7 root canals.  The pain made her grumpy which affected her ability to happily serve which was bad for both her and her Top.

I need to get better at this and need to stop taking the "woe is me" approach to service.  While I need to place complete trust in MJ to look after my needs, it’s stupid to just assume that she knows what’s going on inside my head or body.  Laura made that point that doing this is usually a good feeling for the Top because they know they are taking care of their sub.

Take responsibility for things and ask questions.  (Not all Tops are detailed oriented.)

If your Top said, "I want a picnic lunch prepared for Sunday," what would you do?  Laura said her first question would be "Which Sunday?" followed by "How many people?  Any special dietary restrictions?" and so on. 

Just because you’re a service sub doesn’t mean you’re a mindless robot.  Laura used this as the prime example:  "I don’t know why my Top is so mad.  She asked me to clean out the garage so I did….and donated everything to Goodwill…" 

It is the sub’s responsibility to understand the things they are being asked to do and respond with questions if they don’t understand something.  That doesn’t mean that you should say "I can’t".  It’s always "I can, but…"

I need to get better at this as well.  MJ has told me that she doesn’t want me second-guessing her requests/commands, but that is a far cry from asking for clarification or pointing out that I require more time than I was originally given.  This is about making Her happy and doing things counter to the vision She has in Her head is not going to do that.

Also take responsibility for your mistakes.  Correcting you is nurturing you.

This is something I really struggle with.  Whenever MJ is unhappy or upset with something I’ve done, I immediately start to beat myself up.  I get this overwhelming feeling of dread that I’ve made her unhappy and literally freak out trying to "fix" the issue.  (In reality, I’m actually making things worse to the point where MJ hates bringing things up because She’s afraid I’ll overreact.)

This is going to sound like a cop out, but I think my severe reaction is due to the physical abuse that I suffered under my mother.  The emotions that come up when I feel that MJ is furious with me are filled with completely irrational fear.  It’s still something I fight with, but something I always still seem to succumb to.  I hate that I’m like this and have been trying to find ways to make this behavior stop.

The insight that "correcting you is nurturing you" is helping somewhat.  I also need to keep reminding myself where I am in life right now.  If MJ is really going to leave me, it’s not going to be because I folded the laundry incorrectly.

Laura said that the first response to criticism about your service needs to be "Thank you, Ma’am".  This is good advice for me and something I hope will immediately remind me of my place and that making a mistake isn’t the end of the world as long as I learn from it and take MJ’s guidance to fix things to her satisfaction.  She also said that, "Respect is part of who you are," something that need to take to heart and really remember in these situations.

Understand your Top’s needs.  Listen for what they need and want, not what you think they need and want.

I am absolutely horrible with this one.  I’m always trying to figure out what would make MJ happy and do it rather than just sit patiently and wait for her to tell me what She needs.  We actually discussed this recently with MJ going so far as to say to not worry about things unless She specifically tells me they are my responsibility.

As part of this point, Laura talked about the need to let Tops vent.  She said that when people get angry, they get angry and stupid and say things they don’t mean.  When a Top is venting or upset, it is not the sub’s problem to fix.  You just have to be there for your Top as a means of support and can’t take anything they say personally. 

That spoke greatly to me as I do tend to take things so personally when MJ gets upset.  That whole "evil mom" thing kicks in and I freak out which only serves to make Her more upset.  I just need to put my arm around her and let her unload until she feels better while letting it all go.  That won’t be an easy adjustment, but it was nice to hear that I’m not the only one who has trouble with this.



As you can probably tell, this seminar spoke directly to me and I brought a great deal away from it.  To me, this session alone made Thunder worth the price of admission and makes me feel that I can become the sub that MJ desires and can find a space where we are both completely happy with our new relationship.

5 comments

We’re Back!

At 3:30 a.m. Monday morning, the car from a local service pulled into our driveway marking the end of our 16 day vacation.  We are both exhausted, but had a fantastic time!

I’m going to post some separate articles about Thunder in the next couple of days, but here is an overview of the trip:

Departing:  I have an almost OCD-level compulsion about preparing and packing for a trip.  I’m usually planning what I’m going to bring at least a week or two in advance and start packing 2 - 3 days before I leave.  In my mind, this allows me to only bring what I really need and keeps me from forgetting anything important.  (I do most of my traveling for work or tech conferences which means I need to bring along a slew of hardware which all have their own requirements like cables, power adapters, etc.)

