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Archive for July 6th, 2007

You Take The Good, You Take The Bad

July 06th, 2007 | Category: FemDom Marriage

This week, MJ and I had a showdown about some issues that have been brewing for some time now. It’s mostly a case of growing pains as we both try to find our places in these new roles.

It seems that MJ has been really upset in the past few weeks about our situation and my attitude about certain things. She’s also been at a loss about what to do about it and afraid to approach me with Her feelings, mainly because She was sure that I would overreact and take it all too personally.

That isn’t an unfair statement - I do tend to immediately start getting angry with myself for upsetting Her which in turn actually upsets Her which then upsets me even more. It’s a horrible cycle and something I’ve been trying to overcome for some time now. It’s generally based on the feeling that I’m failing MJ and is something that is probably rooted even deeper in my psyche. (My last shrink told me that it may be emotional remnants from my mother’s abuse that cause me to flip out like this.) MJ seems to exacerbate it at times by avoiding direct conflict by going for a passive/aggressive approach instead that causes me to feel even worse.

I, on the other hand, have been upset the past few weeks because I feel like I either have no direction or have contradictory goals. MJ has been busy researching what it takes to be a Domme and hasn’t spent much time giving me things to do, so it seems that I’m in idle mode trying to come with things on my own that I think She would want. I always seem to pick things that She actually doesn’t want which upsets MJ because not only am I second-guessing my Domme but I’m doing things counter to what She wants.

The conflicting goals came about in one very tangible way last week. One day, we were driving to an appointment and I suggested a better route to get there. MJ chastised me for second-guessing Her and not trusting that She knew what she was doing. Then, a few days later, MJ was driving me to work and started taking a non-typical route. I figured She was going to get gas or something else when She realized with a shock that She was just on autopilot and taking the wrong route. MJ then asked me why I hadn’t said anything. (My response was something along the lines of "But…but…but…you said…")

Needless to say, these little things started adding up and, with MJ’s reluctance to talk to me about them, She turned to Mrs. Claudia for advice as well as Her copy of The Mistress Manual. This led to a showdown on Wednesday where MJ finally told me how upset She was and how unhappy She’s been with things lately. Granted, She said that overall she’s really happy about the positive changes in our relationship, but She didn’t think I was being a very devoted or obedient sub.

I was devastated and angry when she said this, but due to MJ’s initial discussion of my overreacting to negative comments about myself, I was able to keep my composure. This led to a really great discussion where we sorted out just about all of the things that were troubling Her.

Punishment: One thing MJ has struggled with is how to punish a sub who enjoys punishment. She feels (and rightly so) that many of the things that She’s been unhappy with could have been resolved with a painful reminder of who is actually serving whom.

We agreed that there can be such a thing as "bad punishment", so MJ is going to pick up a new impact implement which will only be used to correct my behavior. From my one punishment paddling in the past, I know MJ has the ability to make pain hurt. This satisfies MJ’s need for a deterrent while helping me stay focused only on MJ’s explicit desires.

Chores: Back when we started our new roles, I picked up the task of doing the housework as a devotion to MJ. Originally, I did so because MJ said it pleased her to have someone else take care of the house and keep it clean all the time. She doesn’t remember saying this (meaning I probably took a passing comment as gospel) and was upset that I had started down this road without her express wishes, an act of "topping from the bottom" at its most extreme.

This caused Her to get frustrated at the work I was doing, something that caused me to start to dread it because it was making Her unhappy and I didn’t know why. MJ would also try to "help" and do some work around the house which I took as a sign that She wasn’t happy with the work I was doing or that I was neglecting a responsibility.

In addition, when I was given lists of things to do, I was frequently given more than could be accomplished in a single day or even weekend which left me to prioritize the items. I always seemed to guess wrong which left things important to MJ untouched leaving her angry even though I finished most of the list (which then left me feeling unappreciated).

All in all, it was a pretty bad scene.

We’ve now reached an agreement that I will be given a very specific list of tasks once per week. The tasks will each have a deadline and I will be allowed to ask for clarification on the items. I will also be allowed to speak up if I feel I can’t meet the deadlines for any reason. Once the list has been set, I risk a punishment if items aren’t completed on time.

The nice thing is that anything not on the list isn’t my responsibility. MJ reserved the right to add quick things here and there ("Boy, carry this upstairs for me"), but when she starts to do something around the house, I don’t have to feel like She’s doing my work which takes a lot of stress out of the equation for me. She said the choice was to have me work an 8 hour day at my job, deal with the 4 hour round-trip commute, and then face all of the housework, so to share the burden and then enjoy the free time to play.

That’s why She’s the Domme and I’m just the boy.

