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Starting a FemDom marriage in the Vanilla Kingdom

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The Talk

This past weekend, MJ and I had a long discussion about our future with D/s.

First and most important, we both agreed that we enjoy D/s and that we want to continue our exploration of it.  The shape of how will we bring it back into our lives, however, is unknown at this point.  We are taking this opportunity to reinvent our D/s selves and even took some time to go through the BDSM checklist together to compare notes on hard and soft limits. 

(Much to my surprise and delight, MJ has said that she is no longer adverse to elecro-stim play nor needles!  She is really freaked out by needle suspension, but I’m hoping to some day be able to experience that particular sensation.  We also discussed my eventually getting a permanent mark as a show of devotion, possibly even a brand.)

In addition to going through the fetish catalog, we also discussed our past experiences including my brief bout as Her service sub.  We both agreed me keeping up an active, 24/7 submissive role in the household isn’t going to work for either of us, especially with the baby.  We do still have a femdom household in so many ways - MJ controls the money, the meal menu, the grocery list, and so on so it’s not like I’m suddenly going to become the head of the household.  Plus, we both thought that our sessions (even brief shows of devotion like foot rubs or other light play) would be more intense and fulfilling if we weren’t in that mode all the time.

MJ did say she wanted us to start slow and ease back into the lifestyle, possibly even wading in with some vanilla foreplay and sex to get us back in tune with each other.  (Due to my fears over hurting the baby or affecting the pregnancy, we haven’t had any "relations" since shortly after we found out MJ was pregnant.  Starting slow is probably a good idea for both of us.)

Overall, it was a great talk and we both feel recommitted to our sexual relationship and the D/s lifestyle.

On another note, I have been working slowly to replace the toys I gave away last year in the height of my commitment to another Domme.  I finally have a good set of urethral sounds (which were high on my priority list so I could measure myself for a Prince’s wand) and have a potential trading source so I can get an ErosTek ET-312 electro-stim unit.

Pictures to follow! 

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Long Time, No Update

Hello, all!  (If any of you are even out there!)

It’s been a very long time since my last update, but there really hasn’t been any D/s news to report.

Our daughter is going to be born on the 15th, so things have been really hectic as we try to prepare doing all the new parent classes and ratcheting up the pace of our insane remodeling project to try and finish everything before the baby comes.  (We got close, but should be able to finish shortly thereafter.)  MJ has been really hurting and is feeling every week of the pregnancy at the moment.

Shortly after she got pregnant, MJ and I had a really long talk about our roles and what it will mean with the baby.  Based on that discussion I asked MJ to release me and she did, unlocking my beloved collar and leaving my neck bare.

The biggest news is that we’re realizing that a 24/7 D/s lifestyle probably won’t work for us once we’re parents.  That doesn’t mean we won’t include D/s in our lives and MJ and I are already talking about returning to The Club and picking some lifestyle conventions to attend in the near future.

The other news item is that I have decided to keep this blog going once we’re back in the swing of things.  It was up for renewal in January and I almost let it lapse.  Despite my doubts, MJ convinced me that it would be really helpful as I explore what it means to be a sub, a husband, and a father all at the same time.  I wholeheartedly agree and, as always, hope that our struggles can help others going through the same experiences.

Finally, MJ has made a new lifestyle friend.  This new friend was a coworker at a previous job who innocently asked the meaning of the BDSM emblem she wore.  They were intrigued and asked a few intelligent questions, but let the issue drop.  Several months later (long after MJ had left for another job), she received an e-mail from this person who said that they were seeking more information and wrote a long letter about their recent soul searching, discovery that they were kinky, and wondering where to go from there. 

That conversation alone has made MJ start to realize how wonder D/s made us feel and she is excited to be able to help someone else come to realize that joy and freedom in themselves.  I don’t know if I will write any more about this person’s story, but with their permission you might be hearing more about their emergence into this wonderful world of ours.

That’s all for now, but I do promise that I will continue to keep this site going and there will be much more to follow as we venture back into our D/s roles.

