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Bad Case of Real Life

Sorry for the week-long gap in posting. I got bogged down in a couple of huge work projects that even kept us from The Club this past weekend, so there actually wasn’t much to post in any case!  (I even turned down an offered assignment last night because I’ve been so exhausted and overwhelmed.  Thankfully, things are starting to get back to normal.)

Planning for the big Colorado trip is almost done and MJ assures me it is going to be awesome! (Outside of fetching some information or copying pages out of her books at her request, she has handled all the arrangements. So, other than knowing we needed unlimited miles on our rental car, I have no idea what we are going to be doing.  The secrecy has been a lot of fun and I know MJ is doing it partly just because she can.  Of course, I love it!)

The last part of the trip is our visit to Thunder in the Mountains, the awesome BDSM conference in Denver.  MJ warned me a couple of days ago that since some of the kinkiest and most skilled folks from around the country are going to be there, She may not way to play in the public dungeon.  She did say that she would more likely be wanting to take notes!  We are packing a trunk full of toys to bring with, so I know we will have a lot of fun even if it is in the privacy of our hotel room.

I got word from The Club (as the BDSM club MJ and I joined will now be known) that I am allowed to blog about personal experiences between MJ and I, but talking about anything else is still strictly forbidden.  MJ has told me to be prepared to go on Saturday, so I’m sure I’ll have plenty to tell!

That’s all for now - I’ll have more to report after the weekend!

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Wicked Saturday - Part 2

This post was going to be a detailed account of our first play session at Galleria Domain, but MJ reminded me of the lengthy non-disclosure agreement (which we both just reviewed again).  Because we agreed not to discuss the goings on within the club, I’m just going to give some general statements about our wonderful night there.

First, we really love the atmosphere and people at GD.  They are just fantastic and so friendly, especially to two nervous newcomers.  Mistress Carol, the "headmistress"-slash-manager of the club spent a great deal of time talking with us our first night and we just adore her, so our decision not to "whip and tell" is almost solely out of respect for her.

The flogging class was fantastic.  Scott Smith was extremely charismatic and funny and really connected with the audience.  During the "hands on" portion of the class, MJ got some one-on-one time with him and Her flogging skill markedly improved in just that one class.  (She’s since been practicing since, so I’m sure our next session will be especially interesting.)

Since we’re members now, we got to stay after the class once all the guests were shooed away and GD officially opened.  We joined the handful of members that stuck around in the "Fireside Lounge" to chat and meet some new people.  As previously mentioned, we were treated to a chat with Mistress Carol which was a lot of fun.  We also got a chance to watch a few other couples play which was really interesting and exciting.

After a couple of hours (and a quick run out for some dinner), MJ told me to get her toy bag and to meet her in one of the play rooms.  The session was wonderful and showed how far MJ has come in a very short time.  I spent the session cuffed and chained to a spanking bench with MJ using her new (and incredibly stingy!) new flogger on my back and ass.  Her confidence was so incredible and she showed no signs of nervousness at playing in such a public setting for the first time.  (By that time of night, the club was jumping, so there were plenty of folks watching.)  She confessed later that she was nervous, but really got into the session after it started and said that the laid-back and accepting atmosphere of the club and members really helped.

It was my first public play session and I was thrilled.  The thought of being put on display really brought out my inner exhibitionist and (combined with the pain) was a one-way ticket to the deep, gooey center of subspace.  I’m looking forward to future sessions there (we’re already planning another trip this weekend) and will discuss the blog with Mistress Carol to see if she has any issues with me writing about our own adventures.  (I’m assuming the "no tell" rule is mainly to protect other members, but we don’t want to go abuse the policy in any way without permission.)

Finally, the completely surreal day came to a close with a midnight visit to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical sing-along at the Music Box Theater.   One of the people in line with us waiting to get in referred to it as a "less slutty Rocky Horror Picture Show".  Everybody got a small bag of things like confetti poppers and a kazoo along with a reference card telling you when to do what (like yelling "Shut up, Dawn!" whenever Buffy’s sister chimed in with unhelpful advice).  MJ and I are both huge Buffy fans, so we were completely geeking out in a very good way.  The show was an absolute blast and everyone there was just having too much fun.

