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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

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The End?

You may have noticed that things here have kind of ground to a halt.

My relationship with MJ has stalled to the point where we keep saying we should have some intimate time, but never do.  Our D/s talk that was supposed to resolve everything never materialized.

The major thing that made me stop writing is a talk I had with MJ after my last couple of posts.  She doesn’t like the things I’ve been posting here and feels that they are very one-sided and don’t portray her in the best light.

Because of all these things, I’ve decided to suspend the site for the time being until there is something to write about.

I’m really, really hoping this isn’t "goodbye" but rather "see you soon".  I am so proud of the work I’ve done here both as a writer and in trying to make sense of my feelings and I want to keep it going.  It’s just really tough with nothing to write about and everything in limbo.

Just in case some of you move on during my time away from the blog, I just wanted to say thank you for all your support.  The thousands of people who came by to read about my trials over the past 18 months gave me the feeling that I really wasn’t alone through all this and really helped me through the worst of the times.  To everyone who sent in comments, questions, and well-wishes, I send an extra round of thanks as your kind words and encouragement helped me see that my situation was never nearly as hopeless as it felt.

I’m not sure what the future will hold in either the short or long term, but I guess that’s just part of the grand adventure.

See you soon…

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It’s a Brand New Day

Things are better now.

MJ and I had the first part of our talk last night.  MJ started by saying that things weren’t as dire as she made them sound Monday and that she was having a bad day and it amplified what she was actually feeling.

She also started listing off the things that were causing her to be upset in the first place.  The biggest thing was that she didn’t trust that I really wanted to be a service sub because she doesn’t see me take the initiative to do things for her.  She said that if I were the type of person who doted on her every second that it would make more sense, but that she feared that I would become resentful if she just started making me do things that I didn’t want to do.

My first response was to remind MJ that she explicitly told me that she didn’t want me taking the initiative and preferred to give me specific assignments.  I also pointed out that I do frequently volunteer to help out but that she usually tells me that she doesn’t need my help.

MJ sheepishly admitted that she realizes that she put me in an impossible situation.  Her want to control things (including what I do around the house and how the tasks are done) conflicted with her desire for me to do stuff without being told.

Finally, MJ said that she was getting the feeling like I was stalling our talk.  While I did ask for more time initially, I was not bringing it up in the past couple of weeks because I didn’t want MJ to feel like I was pushing her or rushing the situation.  She agreed that it made sense and that it was just a misfired communication on both our parts.

After that was cleared up, we talked about my desire to be a service sub and what that would mean.  I told her that I’m most happy when I’m doing stuff for her and when I see she is pleased with my work.  I need to be needed and when I am, I feel most fulfilled.

By the time we hashed out all of this, it was getting late so we decided to table the rest of the talk for this weekend.  MJ has a list of devotions and chores that she wants me to take on, my first step to once again becoming a 24/7 sub.  As a last gesture, MJ invited me back into her bed.

Today, I’m feeling better about our relationship and am kinda shocked that I hit such a low point yesterday.  I was really feeling betrayed and deeply hurt which in turn made me feel hopeless, partly because I was afraid that a Femdom marriage was just some crazy pipe dream which could never become a reality. 

Fortunately, I was wrong and things look like they are going to be okay.  I need to get better about confronting MJ when I am feeling this way because all of this could have been solved with a short conversation rather than blowing up into the situation that occurred. 

I thankfully have a fantastic and loving wife who deep down understands my needs and is trying to help me fulfill them.

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Banished

There hasn’t been much on the site lately, primarily because things in our household ground to a halt awhile back and there hasn’t been any D/s news to report.  It seems, however, that the dearth of news is just a symptom of a serious issue.

I know something has been really bothering MJ, but she hasn’t wanted to talk about it.  This is usually means that (a) she’s mad at me for some reason and (b) it’s something so bad that she’s afraid to talk to me about it because she fears my reaction.

The stress of having something hanging between has really been getting to me.  Over the weekend, I had one of those nightmares where you’re in danger but stuck in slow motion and can’t stop what’s happening.  It was so frustrating that I woke up yelling, freaking the hell out of MJ and the cats and waking the baby.