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Update

Hello! Sorry for the silence this past week, but I’ve been wrestling with the post I’ve been writing.

During a workshop at Thunder, Gloria Brame described pro Dommes as "a plague on our community".  Based on that, I’ve been doing some soul searching and reexamining my previous stance   As with all things, however, I’ve gotten myself sucked into a gray area and have been trying to figure out exactly where I stand.  Thus far, I’ve rewritten big pieces of the article three times without it coming out exactly how I want it to.

Since this is such a hot-button issue, I decided to take my time and will only publish it once it accurately states my feelings.  I’d hate to start a flame war when I’m not completely sure of my own views.

In other news, the baby is coming along nicely.  MJ is almost 12 weeks along now and every test shows things are going just about perfectly.  I’m still holding my breath and haven’t told anyone I know the news yet for fear that my heart will be broken again.  This is the best things have gone thus far and the doctor has said we’re pretty much home free (the fertility doc is just about to release my wife back to her OB/GYN as there is nothing else he can do), but there is still that nagging fear that says I shouldn’t get my hopes up just yet.

Our D/s life has been somewhat on hold with all that has been going on.  MJ and I had a talk about small things that would help me through the "dry spell", mainly getting small tasks around the house and a head pat now and again. 
MJ did give me one treat - we went out to Chipotle the other night for dinner and after fetching food, drinks, and silverware my waiting Goddess, She told me to sit down and bow my head, after which she reached across the table, patted my head, and said "good boy".  The praise and such a D/s gesture in a public place were enough to have me glowing for the rest of the night.

Next week, I’ll be out of town at a gaming convention (one of my annual traditions that MJ thankfully is letting me keep) and after that I hope MJ and I can get back into the club scene or at least have some playtime at home. 

I have been missing the unique sensation that only comes from submitting to Her wonderful tortures…

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Thunder: Service With A Smile

One of the seminars I attended at Thunder was author Laura Antoniou’s "Service with a Smile" which focused on being a good service sub.

Wanting to serve is a lot different (and much more of a commitment) than just being a sub.  It’s about completely giving yourself over to the wants and needs of your Top without necessarily getting anything in return.  It’s your job to relieve their burden whatever that might be:  cooking, cleaning, and all of the other less-than-glamorous stuff you can imagine.

All of my past BDSM experiences are what you would probably call "erotic servitude" with part-time Dommes.  I did some service things (for my last Domme, for instance, I did a bunch of writing and web programming), but nothing that prepared me for serving 24/7.  I like to think I was something more than the "’do me’ Internet sluts" that Gloria Brame talks about, but my past "service" was really more about my wants and my feelings rather than serving at the whim of my Dommes.

Now, I’m serving MJ in a capacity that is 98% mundane work and 2% erotic BDSM play.  Part of that shift is because of her new "delicate" condition, but it’s also because you can’t be a bound, naked slave boy all the time (as much as I’d love to try!)  Our normal married life or work is what fills the minutes of most days and my "service" is typically "bring me a Diet Coke and then cook dinner".

If you’ve been reading the blog, you know I’ve been struggling with this kind of service and have been trying to come to grips with what being a servant actually means and finding my own place within that.  I had hoped that Laura’s seminar at Thunder would help and I wasn’t disappointed.

I’m going to share some quotes from the seminar (included below in bold italics) and then provide my comments on them.



First and foremost, care about what you are doing.

This is sounds like a "duh" statement, but it’s really true.  If you don’t care about being in service, then why do it?  If you’re going to do it, then you need to completely give yourself over to the process.  Being in service means fulfilling the wishes of another and acting at their pleasure.  "You need 46 CDs burned in the next three hours?  No problem, Ma’am…"

This leads directly to the next quote:

Know what offering service does for you.  Be clear as to why you desire a service lifestyle.

Great - you’ve figured out that you want to serve, but why?  Does it make your life more meaningful?  Does it give you a sense of purpose because you’ve become an asset to someone else?  Do you just like pleasing your Top?  All of these are completely legitimate reasons for serving.