We finally got home at about 3 a.m. and crashed hard, sleeping until almost noon on Sunday.  All in all, it was a wonderful first night out into the local BDSM club scene and we both were just aglow with happiness and revelling in our renewed connection. 

On Sunday, we compared notes about the night and also had to remind ourselves that we’ve only been a D/s couple for 7 weeks now.   It boggles the mind that we are where we are after such a short amount of time, but to me it just shows that we connected subconsciously on this level when we first met long ago and it just took this long for us to admit our deepest desires to ourselves.  It’s the only way I can explain why this is the most "right" our relationship has felt since we first got married and the absolutely blissful state I’m in every single day now.

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Clubs and a Trip!

MJ and I have been doing a lot of thinking and we’ve decided to sign up for a trial membership at Galleria Domain.  Of the clubs we’ve seen in Chicago, that one had the best atmosphere and was owned and operated by a Domme, so it seems to be the best one for our tastes and needs educationally.  This coming Saturday, they are having a teaching session all about floggers and we are going to be in attendance.  Something tells me I’m going to have some cool marks come Sunday morning.

Also, MJ came to me this past weekend and said She wants to go to a BDSM convention.  We had been planning to get away for a week or more this year, but hadn’t yet decided where to go.  I was thrilled at the revelation and immediately jumped on the web with MJ at my shoulder to go through the list of possible destinations She had prepared. 

The one that sounds perfect for us is the Southeast Leather Fest in Atlanta.  Almost all of the sessions discuss long-term 24/7 D/s relationships and/or the service lifestyle.  Unfortunately, it is this coming weekend and we didn’t think we could pull together the money or vacation requests in such a short amount of time.

Then, we discovered the next best thing:  Denver’s Thunder in the Mountains.  It’s in mid-July which means my annual bonus will kick in just before we go meaning we’ll be able to enjoy ourselves and not have to try and attend on the cheap.  The seminars are also interesting with a lot of practical demonstrations.

The best part is the list of presenters.  Two of the people on the list are none other than Dr. Gloria Brame (author of "Different Loving", the book that helped set MJ and I down this path) and the legendary Larry Townsend (author of "Leatherman’s Handbook" which practically started the current BDSM community state).  I’ve actually been fortunate enough to have traded e-mails with Dr. Brame and would really love a chance to meet her in person, even if just to make a charity donation in exchange for an autograph.  (She will be signing body parts to raise money for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a service which includes a "pain or no pain" option.  Sounds intriguing!)

Plus, since we’re registering early enough, we were able to get a room in the hotel that is hosting the convention.  (It turns out that Thunder is taking over the entire 450 room hotel for the weekend, so we be wholly surrounded by kinky folk during the event.)  I do a lot of game and tech conventions and staying in another hotel is a huge pain, more so because we’ll be wanting to dress for the event (something that would make travel from another hotel interesting to say the least) and also have our toy bags in tow.

I am so excited about this event!  They have a massive dungeon space as part of the event and MJ and I have been discussing playing in public, especially since she will have lots of new techniques to practice!  It’s also our first venture out into the national community and we’re both hoping to make some new friends and learn more about ourselves and our relationship.

I can’t post pictures of the event (cameras are strictly forbidden), but I will be sure to post running updates while we are there.   Only 44 days and counting!

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Mass Update (again)

A lot has happened since my updates started to wane, so I’m going to give some brief highlights and then pick up today with stories of our wild holiday weekend.

Two weeks ago, MJ and I visited our first slosh, a gathering near O’Hare airport.  We had originally heard about it via their website, but decided to make the trip when we discovered that many of the West Suburban Munch folks also hung out there.

When we arrived, we were greeted by Joyful, the organizer of the West Suburban Munch who recognized us from the dinner and remembered our names.  She planted us next to another couple (whom I will call Arthur and Fenny) who are also new to the lifestyle, but in opposite roles (Arthur is the Top).  They were a lot of fun and we spent the entire night huddled in our small group talking about anything and everything.

