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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

Bombshell (The Big News)

Rather than burying the lead with a drawn out story, I’ll just cut to the chase:  MJ is pregnant.

Yeah - holy shit was my thought, too.

We’ve been trying to have kids on and off for the past 9 years and have seen three different fertility experts.  She’s been able to get pregnant in the past, but only after several rounds of potent hormone injections.  Sadly, each of those times ended in a great deal of heartache and disappointment for both of us.

A couple of weeks ago, we decided to keep an appointment with a new fertility doctor in our area since our relationship is back on the right track again.  We met with the doctor briefly to go over our history and talk about treatment options and then they drew some blood to get a baseline for MJ’s first round of drugs.

MJ called me at work the next day to tell me that they had also run a pregnancy screening as a matter of course and it was positive.

I almost dropped the phone.  As I said, the universe definitely has a wonderful sense of humor.

The doctor got a good laugh out of the situation saying we are his greatest success yet.  (All we needed was the initial consultation!)  MJ and I chalk it up to our falling back in love, the greatly reduced stress around the house, and (of course) the incredible amounts of sex we’ve been having lately.

This is by no means a done deal yet, but we’ve successfully passed the first three milestones of a viable pregnancy and things are still looking good.  (Today, they were actually able to see a heartbeat.)  I jokingly told MJ that I’d stop worrying once the kid graduated high school.

I’m blogging about this here because this is going to become a true test of our new roles.  During the next months, our D/s relationship will go from the sexy fun we’ve been having to nausea, sore breasts, and exhaustion.  I need to be able to be a true sub - serving just for the joy of serving and not expecting anything in return.  MJ is my Goddess and my charge, my sole purpose to fulfill her needs no matter what form they take.

I’m working on a longer post on this topic, but there is a huge difference between serving a part-time Domme and having a 24/7 D/s relationship.  My past experiences have all been really intense and completely focused on erotic servitude.  None of that prepared me for what it means to be someone’s full-time boy and I still find myself struggling and needing to let go of my wants and expectations and instead fully focus myself on devotion to MJ. 

This relationship is about Her and Her alone.  I need to trust that she will grant me what I want and need if I succeed in pleasing her.  Even after 16 years of marriage, I’m having to do a lot of soul searching to be able to place my entire existence in MJ’s hands.  I am frequently slipping, breaking some of what I consider to be the minor rules here and there (especially the one about not being able to spend money without permission) only realizing after the fact that each and every one of those times is a challenge to the authority that I’ve sworn to obey and blatant disrespect to the woman I’m supposed to worship.

Now, these things make me feel incredibly selfish and I am ashamed every time I even start to think about something I want or feel that I need.  I know I’ll get all this sorted out, but the adjustment has been a hard one for me to make.

Of course, I also have to wrap my head around the very real possibility that I’ll finally get to be a Dad.  I can’t begin to describe the feelings I’m going through right now which, at the very least, are an overwhelming sense that my life is finally starting to come together and that I’m finally finding some purpose.

That’s one of the things that’s making this journey so joyful and scary at the same time: you never know where it’s going to take you.

4 Comments so far

  1. Burt Gomourto July 11th, 2007 4:38 pm

    Congratulations!

  2. Enyo July 13th, 2007 1:26 pm

    Grats on the wonderful news. The best of luck to you. I can’t imagine a time in a womans life when she needs a sub more…and the value that she will place on your role can only further serve to endear you to her. Think of it as an opportunity to grow and prove yourself, not only to MJ but to you and perhaps eventually to the little one that will enter your life.

  3. Chris July 18th, 2007 7:53 am

    Thanks for the wonderful comment (and well wishes)! I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of growing both as a person and as a sub and agree that this will be another opportunity to prove and better myself.

    I have to keep pinching myself at my good fortune of late. I am working so hard because I feel I need to earn all of this!

  4. Amy July 18th, 2007 8:31 pm

    Chris, This is wonderful, wonderful news. I agree completely with Enyo that this is a marvelous time for you to develop to your fullest potential in service to MJ. Having children was by so far the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope it will be so for you as well. I am excited to hear how you are able to grow and develop in your newly complex but so exciting life. Amy

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