Laura told the audience to make a list of the reasons for ourselves as to why we wanted to serve.  For her, it was a feeling of being indispensable, something that came from a fantasy of being Alfred from Batman.  Whenever Master Dick needed anything, there was Alfred with it on a silver tray with a witty quip to boot.  She went on to say that many people do charity work to get a good feeling for helping others.  Service is just that but for the good of someone who you personally care greatly about.

For me, I think it’s about needing to be needed.  I like being able to make other people happy.  I get great satisfaction from being able to do for someone else and knowing that I made them happy or were able to lift their burden.  Once upon a time, a marriage counselor told me that this was being "codependent" and that you shouldn’t get your happiness from the happiness of others and what you can do for them.  I now know that is bullshit.  I’m a sub - this is part of who I am.  This is the ultimate love offering - I’m showing my love, devotion, and respect by making your life easier.

The first step is to have the right fucking attitude!

Yes, that’s exactly how she phrased it!  If you’re not happy about being in service or aren’t in that frame of mind, you will be completely miserable. 

One thing she suggested to help is to wake up and think to yourself, "I’m in service today and I’m going to do well".  She also said having a morning ritual with your Top to get you in the submissive and service mindset was good as well.  (One suggestion was kneeling to say "good morning".  A Domme MJ and I know has Her sub fetch a fresh cup of coffee every morning.)  I need to talk to MJ about this one.  I’m all about ritual and protocol and would love to have a little something every morning to get me into the proper headspace.  When I used to putter around the kitchen preparing Her breakfast every morning, I’d be smiling all the way to work filled with that warm, fuzzy feeling of servitude.

The point of service is not to drain yourself.  Martyrs are not sexy.

I tend to do this and it leads me to situations like my freak out during our pre-Thunder packing.  If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be in any shape when your Top needs you.  This goes for both your physical and mental condition. 

Laura emphasized the need to be open and honest about anything you’re struggling with that would impact your service.  Her personal example was a toothache that she suffered with for over a year.  Finally, her Top and partner had to order her to a dentist where she had 7 root canals.  The pain made her grumpy which affected her ability to happily serve which was bad for both her and her Top.

I need to get better at this and need to stop taking the "woe is me" approach to service.  While I need to place complete trust in MJ to look after my needs, it’s stupid to just assume that she knows what’s going on inside my head or body.  Laura made that point that doing this is usually a good feeling for the Top because they know they are taking care of their sub.

Take responsibility for things and ask questions.  (Not all Tops are detailed oriented.)

If your Top said, "I want a picnic lunch prepared for Sunday," what would you do?  Laura said her first question would be "Which Sunday?" followed by "How many people?  Any special dietary restrictions?" and so on. 

Just because you’re a service sub doesn’t mean you’re a mindless robot.  Laura used this as the prime example:  "I don’t know why my Top is so mad.  She asked me to clean out the garage so I did….and donated everything to Goodwill…" 

It is the sub’s responsibility to understand the things they are being asked to do and respond with questions if they don’t understand something.  That doesn’t mean that you should say "I can’t".  It’s always "I can, but…"

I need to get better at this as well.  MJ has told me that she doesn’t want me second-guessing her requests/commands, but that is a far cry from asking for clarification or pointing out that I require more time than I was originally given.  This is about making Her happy and doing things counter to the vision She has in Her head is not going to do that.

Also take responsibility for your mistakes.  Correcting you is nurturing you.

This is something I really struggle with.  Whenever MJ is unhappy or upset with something I’ve done, I immediately start to beat myself up.  I get this overwhelming feeling of dread that I’ve made her unhappy and literally freak out trying to "fix" the issue.  (In reality, I’m actually making things worse to the point where MJ hates bringing things up because She’s afraid I’ll overreact.)

This is going to sound like a cop out, but I think my severe reaction is due to the physical abuse that I suffered under my mother.  The emotions that come up when I feel that MJ is furious with me are filled with completely irrational fear.  It’s still something I fight with, but something I always still seem to succumb to.  I hate that I’m like this and have been trying to find ways to make this behavior stop.