Arthur mentioned that he was putting together a small get together for the following night, but wondered if we could host as most of the people that were going to attend were from our area.  We agreed and invited them over.

Saturday night, the "party" ended up just being me, MJ, Arthur, and Fenny discussing The Scene and playing board games.  (The others we were expecting went to a vigil for a friend, the "missing Mom" in Plainfield.)  We still had a great time despite the poor turnout and are planning to meet up again sometime in the near future.

The next week, MJ and I went the slosh again, but none of the folks whom we started to bond showed up and the group seemed especially cliquey, so we had dinner and bowed out to go see the new Pirates movie.

Saturday, we attended the LRA club open house.  Even though we loved Galleria Domain, we decided to check out LRA partly to compare but also because many of the folks we know from the slosh hang out there.  Unlike the GD tour (which was just that - look at the equipment, but leave before the members arrive), this was actually a chance to the club during a typical play night.

LRA is basically a large, single-room warehouse space filled with equipment and a couple of small seating areas.  There really wasn’t that much atmosphere compared to the vibe we got at GD.  We were impressed by the wide range of participants, both in style and skill level.  (MJ was worried about playing in a public club, thinking she would be the rank amateur amongst a bunch of skilled Tops.  Seeing folks of all skill levels eased her fears greatly.)

The equipment was well maintained and they had a good variety of different pieces, but everything was a little close together.  (In the couple of hours we were there, we noticed folks rearranging things so they could get to the equipment they wanted.)

We hung out for almost three hours before calling it a night.  On the way home, MJ and I discussed our options on the way home and we’ve decided to get a trial membership to Galleria Domain, preferably to coincide with their planned members-only flogging workshop.  Although we have relationships with the LRA folks, we both really liked the atmosphere and more "upscale" feeling of GD as well as their monthly educational programs.

MJ is also planning to approach the GD folks about using their space to do erotic photography, a new side venture of hers to get back behind the lens and to bump up our toy budget!  The brick / wood floor / tapestry look of the place would be a beautiful backdrop for custom D/s photo sessions.  We haven’t found anyone doing "D/s portraiture" in the local scene and MJ’s style is perfect for that type of work.  I’ll post some samples once she finds her first models.

This brings us up to the Memorial Day weekend and our trip to IML, but that deserves its own post.

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Mass Update

This weekend was incredibly busy, so I’m going to pack a few days worth of updates into a single post.

Thursday

Thursday morning, traffic was a bear and I was at risk of being late for an important meeting at work.  (We’re moving into a new building and I was supposed to be on a group tour of the new space, an event where my absence would be noticed.)  The thought of missing the tour and the frustration over the stopped traffic made me start to fume.

Normally, I have to bottle that feeling up because my wife Jacqueline has a low tolerance for me being irate behind the wheel.  Today, something odd happened.  As I was "hrumfing" under my breath, Jacqueline reached over and pinched the inside of my right arm, first just firmly but then increasing the pressure until it began to hurt.

I looked at her and she had transformed into Miss Jacqueline.  The pain and look in her eye immediately shoved me into submissive mode and I was shocked when all the frustration and anger faded away, replaced by a peaceful calm and a tiny bit of subspace rush.

When the moment had passed, Jaci just released my arm, chuckled to herself, and went back to her book.  I was actually speechless, partly because of my reaction to what had just happened but also because Jaci channeled her Domme into confronting a situation that probably would have led to a fight a couple of months ago.  I was thrilled and humbled at the same time, awed at the speed at which my wife is becoming a full-fledged lifestyle Domme in her own right.

Friday

After work Friday, Jacqueline and I met with my friend Hawk.  It was the first time he had seen her in several years and the first get together since Jaci and I started down our current path into a FemDom marriage.  We finished eating dinner around 9 p.m. and, looking for a quiet and private place to talk, went back to the office where I work and went into a conference room.