Last night, MJ finally said that something has been bothering her for over a month and that we might get some time to talk about it on Saturday.  I tried to get her to talk to me then, but she just headed upstairs to bed without a word.

About an hour after I went to bed, MJ woke me up to tell me I was snoring and that she was going to the guest bedroom.  This normally isn’t a big deal and usually ends with me going in her stead since I know the bed in that room is bad for her back.  MJ usually makes a point of telling me it’s nothing personal and that when the allergy attack that is stuffing me up is over I’m welcome back.

This time, she said that my snoring wouldn’t have bothered her, but she’s so upset that she’s not sleeping well.

Ah - so we’re doing the passive aggressive thing now.  Great.

I slept like shit and woke up feeling like hell.  On the way to work, I managed to successfully plaster the happy-go-lucky persona on so I could go through the day without having people asking what was wrong.  I’m having an unusually hard time keeping it in place today.  (I almost burst into tears in the elevator on the way up to my floor.)

Is everyone’s life this hard?  Is everyone else putting on their own masks?  Are they hiding this kind of pain beneath their jovial co-worker exteriors?

God, I hate this.  I hate it because I feel like I don’t have any room to complain due to my past behavior.  I hate it because I now have a baby to raise and protect and feel like I can’t make decisions based on what I want any more.  I hate it because it’s probably something that we can easily solve if MJ and I had any communication skills whatsoever.  I hate it because it feels like there is no way out of this situation.

I hate it because it hurts.

Update:  MJ wanted me to make the following two notes because she felt this post was a little harsh and one-sided.  First, when she went up to bed last night, she actually got an ice cream for herself and asked if I wanted one then went upstairs.  (It wasn’t without saying a word as I stated.)  She also says that she wasn’t being passive-aggressive last night but just telling the truth: she was having a hard time sleeping because she was upset and my snoring was bothering her.

Update 2:  We had our talk and things got better.

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Updates and Site News

Site Move Update:  The site has been kinda quiet during the last couple of weeks.  I was waiting until the server move to make a post, but it seems that it is a bigger deal than originally anticipated.  (Making my sub-domain my new primary address revealed a bug in the domain management software my service provider uses.  They have updated the software this past weekend, so hopefully I’ll be able to finish the move soon!)

D/s Marriage:  MJ is moving us more and more toward a full-time D/s relationship, one that we are both determined to handle correctly this time.  She finished Ms. Rika’s book and fortunately had the same reaction to it that I did, namely the section that lists all of the wrong ways to have a FemDom marriage.  (We were both amazed to see a pretty accurate description of our struggles last year in more than one of the examples.)

MJ asked me to prepare a list of devotions that I feel would be appropriate to both help Her and show my devotion as Her sub.  Sometime during the next week, we are planning to have another in-depth discussion so I can present my list and also see the list MJ has been working on.

Collar:  MJ also made a cryptic reference to my collar and asked me to make a few modifications to it.  First, I wanted to make it a solid piece of wire rope instead of using a collar extender in the back.  I also wanted to try and find a lock that doesn’t look like a lock.  (I work in a pretty conservative corporate environment and I got a few odd looks last year when people noticed how my "necklace" fastened.)

A couple of weeks ago, I found a Chinese jewelry box lock on eBay that is absolutely perfect!  It locks securely with a specially-shaped key, but doesn’t look like a lock at all.  We also hit Ace Hardware this weekend and picked up a length of 1/16" wire rope and a couple of crimp connectors so I can rethread the entire thing as a single piece.  I’ll post pictures of the collar and lock once I finish the work.

Baby & Getting Out:  Our baby just turned four months old and MJ and I have been trying to figure out how to get out of the house to go to the BDSM club we belong to downtown.  The old "dinner and a movie" excuse doesn’t really work because the club doesn’t open until 10 p.m., so trying to get one of our family members to babysit would invite questions that we don’t want to answer.  Fortunately, the college-age daughter of someone MJ knows is looking for some babysitting work as well as photography tutoring (and might even be willing to trade one for the other).  Hopefully this will pan out and we can get back into Chicago’s BDSM social scene!