The insight that "correcting you is nurturing you" is helping somewhat.  I also need to keep reminding myself where I am in life right now.  If MJ is really going to leave me, it’s not going to be because I folded the laundry incorrectly.

Laura said that the first response to criticism about your service needs to be "Thank you, Ma’am".  This is good advice for me and something I hope will immediately remind me of my place and that making a mistake isn’t the end of the world as long as I learn from it and take MJ’s guidance to fix things to her satisfaction.  She also said that, "Respect is part of who you are," something that need to take to heart and really remember in these situations.

Understand your Top’s needs.  Listen for what they need and want, not what you think they need and want.

I am absolutely horrible with this one.  I’m always trying to figure out what would make MJ happy and do it rather than just sit patiently and wait for her to tell me what She needs.  We actually discussed this recently with MJ going so far as to say to not worry about things unless She specifically tells me they are my responsibility.

As part of this point, Laura talked about the need to let Tops vent.  She said that when people get angry, they get angry and stupid and say things they don’t mean.  When a Top is venting or upset, it is not the sub’s problem to fix.  You just have to be there for your Top as a means of support and can’t take anything they say personally. 

That spoke greatly to me as I do tend to take things so personally when MJ gets upset.  That whole "evil mom" thing kicks in and I freak out which only serves to make Her more upset.  I just need to put my arm around her and let her unload until she feels better while letting it all go.  That won’t be an easy adjustment, but it was nice to hear that I’m not the only one who has trouble with this.



As you can probably tell, this seminar spoke directly to me and I brought a great deal away from it.  To me, this session alone made Thunder worth the price of admission and makes me feel that I can become the sub that MJ desires and can find a space where we are both completely happy with our new relationship.

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Women In Charge

From the "Well, duh!" files comes this report from Iowa State University that finds women typically have more decision making power in the household than men.

A quote from the article:

Trained volunteers coded the videotapes using a scale that rated couples’ interactions based on words and behaviors associated with blame (blames, accuses and criticizes the partner); demand (nags, pressures for change, requests); withdrawal and avoidance (avoids discussion the problem by hesitating, changing topics, diverting attention or looking away); and discussion.

Wives were more demanding—asking for changes in the relationship or in their partner—and were more likely to get their way than the husbands. This held regardless of who had chosen the issue.

This was certainly the case with MJ and I long before we entered into our current relationship.  She always controlled the money and set the agenda of the house.  That I would rebel and resist that control was only because I was denying my true nature.

Things are getting better now, mainly because MJ now gets to call the shots on everything without an argument.  (Well, mostly.  As I mentioned in my last post, I’m still a work in progress.)

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Bombshell (The Big News)

Rather than burying the lead with a drawn out story, I’ll just cut to the chase:  MJ is pregnant.

Yeah - holy shit was my thought, too.

We’ve been trying to have kids on and off for the past 9 years and have seen three different fertility experts.  She’s been able to get pregnant in the past, but only after several rounds of potent hormone injections.  Sadly, each of those times ended in a great deal of heartache and disappointment for both of us.

A couple of weeks ago, we decided to keep an appointment with a new fertility doctor in our area since our relationship is back on the right track again.  We met with the doctor briefly to go over our history and talk about treatment options and then they drew some blood to get a baseline for MJ’s first round of drugs.

MJ called me at work the next day to tell me that they had also run a pregnancy screening as a matter of course and it was positive.

I almost dropped the phone.  As I said, the universe definitely has a wonderful sense of humor.

The doctor got a good laugh out of the situation saying we are his greatest success yet.  (All we needed was the initial consultation!)  MJ and I chalk it up to our falling back in love, the greatly reduced stress around the house, and (of course) the incredible amounts of sex we’ve been having lately.

This is by no means a done deal yet, but we’ve successfully passed the first three milestones of a viable pregnancy and things are still looking good.  (Today, they were actually able to see a heartbeat.)  I jokingly told MJ that I’d stop worrying once the kid graduated high school.