The three of us talked until almost 1 a.m.  Well, I mostly listened as Jacqueline filled Hawk in on the issues we had been facing (including my betrayal at having gone to a pro Domme to fulfill my needs instead of coming to her and what that meant to her).  Jacqueline really opened up and poured out a lot of the anger and frustration she had at me and also at her struggle with taking on this new role so soon after being hit with the news of my indiscretion.

Her words were difficult for me to hear, but I don’t think she would have said them without a facilitator present.  Hawk also gave us a lot of advice from his own experiences of being kinky in a vanilla relationship and his moving from that into his current embrace of D/s.

Jacqueline and I continued the talk on the way home and both feel that the discussion and advice were a huge help.

When we got home, we popped in Exit to Eden on DVD.  We both had some fond memories of the film from when it first came out and we tracked down a copy for our video collection.  (It’s out of print, so we had to use the Amazon Marketplace.)  Given my original thoughts about the movie, I was shocked at how disrespectful it was to the D/s lifestyle and the Domme/sub dynamic.  I know my attitudes, knowledge, and feelings about BDSM and the scene have changed greatly, but this really showed me how much more I understand D/s and also how important it has become to me.

Of course, now I need to track down the book to see if this was all the filmmaker’s doings or if there was some of this dynamic in the original.  Given Anne Rice’s other landmark kinky works (including "Beauty’s Release"), I can’t imagine that is the case.

Saturday

The day we’ve been looking forward to all week finally arrived - new member’s night at Galleria Domain.

I can’t give too many details as the first thing we had to do when we arrived was sign a bunch of paperwork including a non-disclosure agreement.  I will say this, though - the club is absolutely gorgeous.  It’s an old Chicago warehouse loft space with high ceilings and wood floors and each room is packed with an amazing array of BDSM equipment.  The people we met were also incredibly friendly and we were given a wonderful guided tour of each room and "play station".  We were also pleased at the variety of folks there, people of a wide range of ages and sizes, something that made us both feel completely comfortable.

After some mingle and talk time, we were treated to a lecture by Master Taino, one of the founders of the Master/slave Conference and runs Master Taino’s Training Academy, a group that provides seminars to Tops and bottoms.  The topic of the talk was "Dominant, but Caring" and his philosophy on being not just a Dom(me) but also a mentor and guardian, especially in a 24/7 lifestyle arrangement. 

One of the things he covered was the difference between those that are kinky and enjoy BDSM and those that get The Calling to becoming something more.  His words really resonated with me and once again confirmed for me how much my submissiveness is part of my core being.

On the way home from our visit, Jacqueline and I had a discussion about the club and if she felt up to performing in public.  She said she definitely wants to eventually and, in the meantime, would love to watch others at play (something the voyeur in me would also love).  She also agreed that we could probably meet some great mentors and learn quite a bit from the regulars.

LRA (Chicago’s other big BDSM club) is having an open house over Memorial Day weekend, so we’re going to check them out before we actually sign up as we both think that one club membership is more than enough for the time being.

Sunday

Sunday, Miss Jacqueline told me that I had earned an assignment.  She was impressed at my lack of pressure toward joining a club and how much I was putting the final say in these matters in her hands.  It is a departure for me from our previous roles, especially when I wanted something badly.  (In the past, I would go to great lengths for something I wanted, including driving to Minnesota to serve a pro Domme in person behind my Wife’s back.)

Therefore, she allowed me to stroke until I edged three times with no time limit.  She even allowed me to use her computer (the only one in the house with a nice, big monitor and comfy chair).

I grabbed the lube and set up shop in Miss Jacqueline’s study, being sure to place a towel on the chair to prevent any stains.  I was rock hard almost instantly and got completely lost in the sensations of my hand gliding along my cock and my piercing providing me the wonderful urethral stimulation I love so much.  I willed myself to go slow at first and managed to stretch my first edge out to almost 10 minutes. 

Unfortunately, the next two came really quickly given my aroused and denied state.  After the third pending orgasm passed, I closed the movie I was watching on the screen and picked up after myself.  When I returned to the bedroom, Miss Jacqueline asked "Done so soon?" and then teased me for my inability to savor the wonderful gift I had been given.  She then reminded me that this could be a regular thing if I behave myself and keep serving her as well as I have been.