Until Next Time / Coming Soon:  That’s all the news for now.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to get the blog moved to its new home sometime later this week.  I also want to start to post some BDSM fantasy pieces I’ve been writing in a new "Fantasy Fridays" segment.  If things keep moving as they are, I should have a lot more D/s news to report on a regular basis as well.  (Hurray!)

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Another Interesting Morning

This past Saturday, our daughter was taking her typical morning nap and MJ invited me upstairs for some naked time.

Since it usually takes her a little while to switch from Mommy mode to Sexual Goddess, we snuggled together under the covers and talked.  MJ eventually steered the conversation around to the topic of BDSM and asked me to describe my favorite punishment implements.  (My all-time favorite is her red buffalo-hide flogger, but I spent time describing my feelings on just about every tool in the toy cabinet.)

As I spoke, MJ guided my hand down between her legs and I started slowly fingering her.  It didn’t take long before we were both pretty worked up.

MJ then asked me to go into more detail about her riding crop.  What did I like about it?  (Looks very commanding, gives focused swat to specific area.)  What did the sensation feel like?  (Depends, but usually a deep sting.)  Where did I like and not like to be swatted with it?  (Like just about everywhere except my face and neck.)

Then, MJ said something unexpected:  "Get up and go get my riding crop."

While MJ and I have discussed BDSM and what it will take to slowly add it back to our marriage, MJ made it clear that I was not to expect any scenes or play time until she fully felt ready to step back into her role as Mistress.  Therefore, this ordered trip to the toy cabinet was a complete surprise.

When I returned with crop in hand, MJ ordered me up onto the bed on all fours.  She let me soak in the anticipation for a minute, me with my ass in the air savoring every moment of the experience and wondering how far she was going to go with this wonderful gift.  The next words She spoke set my body on fire:

"Stroke for me, boy."

Phew!  I reached back and grabbed my cock and started stroking myself while She began swatting my ass with the tip of her crop.  Between rounds of abuse, MJ would reach between my legs and give my balls a solid squeeze or grab a handful of my hair and pull my head back.

At one point, I tried to shift my weight a little bit to get into a better position.  MJ chastised me with the help of the crop:  "Did I say *SWAT* that you *SWAT* could move? *SWAT*"

It didn’t take long before I was in a complete emotional overload.  MJ finally stopped and laid next to me on the bed saying She was ready for the services of Her cock.

I moved over to MJ and got ready to do as She asked, but I suddenly realized that my body didn’t want to cooperate.  I don’t know if it was the overwhelming emotions or something else, but my cock decided that it didn’t want to stay hard.

Shit.

Since I was in full sexual servitude mode, satisfying my own growing lust didn’t even occur to me.  (Well, okay - that’s a little bit of a stretch.  I was acutely aware of my own desire which I knew would go unfulfilled.  However, my first thought was not focused on myself but instead on how to satisfy MJ.)  I immediately asked MJ if I could pleasure her orally instead and She agreed.

I scooted down on the bed and buried my face between Her legs, lapping gently at Mistress’s sacred spot.  MJ started tracing circles on my back with Her riding crop and giving me an occasional playful tap on the head to adjust my pace.  She also started a running monologue that sent me through the roof:  "It’s a good thing you’re good with your tongue, boy, since that cock doesn’t seem to be working.  Maybe I’ve been too generous letting you cum whenever you want.  That’s my cock and I expect it to work when I want it!"

As Mistress approached orgasm, She grabbed my hair and shouted "faster, faster!" as She rode my face to Her blissful conclusion.

After we wound down a little bit, MJ and I discussed what had just happened.  I was feeling overjoyed at the scene itself, but guilty for not being able to perform on cue.  MJ told me that she was perfectly satisfied and said she was okay as long as I was the one who had to suffer!

I got one last little D/s tease later that day.  On our way out of town for the day, we stopped at a local pharmacy to pick up a few things and MJ ordered me to pick out some nail polish for her.  We had recently discussed manicures and pedicures as part of my household service routine, so I was thrilled to see MJ actively working toward making that a reality.