I’m blogging about this here because this is going to become a true test of our new roles.  During the next months, our D/s relationship will go from the sexy fun we’ve been having to nausea, sore breasts, and exhaustion.  I need to be able to be a true sub - serving just for the joy of serving and not expecting anything in return.  MJ is my Goddess and my charge, my sole purpose to fulfill her needs no matter what form they take.

I’m working on a longer post on this topic, but there is a huge difference between serving a part-time Domme and having a 24/7 D/s relationship.  My past experiences have all been really intense and completely focused on erotic servitude.  None of that prepared me for what it means to be someone’s full-time boy and I still find myself struggling and needing to let go of my wants and expectations and instead fully focus myself on devotion to MJ. 

This relationship is about Her and Her alone.  I need to trust that she will grant me what I want and need if I succeed in pleasing her.  Even after 16 years of marriage, I’m having to do a lot of soul searching to be able to place my entire existence in MJ’s hands.  I am frequently slipping, breaking some of what I consider to be the minor rules here and there (especially the one about not being able to spend money without permission) only realizing after the fact that each and every one of those times is a challenge to the authority that I’ve sworn to obey and blatant disrespect to the woman I’m supposed to worship.

Now, these things make me feel incredibly selfish and I am ashamed every time I even start to think about something I want or feel that I need.  I know I’ll get all this sorted out, but the adjustment has been a hard one for me to make.

Of course, I also have to wrap my head around the very real possibility that I’ll finally get to be a Dad.  I can’t begin to describe the feelings I’m going through right now which, at the very least, are an overwhelming sense that my life is finally starting to come together and that I’m finally finding some purpose.

That’s one of the things that’s making this journey so joyful and scary at the same time: you never know where it’s going to take you.

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You Take The Good, You Take The Bad

This week, MJ and I had a showdown about some issues that have been brewing for some time now.  It’s mostly a case of growing pains as we both try to find our places in these new roles.

It seems that MJ has been really upset in the past few weeks about our situation and my attitude about certain things.  She’s also been at a loss about what to do about it and afraid to approach me with Her feelings, mainly because She was sure that I would overreact and take it all too personally.

That isn’t an unfair statement - I do tend to immediately start getting angry with myself for upsetting Her which in turn actually upsets Her which then upsets me even more.  It’s a horrible cycle and something I’ve been trying to overcome for some time now.  It’s generally based on the feeling that I’m failing MJ and is something that is probably rooted even deeper in my psyche.  (My last shrink told me that it may be emotional remnants from my mother’s abuse that cause me to flip out like this.)  MJ seems to exacerbate it at times by avoiding direct conflict by going for a passive/aggressive approach instead that causes me to feel even worse.

I, on the other hand, have been upset the past few weeks because I feel like I either have no direction or have contradictory goals.  MJ has been busy researching what it takes to be a Domme and hasn’t spent much time giving me things to do, so it seems that I’m in idle mode trying to come with things on my own that I think She would want.  I always seem to pick things that She actually doesn’t want which upsets MJ because not only am I second-guessing my Domme but I’m doing things counter to what She wants.

The conflicting goals came about in one very tangible way last week.  One day, we were driving to an appointment and I suggested a better route to get there.  MJ chastised me for second-guessing Her and not trusting that She knew what she was doing.  Then, a few days later, MJ was driving me to work and started taking a non-typical route.  I figured She was going to get gas or something else when She realized with a shock that She was just on autopilot and taking the wrong route.  MJ then asked me why I hadn’t said anything.  (My response was something along the lines of "But…but…but…you said…")

Needless to say, these little things started adding up and, with MJ’s reluctance to talk to me about them, She turned to Mrs. Claudia for advice as well as Her copy of The Mistress Manual.  This led to a showdown on Wednesday where MJ finally told me how upset She was and how unhappy She’s been with things lately.  Granted, She said that overall she’s really happy about the positive changes in our relationship, but She didn’t think I was being a very devoted or obedient sub. 

I was devastated and angry when she said this, but due to MJ’s initial discussion of my overreacting to negative comments about myself, I was able to keep my composure.  This led to a really great discussion where we sorted out just about all of the things that were troubling Her.