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Getting Out

Last night, Jacqueline and I took a big step and ventured out to our first munch.  This one was the "West Suburban Munch" and was mostly people that lived in our neck of the woods outside of Chicago.

Being a Wednesday night, the restaurant wasn’t all that crowded and the munch was the only large group in the place.  We grabbed a couple of vacant seats at the table and introduced ourselves to those around us.

There was some awkward shyness at first, but we started chatting with the folks around us.  We had the good fortune to be seated across from the most dynamic and friendly person at the table and had a great time chatting.  She was a sub that lived in the town next to where we live, so we had a lot to chat about.

We were eventually asked the "do you come here often" question and we admitted that this was our first community appearance ever.  Our new friend lit up and started filling us in on all the groups in the area and the clubs.  We told her that we had an invitation to the new members’ night at Galleria Domain on Saturday and she said that we would have a great time and told us some stories of her time there.

Most of the people we were chatting with frequently attended the "O’Hare Slosh" and were members of the LRA club, so we made a note to check them out.  (The "slosh" is the bar version of a munch, this one meets Fridays at a hotel near the airport.)

Overall, the folks went out of their way to put us at ease and welcome us into the group.  I really enjoyed myself and am looking forward to seeing these folks again.  In the car going home, Jacqueline said she also had a good time and was looking forward to other events.  She also echoed my good feelings about our friendly table mate and said that she wanted to attend the other events she had mentioned.

This weekend is a huge step forward for us as we enter an actual BDSM club.  We’re both not sure what to expect, but the comments from the folks at the munch did a lot to ease our fears.  Also, the new members’ night is strictly to meet people and see the club.  There is no play allowed until you join in advance.  (The guests are asked to leave just before the club opens for the night.)

I know that Jacqueline is a little scared about going out into public "in role", so I’m hoping that the intermediate step of just going to check the club out and attend their offered educational session will be a good bridge to some actual clubbing.  Since I am somewhat on the shy side around new people and not completely comfortable with my current naked body, I would love to be put on display at a club.  The push past my comfort zone is a one-way ticket to subspace and the "being forced" part of the dynamic makes me feel less self-conscious and enjoy the attention. 

Taking part in a public scene like that has always been a huge fantasy of mine and I would really love to finally be able to fulfill it.  Of course, in this case, Jacqueline’s comfort zone must be in a place so she feels comfortable showing me off and trying to force that would just sully the experience for both of us.

Until then, we can enjoy the atmosphere, meet new people, and pick up all the knowledge we can.

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Site Change & Chilling

Yesterday, Mistress Trecia expressed concern that my blog which, while originally an "instrument of devotion" to her, was "degrading into ’sour grapes’".  I disagree with her in that regard, but she’s correct in that I created this for her and it has lately become a platform for me to discuss my marriage and Jacqueline’s emerging Domme.

Therefore, "confessions of a timid boy" has officially become "sub-burbs".  I’m happy with the site’s theme, but I will be tweaking the features over the next couple of days.  I’m also not set on the default size of the text.

The new URL of the site is http://www.sub-burbs.com, but I will keep timidboy.com active and pointed to the blog so that existing incoming links keep working.  If you have me on your blogroll, I would really appreciate it if you would update the link.  (I’ll be contacting those that I know about via "talkback" personally.)

Also, I’m no longer going to refer to myself as "timidboy".  My name is Chris, and I’m a submissive.  Welcome to my site!



Today, I’m just chilling at home taking a "veg" day.  After this emotionally charged week, Jacqueline and I agreed that we needed a day to just hang out, play games, and just have fun.

We did have one brief discussion today, however.  Jacqueline confessed that she is feeling like less of a Domme since I haven’t been doting on her for the past two days.  After our agreement that we needed to slow down and not start with a 24/7 FemDom marriage, I did as we agreed and stopped worshiping Jaci as much as I was.  I am still helping out around the house, just not trying to do everything as a devotional.

Since we’re both pretty burnt, we decided to table the discussion on this until tomorrow.