This time around, MJ told me I was forbidden from doing any packing for the trip prior to the day we were departing.  (Our car to the airport was due to arrive at 5 p.m., so I had about 11 hours to pack for the trip.)  Of course, just to really make it interesting, Friday morning MJ handed me a list of other things she needed me to do:  clean out the cat boxes, straighten the garage, and so on.  She also gave me an almost impossible task at 1 p.m.:  She had 46 one hour playlists She wanted me to burn to CD so we would have road trip music.

First, I got frantic.  Then, I got angry.

MJ helped a little by giving me a very specific list of what clothing I needed to bring (since at that time I still had no idea where we were going for the first week of the trip) and what toys (floggers, cuffs, etc.) She wanted me to bring along, but I was still running around like a maniac.  The CD burning was the real killer since each CD took about 5 - 7 minutes to burn.  I ended up setting up my laptop so I could burn 2 CDs at once which is the only way I was able to do it.  (The last disc ejected at 5:02 p.m. as we were loading up the car.)

In MJ’s defense, she did tell me that the CDs were a low priority and that She would live without them, but did say she had been working on the playlists for the better part of two weeks before the trip and said She would be extremely disappointed if I didn’t get them done.

I tried my best to hold my anger in, but I was almost in tears as I packed in 4 minute chunks before running back into the bedroom to kick off two more CDs burning to make sure I got them all done.  I felt completely blindsided and was freaking out that I would forget something or that I wouldn’t be able to properly fit everything that needed to be brought in our suitcases.  (We ended up bringing a huge trunk and each had a backpack and suitcase, but space was still tight and I ended up not bringing some stuff that I wanted to have with us.)

I was also freaking out because MJ didn’t want to leave any later than 5 p.m. to catch an 8:30 p.m. flight.  During rush hour, it can take about 2 hours to get to the airport and you have to check your bags 45 minutes before flight time, meaning we had 15 minutes of leeway in case something went wrong.  We ended up with 20 minutes to spare before we would have been banned from checking in, but that was just way too close for my taste.

MJ and I discussed that fiasco a little bit, but I’m still kind of stuck.  MJ has a knack for scheduling too much in a given period of time, but I am not supposed to second guess her decisions.  This leaves me in an impossible situation at times like these.  I still don’t know quite what to do about it.

Fortunately, once we got checked in and were waiting at the gate, I managed to relax and get in the right mindset for the trip.

Trip (Pre-Thunder):  The travel prior to Thunder was fantastic!  MJ did a fabulous job of planning the trip and we ended up on a wonderful road trip across the state, stopping for historic train rides and museums all across Colorado.  I really enjoyed myself and got to do a bunch of things I probably wouldn’t have even considered if I had been involved in the planning.  Two highlights were a historic narrow-gauge steam engine train ride through the mountains connecting Silverton and Durango and a visit to an arcade that had been in operation since the 1920’s (which included some of the best maintained pinball and arcade machines I’ve ever seen).

Thunder in the Mountains:  Thunder was just amazing!  The speakers were very informative (more on that during this upcoming week), the play parties were incredibly fucking HOT, and I got to meet Gloria Brame and Midori in person.  Wow!

We arrived at Thunder on Friday and it was fun watching the vanilla people check out as the freaks checked in.  (We also got to watch the same interesting ballet in reverse as we left Sunday afternoon.)  We got set up in our room and then went out to do a little shopping in Denver.  After we returned, we made our first lap through the vendor market and then went to the play party.  The dungeons were spread out over four rooms which included two pansexual spaces and separate men- and women-only rooms.

On both days the play parties were offered, we checked out the action and weren’t disappointed.  Saturday was especially hot in the main ball room where we ended up grabbing a couple of chairs and watching for almost two hours before going back to our room and playing ourselves.  (MJ was a shy about performing in front of such experienced people, but treated me to a fantastic session which started with a great flogging and ended with me cuming by her hand.)  Some of the more memorable scenes included a young woman suspended by fishhooks in her back performing all sorts of gymnastic maneuvers in the air, a buxom woman suspended upside down and tortured with canes and a violet wand, and some neat cupping and fire play.