Punishment:  One thing MJ has struggled with is how to punish a sub who enjoys punishment.  She feels (and rightly so) that many of the things that She’s been unhappy with could have been resolved with a painful reminder of who is actually serving whom. 

We agreed that there can be such a thing as "bad punishment", so MJ is going to pick up a new impact implement which will only be used to correct my behavior.  From my one punishment paddling in the past, I know MJ has the ability to make pain hurt.  This satisfies MJ’s need for a deterrent while helping me stay focused only on MJ’s explicit desires.

Chores:  Back when we started our new roles, I picked up the task of doing the housework as a devotion to MJ.  Originally, I did so because MJ said it pleased her to have someone else take care of the house and keep it clean all the time.  She doesn’t remember saying this (meaning I probably took a passing comment as gospel) and was upset that I had started down this road without her express wishes, an act of "topping from the bottom" at its most extreme.

This caused Her to get frustrated at the work I was doing, something that caused me to start to dread it because it was making Her unhappy and I didn’t know why.  MJ would also try to "help" and do some work around the house which I took as a sign that She wasn’t happy with the work I was doing or that I was neglecting a responsibility. 

In addition, when I was given lists of things to do, I was frequently given more than could be accomplished in a single day or even weekend which left me to prioritize the items.  I always seemed to guess wrong which left things important to MJ untouched leaving her angry even though I finished most of the list (which then left me feeling unappreciated).

All in all, it was a pretty bad scene.

We’ve now reached an agreement that I will be given a very specific list of tasks once per week.  The tasks will each have a deadline and I will be allowed to ask for clarification on the items.  I will also be allowed to speak up if I feel I can’t meet the deadlines for any reason.  Once the list has been set, I risk a punishment if items aren’t completed on time.

The nice thing is that anything not on the list isn’t my responsibility.  MJ reserved the right to add quick things here and there ("Boy, carry this upstairs for me"), but when she starts to do something around the house, I don’t have to feel like She’s doing my work which takes a lot of stress out of the equation for me.  She said the choice was to have me work an 8 hour day at my job, deal with the 4 hour round-trip commute, and then face all of the housework, so to share the burden and then enjoy the free time to play.

That’s why She’s the Domme and I’m just the boy.

Porn / Assignments:  Another thing MJ was concerned about was the assignments she’s been giving me.  I had originally suggested them in response to MJ’s expressed desire to have me do some sort of devotion but something that didn’t require a lot of time since She was busy reading all of her Domme books.

I wrote up a basic "this is what tease and denial assignments are" e-mail at her request and let the issue drop.  MJ started giving me assignments, but felt that it was something I was pushing on her by my mere suggestion, even though it came with Her prompting.  She also sees a very close connection between assignments and my previous Domme, something that makes Her even more uncomfortable.

She’s also upset that I’ve been looking at porn.  We had discussed this awhile back and I had thought She lifted the porn ban, but it seems I was mistaken.  MJ didn’t make any effort to correct my mistake even though she was angry that I was downloading stuff from the net. 

So, for now, the porn ban is back in place and the "no touching" rule remains as well.  I’ve also been told not to expect any assignments any time soon.

Massage:  A couple of weeks ago, MJ asked me how I felt about giving massages.  I told Her that I didn’t think I was very good at it and would really like to take a class so I can serve Her better in that way.  MJ took that to mean that I refused to give massages until I had some sort of class.

I was floored by that statement and told Her that I would be happy to give her any massages She desired and that I never would have turned Her down.  MJ agreed that she should have ordered me to give her a massage instead of dropping a hint which I missed and then getting upset that I didn’t pick up on the true intent of Her statement.

I’m guessing that massage oil will be on the packing list for our upcoming trip!

Devotions:  MJ did say she understands my desire to have some sort of daily ritual.  While she feels the assignments she had given me are all about me and not about Her, she said she is coming up with some ideas.  For starters, I am to prepare Her bed every night, arranging Her pillow and sheet in a personal turn-down service.



Overall, we talked for about 6 hours and I feel the outcome was good for both of us.  We both have so much to learn and are still trying to figure out how to fit D/s into our day to day routine.