I just can’t begin to explain how happy I am, getting to serve at the feet of a beautiful, sexual Goddess and also getting to experience the joys of being a Dad and a member of this incredible family.

It still amazes me how far our relationship has come in a single year!

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Little Touches

Even though MJ and I have been reconnecting sexually, we still haven’t done any D/s scene play since just after we learned she was pregnant last year.

I’m not pushing MJ in any way and am being as completely low key as I can be.  I know she is slowly getting back into her Domme headspace and is also trying to figure out what type of D/s relationship she would be comfortable with, so the extra baggage of me hounding her for answers about where we stand as Mistress and sub would just make things harder for her (as well as being completely disrespectful). 

However, MJ has been doing little things that have been driving me wild and sending the subby part of my brain into a spin.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the floor playing with our daughter.  MJ came up behind me and started stroking my hair in the way that makes me completely melt.  It’s part puppy petting and part "there, there little boy" and just causes me to immediately feel that I’m totally under her power, both emotionally and physically.  The little chuckle I heard as I sighed deeply and laid my head against her thigh told me that this was a completely intentional gesture on her part.

Last week, I was stressing out because the baby was screaming up a storm and was standing in place in the family room bouncing up and down to try and comfort her.  Once she quieted down, I kept up my bouncing and cooing figuring that was the only thing settling her down.  MJ came up behind me, rubbed my shoulders for a moment, then slid one of her hands up, delicately following the curve of my neck and head and then gently but firmly grabbed a handful of my hair.  Completely against my will, I let out a little moan of joy.

I can’t tell you how much I love that MJ has this power over me.  She knows me so well that she can just do these tiny little gestures and push me into complete submissiveness.

While I long for the day when I can once again kneel naked at her feet or feel the impact of her favorite buffalo-hide flogger, these little things are just enough of a tease to let me know that MJ still gets me, still wants me as her sub, and still understands me better than anyone in the world.

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Weighty Matters

A couple of weeks ago, MJ put me back on my diet and exercise program.  My weigh in on Sunday showed I lost 5 pounds during my first week!  If I keep up at this rate, I’ll be down to my target weight by the end of year.

I posted before about the fact that I’m really comfortable at my current size (which, as of Sunday, was 308 pounds) and don’t have any negative feelings about how I look.

With that said, I’ve been coming up with reasons why I should lose the weight and get fit.  It helps me to have positive things I can focus on when I’m doing something that really tests my will (like working across the street from Potbelly’s and Chipotle, for instance). 

Here’s what I have thus far:

SelfPortrait1990 MJ:  The picture to the right is how I looked when MJ met me.  This was taken 18 years ago shortly after I got out of boot camp.  (The Navy should know better than to leave horny, kinky guys alone in a photo lab full of portrait studio equipment!)  Although MJ is far too classy to ever say it, she has hinted that she would love for me to be physically sexy again.  If I really am dedicated to serving my Mistress, shouldn’t looking the part be a consideration?  (Not to mention the thrill of having someone you love look at you with that animal, physical lust in their eyes.)

Besides, if I looked even close to that again, I’d probably turn into a complete exhibitionist begging to be bound naked in crowed play spaces.  (I have this fantasy about being hooded or blindfolded in a crowed room, then led to a spot and told to strip without knowing how many of those people are still there.) 

lace1-tb MJ has also said that she would really love to show me off at The Club and, knowing her flair for the dramatic, I have a feeling that she would string me up in the middle of the room in a very dramatic (and exposing) manner if my form was more universally appealing.  (Some people really dig "bears", but I know that feeling isn’t universal.) 

One thing MJ has specifically mentioned is tying me down to their awesome lacing table and doing all sorts of wonderfully horrible things to me.  I have a feeling that being at MJ’s mercy while she was trying to draw a crowd would be a very interesting experience.

Health:  Now that I’m a parent, I want to stick around as long as possible especially since we started our family so late.  Getting in shape would be a great way to add years on to my life.  (My dad is really heavy and has tons of health issues that probably wouldn’t have been an issue if he had been in better shape.  I’d rather be working on it now rather than regretting not doing so when it is too late.)