We ran into a number of people we knew, including folks from the Chicago BDSM club we belong to as well as a handful of people that I met at the play party in Minnesota.

The seminars (our main reason for attending) were really well put together and well worth the trip just by themselves.  I attended one on "Service with a Smile" about how to be the best servant you can be (something I’m still struggling with) that really helped me in a lot of ways.  MJ attended both sessions offered by Gloria Brame (during which Dr. Brame had some very unfriendly things to say about pro Dommes - more on that in a couple of days) and a great one on cock and ball torture (something she’s already tried out with great success!)

We didn’t do much shopping at Thunder.  MJ got me a really nice new leather collar and we picked up a couple of panic snaps.  We both really want a pair of grip cuffs, but they were just too expensive for what you get ($220 for the pair).  I figure I can make my own for less than half the asking price, so I’m going to give that a shot instead.  (I’ll be sure to post instructions as soon as I work it out!)

The entire seminar was a blast to attend and we both enjoyed ourselves a great deal.  Our next outing will be to Kinky Kollege here in the Chicago area and we’re already looking forward to it!

2 comments

TMI Tuesday #93

Another week, another TMI Tuesday!

1. Leather, lace or silk?

Leather, both for looking and wearing. I love the feel of silk, but there is a whole girly headspace that goes with wearing it. (That, of course, can be interesting if so ordered by a Domme…)

2. Do you subscribe to (or regularly buy) any "dirty" magazines? Which ones?

I really hate to pay for porn, so I typically just grab what’s available for free either on the Web or Usenet. Despite that, I’ve lately been buying old magazines from eBay that feature Melanie Anton. (She’s always been my favorite BBW model and there are several of her spreads that aren’t available electronically, so I decided to try and get a complete set of everything she’s ever appeared in both print and video.)

Before the web was my personal porn pipeline, I used to buy "Plumpers & Big Women" pretty regularly.

3. Have you ever had sex in water (tub/pool/lake/ocean)?

Yes - in a bath, hot tub, and pool. I love the feeling of water-slicked skin.

4. The three words that best describe you in bed are ____, ____, and ____. Three words that best describe your most recent partner in bed are ____, ____, and ____.

Wow - this is a really hard one! For me, probably adventurous, willing, and begging. (MJ makes me ask for permission to cum, and it usually ends up as begging as I get close to the edge.) For MJ, I’d say strong, sexy, and wonderful!

5. Did you lose your virginity as an impetuous youth, "to prove that you loved" him/her, because of a romantic gesture, a newly wed or other (please describe because I can’t think of what an "other" might be)?

Romantic gesture, but also because I was a horny teenager!

Bonus (as in optional): Name three words that:
a) get you excited

boy, strip, kneel

b) make you squirm

sorry, nigger, cunt

c) make you laugh

giggle, arcade, baby

4 comments

Sugasm #89

Sugasm #89

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #90? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Burlesque
“She performs astounding acts and swirls her perfect ass in circles, like the tassles on her tits.”

Nylon Whispers
“I run my fingers along every bit of my nylon covered flesh”

No Timeless Beauty To Conform To
“While fashions themselves come and go, so do the standards of beauty rise and fall like the heaving breasts of an excited woman.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Welcome to the Redesign

Editor’s Choice
Catalina loves (sex in) Sevilla

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Half-Nekkid and Asking for It
I Feel Myself
Inspiration
Lindsay Lohan Naked Pictures On Internet?
Professional dress code
Time For Tits

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Another Ride
Dirty Lace
A gay lesson
Joining the Half-Mile-High Club San Francisco, part 9
Office Masturbation - part 4
Poker
Postage Stamp Sex
Private Show pt. 1
Rape Fantasies
Repressed
Romance
She Dancin’ with a G

Sex News
Find Your Love Match Among Hegre Art’s Models

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
BDSM Part II; etymolgy, history, psychology
Can you can can?
Commentators
Fuck Your Fucking Ethics
The Glory That Is Myra Breckinridge
I wish I’d known that…
Lip Service
Panties Tell You What I’m Wanting
“Thank You”
Things I Would Like to See in Porn
Tom made me think

Sex & Politics
No Payola

BDSM & Fetish
Featured Fetish - Urophilia (Pee, Piss, Watersports)
Happy HNT - Metal bondage fun and a naughty night with Shasta Gibson
Sick
Singing about spanking
Submissive List
Torrent

Sexy teacher with an apple courtesy of Badgirl’s Hotbox.