Jacqueline is nearly done with the book "Different Loving" and has started putting together an Amazon wishlist of other books she is interested in.  (I noticed one guide to cock and ball torture on the list which excites and worries me at the same time.) 

Tomorrow, we’re planning to stop by Native Rituals, a piercing and tattoo shop in Oak Forrest so she can pick out a new ring for my piercing.  We also discussed getting my nipples pierced some time in the future.  Her main issue with getting them done is, basically, "What would the neighbors think?" should I ever take our nephews or (someday) kids to the neighborhood pool.  I told her that once they heal enough, I could take them out for a couple of hours without any issues and she agreed that would be a suitable compromise.  She did warn me not to pester her about it and said that she would save that for a very special treat.

This weekend is our first munch and we’re both nervous and excited and hoping we meet a bunch a new potential friends.  We also got confirmation that we’re on the list for Galleria Domain’s new members night in two weeks which should also be a lot of fun.

I’m going to stop writing now and get back to my big task for the day - advancing through Expert level on Guitar Hero II.

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Right Round, Baby

Before I launch into today’s update, there’s a little piece of business I need to address.  I realized a couple of days ago that I’ve never referred to my wife by name (or even pseudonym) on this site.  Since it is getting increasingly awkward due to her central place in this saga, I need to fix that.  So, meet my wife Jacqueline or Jaci.  I will also be creating a "Cast of Characters" page today or tomorrow so that new readers can keep everyone straight.

Yesterday at work, I spent a good portion of the day e-mailing back and forth with my friend Jim.  (He is the friend I "came out" to recently and also left this great comment a couple of days ago.)  He has been cautioning me that, while my wife’s intentions may be pure, it’s just not possible to turn Domme overnight.  He also warned that you can’t decide to be that way - it has to be within you to begin with.

Since Jim and his husband parted ways recently over D/s (Jim needed it and his husband was too vanilla), I place a great deal of stock in his advice.  Since Thursday’s talk with my wife ended on such a hopeless note, much of our discussion was over whether you can find the deep emotional connection to D/s that Jacqueline seems to lack.  We both agreed that it didn’t seem likely and that if one member of couple had it and the other didn’t, neither would really be getting what they want out of the relationship.

I left for home that night with the intention of telling my wife I wanted a divorce.

When I got home, Jacqueline was there.  Her plans to spend time at her sister-in-law’s house had derailed and she ended up just staying home.  I mentioned that Jim and I had discussed a great deal that day and gave her the summary of what we talked about.  I also said that I thought we were too far apart to ever find our way back to the middle again.

Rather than the screaming match I expected, we starting having a really open and fantastic talk and made a few huge revelations about ourselves and our marriage.

First, Jacqueline said that she has actually been suppressing her own D/s desires.  When she was 14, she met Jason in High School and immediately had a connection to him.  She had extremely low self-esteem and this handsome, confident guy became a source of fascination and attraction.  Although he mostly refused to acknowledge their relationship in public, the two of them met daily in his bedroom, something that led to talk of sex and spanking, a specific passion of his. 

As time went on, Jacqueline fell deeper and deeper under his spell and eventually became his sub.  While the roles were never formalized, she describes reaching what we both agree was subspace and the emotional connection she had with their time together.  On more than one occasion, she said the pain of the impact play (which eventually grew from spanking into paddling, whipping, and caning) would force this cathartic release and leave her first sobbing and then completely floating free of thought.

However, Jason’s constant emotional abuse (making her feel "less than" and never wanting anyone to know about their secret time together) started causing some deep scars.  When their sessions ended after her and I started to date in college, Jacqueline’s guilt over her willingness to do anything to be close to Jason (and the degradation she felt about the spanking after their sessions) forced her to bury the positive feelings she had experienced.

The two of them remained friends, but Jason’s emotional abuse continued.  It wasn’t until almost 10 years later, after Jaci and I got back together, that they had a final falling out that would cause them to stop speaking.  Jacqueline was growing stronger as a person and was standing up for herself, something that caused Jason to immediately reject her in favor of the other footstep-worshiping people he typically surrounded himself with.  Jaci was understandably devastated and, lumping her D/s experience in with all the other negative aspects of their relationship, buried everything.