Porn / Assignments: Another thing MJ was concerned about was the assignments she’s been giving me. I had originally suggested them in response to MJ’s expressed desire to have me do some sort of devotion but something that didn’t require a lot of time since She was busy reading all of her Domme books.

I wrote up a basic "this is what tease and denial assignments are" e-mail at her request and let the issue drop. MJ started giving me assignments, but felt that it was something I was pushing on her by my mere suggestion, even though it came with Her prompting. She also sees a very close connection between assignments and my previous Domme, something that makes Her even more uncomfortable.

She’s also upset that I’ve been looking at porn. We had discussed this awhile back and I had thought She lifted the porn ban, but it seems I was mistaken. MJ didn’t make any effort to correct my mistake even though she was angry that I was downloading stuff from the net.

So, for now, the porn ban is back in place and the "no touching" rule remains as well. I’ve also been told not to expect any assignments any time soon.

Massage: A couple of weeks ago, MJ asked me how I felt about giving massages. I told Her that I didn’t think I was very good at it and would really like to take a class so I can serve Her better in that way. MJ took that to mean that I refused to give massages until I had some sort of class.

I was floored by that statement and told Her that I would be happy to give her any massages She desired and that I never would have turned Her down. MJ agreed that she should have ordered me to give her a massage instead of dropping a hint which I missed and then getting upset that I didn’t pick up on the true intent of Her statement.

I’m guessing that massage oil will be on the packing list for our upcoming trip!

Devotions: MJ did say she understands my desire to have some sort of daily ritual. While she feels the assignments she had given me are all about me and not about Her, she said she is coming up with some ideas. For starters, I am to prepare Her bed every night, arranging Her pillow and sheet in a personal turn-down service.

Overall, we talked for about 6 hours and I feel the outcome was good for both of us. We both have so much to learn and are still trying to figure out how to fit D/s into our day to day routine.

Hopefully, getting these issues out in the open and dealing with them directly will help our communication and prevent these things from building up in secret until they reach such a critical point. D/s has brought so much joy into our lives during the past two months and we need to do everything we can to make this work for both of us.

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TMI Tuesday #90

July 06th, 2007 | Category: TMI Tuesdays

Time again for a (very belated) TMI Tuesday!

1. Describe your first kiss.

My first kiss was way back in preschool. My "girlfriend’s" name was Deanna and we got in trouble for making our during circle time. I actually remember her really well (we stayed a "thing" until her family moved away in second grade), but don’t remember that specific event. (My mother, OTOH, loves to bring it up…)

2. Should a person’s pubic hair be trimmed, shaved, or just grown out as the jungle God intended it to be?

At the very least trimmed unless you’re blessed with naturally tame pubes. Mine is shaved by order of MJ.

3. What’s the best super-hero comic book movie ever made?

"Batman Begins", hands down. Christian Bale perfectly captures Batman’s bipolar nature (suave playboy by day, vengeance-thirsty crusader by night) and the back story of Batman’s birth from pain is wonderfully told. Add the frosting of Michael Caine as Alfred the butler, Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox (the man with all those wonderful gadgets), and Gary Oldman as a young not-yet-Commissioner Gordon and it is just one treat after another.

4. Coke or Pepsi?

Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi "Carmel & Cream" Jazz. I really miss Mountain Dew, but each one of those things is practically equal to one of my meals. Now that I’m getting naked in public at The Club, MJ wants me to look my best. (I’ve actually shed about 60 pounds since the beginning of the year.)

5. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

A few times, most recently by my wife. (Of course, I can’t touch without permission any more, so there’s nothing to get caught at.)

6. Which way do you lean your head when going for a kiss?

To the right. Interesting question - it’s something so natural that you don’t even think about it. (I dress to the left - I wonder if there is a correllation there…)

7. Jockstraps, sexy or no?

They feel sexy to wear and MJ likes how I look in them, so I say "Sexy".

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever used the excuse, "Oh, I was so drunk that night, I don’t remember a THING!"

A few times, especially back in my hardcore swinger party days. The funny thing is that I didn’t really drink that much, but everyone else was indulging so heavily that I could use that excuse because no one else remembered!

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Sugasm #86

July 06th, 2007 | Category: Sugasm

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #87? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Ménage
“Sometimes, she’s even more the centre of things than he is, since she is a more recent addition to the dynamic, and since we both adore her.”

Money and Sex
“And then in walks sex, #1 potential button pusher of all times.”

Denied - 11
“There’s a click, and a lifting of restriction, and cool, soothing moistness.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
The Skeptical Pornographer: The G-Spot.

Editor’s Choice
A fitting for a marriage

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

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