Comments are off for this post

Sugasm #88

Sugasm #88

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #89? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Kinky To Vanilla
“Now, each time we play with others, it’s a gift that further cements our closeness and shows us the value of our love.”

One For The Guys
“Get into the habit of building your sexual pleasure and indulging in it fully.”

When A Client Dies-Part 2
“As I drank my morning coffee I googled his name and “obit”. Up popped his obituary.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
A Porn Store Clerk Speaks

Editor’s Choice
Love at First Sight

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

BDSM & Fetish
Bombshell (The Big News)
A Cock and a Smile
Dreaming of suburban spankings
Featured Fetish - Ropes (Shibari, Bondage, Ropework)
Fooling around
The Gain, pt. 4 - The Exchange
How I Went To Prom And Soiled The Pretty Pretty Dress I Found In The 2007 ‘Cosmo Girl Prom’
Ms160 judges a Princess competition….
My (Af)fair Lady
Naughty webcam fun with Griz and good girl
The Panty Controversy
Party Girl
Power Exchange (will I or won’t I?) San Francisco, part 6
Slutty sight
Summer School
When Daddy Gets Home Tonight

Sex Work
Clients Say the Darndest Things

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Bald = hot
Kinky Vanilla
On abandon
The Origins of Monogamy and Jealous
Pretendy Sex
Seduction - from the eyes of my spouse
Three years

Sex News & Reviews
Polyamorously Perverse, Gracie’s Been Sleeping In Your Blog
Slip of a Girl Right Hand Ring Bling Contest

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
The Best A Woman Can Get
Chantelle Fontain Nude
Gemma Atkinson
Half-Nekkid and Supporting the Troops
Keana | Exhibitionist (Hegre Art)
Last night
More Lindsay Lohan Bikini Pictures
Tuesday’s Tits for the Troops
WebMistress Feature Gallery: Party Girl

Sex Advice
Closed Due To Flooding?

Erotic Writing and Experiences
After Midnight
Cyberecstasy
The Driving Urge
Fantasy Forth! “Twin Celebration”
First kiss
In which sinclair gets off
The Love of Sea Glass
Palm Springs …. Friday Finale!
Story: The Birthday Party
Test Your Strength
Watching you

Virgin Princess Award Winner courtesy of Mistress 160’s Abode.

No comments

Women In Charge

From the "Well, duh!" files comes this report from Iowa State University that finds women typically have more decision making power in the household than men.

A quote from the article:

Trained volunteers coded the videotapes using a scale that rated couples’ interactions based on words and behaviors associated with blame (blames, accuses and criticizes the partner); demand (nags, pressures for change, requests); withdrawal and avoidance (avoids discussion the problem by hesitating, changing topics, diverting attention or looking away); and discussion.

Wives were more demanding—asking for changes in the relationship or in their partner—and were more likely to get their way than the husbands. This held regardless of who had chosen the issue.

This was certainly the case with MJ and I long before we entered into our current relationship.  She always controlled the money and set the agenda of the house.  That I would rebel and resist that control was only because I was denying my true nature.

Things are getting better now, mainly because MJ now gets to call the shots on everything without an argument.  (Well, mostly.  As I mentioned in my last post, I’m still a work in progress.)

3 comments

Bombshell (The Big News)

Rather than burying the lead with a drawn out story, I’ll just cut to the chase:  MJ is pregnant.

Yeah - holy shit was my thought, too.

We’ve been trying to have kids on and off for the past 9 years and have seen three different fertility experts.  She’s been able to get pregnant in the past, but only after several rounds of potent hormone injections.  Sadly, each of those times ended in a great deal of heartache and disappointment for both of us.

A couple of weeks ago, we decided to keep an appointment with a new fertility doctor in our area since our relationship is back on the right track again.  We met with the doctor briefly to go over our history and talk about treatment options and then they drew some blood to get a baseline for MJ’s first round of drugs.