Unfortunately, this meant that when I first had my inklings that D/s was the centerpiece and key to my own emotional turmoil, she had become aggressively vanilla.  This, in turn, forced me to look elsewhere and not explore what turned out to be the source of my pain and longing.

If that isn’t an emotional connection to D/s, I don’t know what is. 

Next, we discussed my recent revelations.  Jacqueline agreed that she had been expecting me to navigate a catch-22.  She said I should have come to her as soon as I realized that D/s was this all-consuming thing for me before I "stepped out" with Mistress Trecia, but I didn’t understand that D/s was this all-consuming thing for me until  I became fully dedicated and devoted to Mistress Trecia.

During our talk, I realized much of my desire to bolt immediately from the marriage is because, now that I know the source of this pain and emptiness that I’ve felt so long, I want to run out and do as much as I can to fill it right away.  Jacqueline said it was like parking a starving man at a buffet.  I know she can’t give me what I want immediately, so I want to run away and get it from where ever I can.

It is exactly this type of behavior that caused me to make such bad decisions with the Dommes I new in San Diego.  I would trust anyone  who could scratch my itch without regard to their experience or my own safety.

Seeing that, I realized that I probably should slow down and not immediately try to immerse myself into a 24/7 sub relationship.  Between my first fantasies at age 8 and this new discovery at age 37, I think a step back and a few months to reflect and learn aren’t a huge sacrifice and will actually be a good thing.

This led us to a talk about our own expectations as a couple.  Asking Jacqueline to go from complete novice to lifestyle Domme overnight was incredibly unfair of me.  It’s no wonder I wasn’t feeling the connection - I put so much pressure on the relationship and impossible requirements on Jaci.  Our new plan is to step back in our D/s relationship and to not try to sustain a 24/7 lifestyle.  We are going to schedule sessions several times a week during which we will experiment and "play", something that will give Jacqueline time to plan new sessions and analyze her own feelings.

We also took some time last night and started the process of reaching out to local D/s groups and the Chicago community.  We requested an invite to the Leather SINS bi-monthly dinner, planned to attend the Midway Munch next weekend, and also an requested an invite to Galleria Domain’s next new member’s night.  (Galleria Domain is a play club that also hosts frequent educational sessions.  It’s member’s only, but they invite prospective members in once per month to meet the regulars and get a feel for the place.)

We also talked about the brutal fact that we are not in a financial position to split at the moment even if we both wanted to. We’ve mortgaged our house to the breaking point in order to complete the first phase of our insane remodelling project.  To make the house saleable at all requires us complete our plan to finish this first phase and refinance to roll all the costs to date back into the mortgage.  (The house value should climb high enough with our improvements to more than cover what we’ve spent.)

The process has taken 6 years of hard work, but we are actually within 3 -6 months of completion.  Faced with that reality, we both agreed that there was no sense in trying to break up until the house is done.  Therefore, we’re going to dedicate ourselves to explore and learn as much as we can about D/s and our places in it during that time and reevaluate once we’re solvent again.

Finally, I had a realization last night about my time with Mistress Trecia.  While I know I crossed a line by violating Jacqueline’s trust, I also believe that Mistress Trecia and I crossed a line as well.  When my relationship with Mistress Natalie drifted from D/s into romantic and sexual territories, it nearly consumed me.  Despite many talks on the topic with Mistress Trecia and an agreement that the sub should give their heart to the Domme, I think I let myself fall too far.  I blame myself and my inexperience for this and am ashamed at myself for getting in over my head again.

I know this was probably my "starving man at a buffet" reaction, wanting to submerse myself (no pun intended) as wholly and completely as possible into the role.    It still wouldn’t have been healthy in the long term and has made me realize that my inexperience and soul-crushing need for D/s are at odds with each other, which is just yet another reason to take a step back and learn more about this and myself before moving forward again.

We finally called it a night at 2 a.m., embracing warmly and kissing good night, both of us looking forward to the exploration ahead.

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