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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom
Archive for July 22nd, 2008

Banished

There hasn’t been much on the site lately, primarily because things in our household ground to a halt awhile back and there hasn’t been any D/s news to report.  It seems, however, that the dearth of news is just a symptom of a serious issue.

I know something has been really bothering MJ, but she hasn’t wanted to talk about it.  This is usually means that (a) she’s mad at me for some reason and (b) it’s something so bad that she’s afraid to talk to me about it because she fears my reaction.

The stress of having something hanging between has really been getting to me.  Over the weekend, I had one of those nightmares where you’re in danger but stuck in slow motion and can’t stop what’s happening.  It was so frustrating that I woke up yelling, freaking the hell out of MJ and the cats and waking the baby.

Last night, MJ finally said that something has been bothering her for over a month and that we might get some time to talk about it on Saturday.  I tried to get her to talk to me then, but she just headed upstairs to bed without a word.

About an hour after I went to bed, MJ woke me up to tell me I was snoring and that she was going to the guest bedroom.  This normally isn’t a big deal and usually ends with me going in her stead since I know the bed in that room is bad for her back.  MJ usually makes a point of telling me it’s nothing personal and that when the allergy attack that is stuffing me up is over I’m welcome back.

This time, she said that my snoring wouldn’t have bothered her, but she’s so upset that she’s not sleeping well.

Ah - so we’re doing the passive aggressive thing now.  Great.

I slept like shit and woke up feeling like hell.  On the way to work, I managed to successfully plaster the happy-go-lucky persona on so I could go through the day without having people asking what was wrong.  I’m having an unusually hard time keeping it in place today.  (I almost burst into tears in the elevator on the way up to my floor.)

Is everyone’s life this hard?  Is everyone else putting on their own masks?  Are they hiding this kind of pain beneath their jovial co-worker exteriors?

God, I hate this.  I hate it because I feel like I don’t have any room to complain due to my past behavior.  I hate it because I now have a baby to raise and protect and feel like I can’t make decisions based on what I want any more.  I hate it because it’s probably something that we can easily solve if MJ and I had any communication skills whatsoever.  I hate it because it feels like there is no way out of this situation.

I hate it because it hurts.

Update:  MJ wanted me to make the following two notes because she felt this post was a little harsh and one-sided.  First, when she went up to bed last night, she actually got an ice cream for herself and asked if I wanted one then went upstairs.  (It wasn’t without saying a word as I stated.)  She also says that she wasn’t being passive-aggressive last night but just telling the truth: she was having a hard time sleeping because she was upset and my snoring was bothering her.

Update 2:  We had our talk and things got better.

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