Penis Size:  From what I’ve read, you gain an inch of length for every 30 pounds you lose.  This is especially true for guys who carry their weight low in the belly like I do.  That means a three-inch gain once I get down to my target weight!  (Don’t get me wrong - I’m not hung up on size at all.  I just love CBT and would love to give MJ a larger canvas to work with!)

Flexibility:  Being in shape means being more flexible which means more creative bondage options.  It also opens up all sorts of sex positions (especially ones where MJ can ride on top) and BDSM possibilities (like suspension bondage).  These are tough now because of my body shape, lack of flexibility, and weight.  (They have an awesome suspension winch at The Club that we have been assured could lift a Volkswagen, but neither MJ or I wanted to put it to the test.)

Style:  I love to "suit up".  Nothing makes me feel sexier than putting on nice clothes and strutting through a club or hotel lobby.  When you are as big as I am, really nice clothes come at a premium.  If I could buy off the rack at places like H&M (or, actually, just about every store at the mall), I could become a total clothes horse without spending a fortune.  This also goes for fetish wear - leather and latex are normally pricey, but in my size things like harnesses are nearly always custom order items.


Now all I have to do is make it happen!  I’ve been going to the gym every morning before work.  Right now, I’m easing back into things with power walking on the treadmill.  (I’ve been doing 2 miles a day at a pretty good pace.)  Once my legs are back into a little better shape, I plan on doing cardio 7 days a week and then doing weight training every other day.

As I keep shrinking, I’ll take pictures along the way and share them later this summer.  I know this won’t be an easy process, but with the motivation above and MJ’s encouragement I know I can do it this time. 

Of course, I do have to stop thinking about that lacing table when I’m mid-workout.  Erections are really hard to hide in gym shorts…

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Are You Being Served?

This past Sunday, I spent part of the day teaching MJ how to mow the lawn.

Before she went on maternity leave, MJ worked for a very small company downtown and they decided not to keep her job open while she was gone.  We discussed the situation and MJ expressed her desire to be a stay at home mom, something she has dreamed about for a very long time.  We should be able to swing it financially (I do pretty well at the firm where I work and projects for my small web development company have been steadily picking up) and it makes me incredibly happy to be able to provide something so special for MJ, so it was an easy thing to say "yes" to.

What has thrown me personally for a loop, however, is that MJ wants to become a domestic Goddess and take care of all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and even yard work.  She believes that, since I am working hard to make her dream situation come true, my weekends should be free of "honey do" lists and instead be focused on having fun and spending time with my family.

While most husbands would be high-fiving themselves at such an amazing gesture, this is actually a hard thing to balance for a service sub like me.

With no housework left, what else is there for me to do?

I had a talk with MJ about this over the weekend.  While I know that what MJ wants is what I need to work to provide (thank you, Ms. Rika!), part of me felt like I was being stripped of all my methods of devotion.  Fortunately, MJ anticipated this and had some fantastic ideas to bridge the gap.

MJ did mention a bunch of things I can do to serve her, most of which would be much more intimate and enjoyable than normal housework.  They included giving her foot rubs and full-body massages (including attending some massage classes at our local community college), performing pedicures and manicures, and bathing her.

Our talk made me incredibly happy for many reasons.  First, it showed me once again that MJ really understands my needs as a service sub and is willing to work with me to help me fulfill them.  (I know this isn’t supposed to be about me in any way, but now that I’ve finally embraced my nature as a service sub I long to be able to wait on and provide for MJ.  It would be really tough for me to ignore that once again.)

Her suggestions also really lit a fire in me because of the erotic nature of the tasks themselves.  Bathing my Mistress?  Delicately painting Her toenails and rubbing lotion into Her feet?  Just the thought of these things makes me feel like a manservant waiting on his Queen!

So, I get to hang up mundane housework and spend my weekends playing with my daughter and then worshiping and pampering my Mistress?  How the hell did I get so lucky?  Given where I was just over a year ago, I still can’t believe my amazing fortune. 

Of course, my gratitude just makes me want to work that much harder to please my Miss!