Hopefully, getting these issues out in the open and dealing with them directly will help our communication and prevent these things from building up in secret until they reach such a critical point.  D/s has brought so much joy into our lives during the past two months and we need to do everything we can to make this work for both of us.

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Clubs and a Trip!

MJ and I have been doing a lot of thinking and we’ve decided to sign up for a trial membership at Galleria Domain.  Of the clubs we’ve seen in Chicago, that one had the best atmosphere and was owned and operated by a Domme, so it seems to be the best one for our tastes and needs educationally.  This coming Saturday, they are having a teaching session all about floggers and we are going to be in attendance.  Something tells me I’m going to have some cool marks come Sunday morning.

Also, MJ came to me this past weekend and said She wants to go to a BDSM convention.  We had been planning to get away for a week or more this year, but hadn’t yet decided where to go.  I was thrilled at the revelation and immediately jumped on the web with MJ at my shoulder to go through the list of possible destinations She had prepared. 

The one that sounds perfect for us is the Southeast Leather Fest in Atlanta.  Almost all of the sessions discuss long-term 24/7 D/s relationships and/or the service lifestyle.  Unfortunately, it is this coming weekend and we didn’t think we could pull together the money or vacation requests in such a short amount of time.

Then, we discovered the next best thing:  Denver’s Thunder in the Mountains.  It’s in mid-July which means my annual bonus will kick in just before we go meaning we’ll be able to enjoy ourselves and not have to try and attend on the cheap.  The seminars are also interesting with a lot of practical demonstrations.

The best part is the list of presenters.  Two of the people on the list are none other than Dr. Gloria Brame (author of "Different Loving", the book that helped set MJ and I down this path) and the legendary Larry Townsend (author of "Leatherman’s Handbook" which practically started the current BDSM community state).  I’ve actually been fortunate enough to have traded e-mails with Dr. Brame and would really love a chance to meet her in person, even if just to make a charity donation in exchange for an autograph.  (She will be signing body parts to raise money for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a service which includes a "pain or no pain" option.  Sounds intriguing!)

Plus, since we’re registering early enough, we were able to get a room in the hotel that is hosting the convention.  (It turns out that Thunder is taking over the entire 450 room hotel for the weekend, so we be wholly surrounded by kinky folk during the event.)  I do a lot of game and tech conventions and staying in another hotel is a huge pain, more so because we’ll be wanting to dress for the event (something that would make travel from another hotel interesting to say the least) and also have our toy bags in tow.

I am so excited about this event!  They have a massive dungeon space as part of the event and MJ and I have been discussing playing in public, especially since she will have lots of new techniques to practice!  It’s also our first venture out into the national community and we’re both hoping to make some new friends and learn more about ourselves and our relationship.

I can’t post pictures of the event (cameras are strictly forbidden), but I will be sure to post running updates while we are there.   Only 44 days and counting!

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Dinner Service

Last night, we got home at our usual time and I set about making dinner.  (In the last few weeks, I’ve been taking over the role of a house boy, doing all the cleaning and cooking.)  It wasn’t anything too fancy - I baked some chicken breasts and tossed them together with a little alfredo sauce, broccoli, and whole wheat pasta.

I brought a plate to MJ who was already in her chair queuing up the movie we had rented the night before ("Music and Lyrics").  As I started to set the plate on her side table, She looked up at me and sternly said "Stop".  I halted in my tracks, wondering what was going on.

MJ motioned for me to stand in front of her, then said "Kneel".

Flushed with the full force of the submissiveness of the gesture, I knelt before Her, head bowed, and offered the plate up with both hands.  She took it from me, tasted the food, then motioned for me to come closer, pulling my head to her chest and stroking my hair.

"Good boy," She said, her lips pressed against my ear.

When she let me stand to go fetch my own plate, I was walking on clouds.  That simple gesture just lit me up and gave me the satisfaction of doing well and pleasing my Miss, something that completely feeds my submissive nature.