MJ called me at work the next day to tell me that they had also run a pregnancy screening as a matter of course and it was positive.

I almost dropped the phone.  As I said, the universe definitely has a wonderful sense of humor.

The doctor got a good laugh out of the situation saying we are his greatest success yet.  (All we needed was the initial consultation!)  MJ and I chalk it up to our falling back in love, the greatly reduced stress around the house, and (of course) the incredible amounts of sex we’ve been having lately.

This is by no means a done deal yet, but we’ve successfully passed the first three milestones of a viable pregnancy and things are still looking good.  (Today, they were actually able to see a heartbeat.)  I jokingly told MJ that I’d stop worrying once the kid graduated high school.

I’m blogging about this here because this is going to become a true test of our new roles.  During the next months, our D/s relationship will go from the sexy fun we’ve been having to nausea, sore breasts, and exhaustion.  I need to be able to be a true sub - serving just for the joy of serving and not expecting anything in return.  MJ is my Goddess and my charge, my sole purpose to fulfill her needs no matter what form they take.

I’m working on a longer post on this topic, but there is a huge difference between serving a part-time Domme and having a 24/7 D/s relationship.  My past experiences have all been really intense and completely focused on erotic servitude.  None of that prepared me for what it means to be someone’s full-time boy and I still find myself struggling and needing to let go of my wants and expectations and instead fully focus myself on devotion to MJ. 

This relationship is about Her and Her alone.  I need to trust that she will grant me what I want and need if I succeed in pleasing her.  Even after 16 years of marriage, I’m having to do a lot of soul searching to be able to place my entire existence in MJ’s hands.  I am frequently slipping, breaking some of what I consider to be the minor rules here and there (especially the one about not being able to spend money without permission) only realizing after the fact that each and every one of those times is a challenge to the authority that I’ve sworn to obey and blatant disrespect to the woman I’m supposed to worship.

Now, these things make me feel incredibly selfish and I am ashamed every time I even start to think about something I want or feel that I need.  I know I’ll get all this sorted out, but the adjustment has been a hard one for me to make.

Of course, I also have to wrap my head around the very real possibility that I’ll finally get to be a Dad.  I can’t begin to describe the feelings I’m going through right now which, at the very least, are an overwhelming sense that my life is finally starting to come together and that I’m finally finding some purpose.

That’s one of the things that’s making this journey so joyful and scary at the same time: you never know where it’s going to take you.

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TMI Tuesday #91

It’s TMI Tuesday!

1. Who was your childhood hero?

Thomas Edison. The guy was a complete dick (I didn’t realize that at the time), but he understood the "big picture" better than anyone. Let’s say you invent a light bulb. What then? Well - build a power plant, develop a system for running power lines to everyone’s house, set up switches and outlets in the house, and then create nice lamps for the bulbs. His invention factory is also responsible for starting both the recorded music and motion picture industry. Not too shabby…

2. Have you ever had sex with someone who has a myspace page?

No. MySpace came along long after I was spoken for. My recent straying didn’t include sex, but my previous Mistress did indeed have a MySpace page (created by me, no less).

3. What fantasies have you openly told your partner about?

Just scroll down! My single biggest fantasy (which I still haven’t fulfilled) is my milking machine fantasy. Being restrained and forced to submit to the unbending demands of a machine is something that has been rattling around in my brain since I first had sexual thoughts. Hopefully MJ will help me live this one out…

4. Have you ever said you love someone but didn’t mean it?

Yes. I used to be a serious dick once upon a time and would say anything to bed a girl I was interested in. Nowadays, I take matters of the heart way more seriously. (I have MJ to thank for that…)

5. Have you ever woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you?

Wait - why would I stay the night? (Just kidding!) I’ve never not remembered a sexual partner come the next day. Do you count moving into a Navy barracks in the middle of the night?

Bonus (as in optional): Do you remember a time when you were having sex that you smile or even laugh about now? Do tell….

A few weeks ago, I fell out of bed during a rather aggressive sexual encounter. MJ was near the edge of the bed and when I got the command to pleasure her, I wound up sliding right onto the floor.

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