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Good Morning!

Last Thursday, I was startled awake by MJ reaching into my PJ bottoms and grabbing my cock.

Yeah - good morning to you too! 

We’ve really started to reconnect sexually which is a wonderful thing.  I was so afraid that our hiatus while MJ was pregnant then recovering from having the baby was going to set us back a great deal, but things have been great between us.

Especially, it seems, this particular morning!

When I opened my eyes and rolled over, I saw that MJ was already naked and quickly followed suit.  I stripped down and rolled over to her, sliding a hand between Her legs to gently stroke Her clit.  (Given our past discussions, I figured MJ was just looking for a little vanilla intimacy which suited me just fine.)

MJ and I started kissing passionately and She offered up Her breasts for me to nuzzle and suck all the while moaning as She responded to my steady petting.  It wasn’t long before She hit her first orgasm and then told me to climb on top and give Her what She really wanted.

Now - MJ knows full well about an issue I have in the morning.  Until I pee, I can’t cum.  (Actually, even then I sometimes have issues first thing in the morning.)  Thanks to the Morning Wood Syndrome, however, I stay rock hard.

This issue became incredibly apparent as our love making continued.  MJ got more and more aroused, grabbing my hair and rocking in time to my thrusts, but I could tell that any orgasm was a long way off for me.  Once She reached her second orgasm, I stopped to catch my breath and She told me that this could be very useful for Her as a Mistress.  "Just think - I could have you fuck Me, then kneel before Me and stroke your cock, then fuck Me again, then stroke again, never having to worry about you cuming!"

God, how I love that wonderfully devious mind of Hers…

Finally, I had to stop and get ready for work and MJ took mercy and said I was free to release that night when I got home.  It still meant an entire day with my thoughts wrapped up thoughts of MJ’s silky skin, dark eyes, and her power over me.

Which, actually, wasn’t a bad place to be…

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{Insert Austin Powers Reference Here}

First - a brief programming note.  I’ve been itching to get this blog back up to it’s original content standard and readership, so I’m going to make a serious effort to post at least three original blog entries per week in addition to feeds from TMI Tuesday and Sugasm.  For those following along with the math, that means new posts five days a week.

I know that’s a pretty big goal (especially since MJ and I aren’t generating a lot of D/s related news just yet), but I’ve been missing writing here and exploring in words a subject that means such a great deal to me.

So - if you’ve been wondering when I was going to get off my butt and start writing again, your wait is over!


Over the past few weeks, my sex drive suddenly switched back on.  With a vengeance.  MJ is allowing me to engage in solo play, so I’ve been masturbating more and more frequently.  (Last Monday night, I climaxed three times over the course of a couple hours.)

I’m honestly not sure what brought about the change.  Before MJ and I headed down this D/s road, our sex life was almost nonexistent.  We would go months without any contact at all and I generally just closed down my sexuality completely.

This sudden and insatiable randiness caught me completely off guard and I’ve actually been having a hard time getting my hormones back in check.  An incredibly distracting side effect of this is that I can’t stop thinking about sex or BDSM and wind up daydreaming during meetings, at my desk, on the train, and so on.  I’ve been getting so worked up that I have been leaving wet spots in my boxer briefs during my more intense fantasies, something I usually discover when I reach into my fly during routine trips to the men’s room to find my cock dripping with pre-cum.

In addition to my somewhat random fantasies, I’ve also started building elaborate fantasy sessions in my head between MJ and I, some of which I’m planning to post here.  (The first chapter starts tomorrow…)

This isn’t a bad thing at all.  In fact, this state I’m in drove me to open the discussion with MJ about sex and our future with D/s that I mentioned yesterday.  I did tell her about my new-found erotic desires and expressed my wish that we work together to channel it into our own adventures instead of just taking matters into my own hand (to use the old cliche).

With any luck, she will honor me with some intimate time this weekend.  With extreme luck, she will honor me with some Domme time as well, but I’m not pushing that at all. 

Of course, that doesn’t stop me from slyly hoping that my upcoming erotic literature will get her into the mood for that as well…

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