Back when we were both living in California, MJ and I saw a marriage counselor who recommended the book "Codependent No More" since, obviously, anyone who gets pleasure from doing things for other people is completely broken.  You should always do for yourself, right?  Anything else is unhealthy.

It’s taken me about 14 years to realize that service is what I crave more than anything. 

When we had Arthur and Fenny over a couple of weeks ago, Art kept telling me I didn’t have to keep fetching them drinks and snacks while we were talking.  All I had to say was "This is what I do" and he completely understood. 

I am a submissive.  I live to serve.

I’ve always been like this to some degree.  I was heavily involved in peer support groups and charity organizations as early as junior high and always enjoyed knowing I was either taking the burden off of others or that my work made them happy.

After I embraced my submissive side earlier this year, I’ve been looking back at my life with that context and there were so many signs I should have seen, my love of service being just one of many.  Why my true nature was so hidden from me I’ll never know, but finally looking into myself and discovering it has brought me a world of happiness and peace.

Once MJ was done with Her dinner, She snapped Her fingers, called me by saying "boy", then told me to bring Her some dessert.

sigh

Contentment at last…

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Mass Update (again)

A lot has happened since my updates started to wane, so I’m going to give some brief highlights and then pick up today with stories of our wild holiday weekend.

Two weeks ago, MJ and I visited our first slosh, a gathering near O’Hare airport.  We had originally heard about it via their website, but decided to make the trip when we discovered that many of the West Suburban Munch folks also hung out there.

When we arrived, we were greeted by Joyful, the organizer of the West Suburban Munch who recognized us from the dinner and remembered our names.  She planted us next to another couple (whom I will call Arthur and Fenny) who are also new to the lifestyle, but in opposite roles (Arthur is the Top).  They were a lot of fun and we spent the entire night huddled in our small group talking about anything and everything.

Arthur mentioned that he was putting together a small get together for the following night, but wondered if we could host as most of the people that were going to attend were from our area.  We agreed and invited them over.

Saturday night, the "party" ended up just being me, MJ, Arthur, and Fenny discussing The Scene and playing board games.  (The others we were expecting went to a vigil for a friend, the "missing Mom" in Plainfield.)  We still had a great time despite the poor turnout and are planning to meet up again sometime in the near future.

The next week, MJ and I went the slosh again, but none of the folks whom we started to bond showed up and the group seemed especially cliquey, so we had dinner and bowed out to go see the new Pirates movie.

Saturday, we attended the LRA club open house.  Even though we loved Galleria Domain, we decided to check out LRA partly to compare but also because many of the folks we know from the slosh hang out there.  Unlike the GD tour (which was just that - look at the equipment, but leave before the members arrive), this was actually a chance to the club during a typical play night.

LRA is basically a large, single-room warehouse space filled with equipment and a couple of small seating areas.  There really wasn’t that much atmosphere compared to the vibe we got at GD.  We were impressed by the wide range of participants, both in style and skill level.  (MJ was worried about playing in a public club, thinking she would be the rank amateur amongst a bunch of skilled Tops.  Seeing folks of all skill levels eased her fears greatly.)

The equipment was well maintained and they had a good variety of different pieces, but everything was a little close together.  (In the couple of hours we were there, we noticed folks rearranging things so they could get to the equipment they wanted.)

We hung out for almost three hours before calling it a night.  On the way home, MJ and I discussed our options on the way home and we’ve decided to get a trial membership to Galleria Domain, preferably to coincide with their planned members-only flogging workshop.  Although we have relationships with the LRA folks, we both really liked the atmosphere and more "upscale" feeling of GD as well as their monthly educational programs.

MJ is also planning to approach the GD folks about using their space to do erotic photography, a new side venture of hers to get back behind the lens and to bump up our toy budget!  The brick / wood floor / tapestry look of the place would be a beautiful backdrop for custom D/s photo sessions.  We haven’t found anyone doing "D/s portraiture" in the local scene and MJ’s style is perfect for that type of work.  I’ll post some samples once she finds her first models.

This brings us up to the Memorial Day weekend and our trip to IML, but that deserves its own post.

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